When I was a kid I used to run home from primary school each lunch hour to watch The Flinstones while my Mom let me eat my lunch infront of the tv. It was the one and only time I was allowed to eat infront of the tv. In this cartoon their is a family named the Gruesomes. Thiw family has a dark rain cloud that follows them whereever they go. It causes dark times and bad luck for this family.
I feel like I am a Gruesome and I have a dark cloud that sits above my head and causes me bad luck.
I have not been outside since September. I can't get a walker through all the snow not to mention it's just been too cold for my FM. But because of this, I have not beeen inside a store in 5 months. It's NOT IDEAL. So I have to rely on Amazon for delivery of stuff I need that isn't groceries. I order a lot. Living in this social housing building has caused me problems with deliveries though. I was getting packages stolen a lot. So i bought a doorbell camera to stop this. And it worked with theft. But it doens't help bad delivery drivers. Twice in the past two weeks I have tracked my delivery only to see it as "delivered". I open my door - no package. I look to see instrucitons on what the driver did as they usually write "left with home owner" or they take a pic of it infront of your door but none of this happened. It just wasn't there. It says it was delivered at 4:58 am. I was actually awake at that time so I know they didn't try and buzz up. So I called Amazon. It took 7 phone calls and over an hour to get a refund. They say the driver "handed it to the client" bullshit. I don't know who he handed it to but it wasn't me. And at 5 o'clock in the morning I'm sure NOONE was in my lobby to hand it too. So I think the delivery guy is full of shit. Makes me wonder if he even stopped at my building.
I rely on delivery for EVERYTHING. On December 24th I went through this exact same thing with another package. It has happened numerous times. So now I am afraid to order anything else. i don't want to have to spend 7 phone calls and hour of my time looking for lost packages.
I want to go to the store myself,... I don't want to have to rely on Amazon and lousy delivery drivers who out and out lie becasue they are too lazy to read instructions that I left stating pkg will get stolen if not handed to me in unit 311. I don't know how much clearer than that I can be. yet time and time again they just throw them in the lobby and run.
I just want a normal life. I want to be able to go where I want. To shop in a store in person,... but i cna't get to one. i am trapped inside my unit atleast until spring when the weather gets warmer. My FM can't handle the cold in the winter so I don't go out anymore.
Why is everything a hassle? Why do I have this Gruesome dark cloud hanging over my head? I just want to be normal,... and live a normal life,...
But instead I am mentally ill and invisable and unwanted so I am stuck in this hell hole apartment being forced to use Amazon and then having to do the red tape when the order doens't show up. It happens about once a month. Too many times for me to want to order from them again.
So what do I do? I don't have a doctor,... I don't have a car,... and now I don't have means to supplies unless I risk Amazon.
I feel like this world hates me. I know I am a mentally ill monster but honeslty I feel like life works against me and is purposely making it hard for me. I am tired. i'm tired of struggling. I just want easy,... but theres no easy in my life.
And THIS is why I am so suicidal. Nothing is positive,... nothing is easy,... infact life is pretty fucking hard.
Why???????? Why am I so fucking invisable?
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