I just need to die

I am so disillusioned with the world. I am not in a good place right now. My life is empty. All I have to do with my time each day is watch tv. But this is proving to be a negative triggering thing to do. Every morning I wake up, I drink my coffee while I turn on YouTube. I don't have cable anymore so I only stream. I don't want to dive into shows or movies first thing so I usually turn on Youtube to see what is going on in our world. If anything big happened,... It will show up on Youtube. 

Just this morning I saw there were tragedies all over the world. Not natural disasters. But man. Evil manmade acts that were done to intentionally kill innocent people.

10 killed and 30 more injured ~ after vehicle rams crowd 

Car plows into crowd in London New Years Eve ~ hitting 2 pedestrians

Woman set on fire on New York Subway system ~ illegal immigrant charged

5 killed by fireworks and 400 arrested in Germany 

And these were only the headlines

I don't know if there is MORE evil world events now or if it's because I am so bored that all I do is watch the news from around the world so I am just more aware of it now? Or maybe the world has always been this evil but I was in a better place and didn't see the depravity. I think a bit of both. 

My life has NO JOY right now. There is no balance of good and bad. Right now everything is bad. And when there is no fun or laughter or joy in your day ~ then you become empty. And when your day is filled with ONLY negative things,... you become miserable.

Now add on to that watching the world and all the evil in it just makes me disillusioned with life altogether. Why is there so much evil and depravity in the world now?

I think it's becasue people have had enough and are angry now. I know I have. I have gone from a bubbly person who loved to laugh and have a good time to someone who is so bored and empty and in pain and poor that I just want to die. I am not a violent or revengeful person. If I was,... I WOULD be acting out right now. becasue I am FED UP with being on the bottom and not getting what I need. But instead I am a self-harmer so the violence and anger gets turned inward on myself. Self hatred,... 

Becasue when you systematically lose everything you had in your life over a period of just 5 years,... you become different. I have gone through a range of emotions over the past but in the end i just became bitter. 

I have gone from a bubbly person who loved to laugh to a sad and resentful empty soul.

And it's a horrible feeling to be thrown away and left behind. It is embarrassing and ever so humbling to learn you are not the likable person you thought you were. And with this newfound knowledge that noone likes me and they just are being polite,... I have decided to retreat from life altogether. To hide away where I can't bother anyone. If I am not liked,... then I will disappear. I have enough pride to NOT be a tag-along that noone really wants there. Instead I am smart enough to see they are right. And I am humbled enough and embarrassed enough to disappear.

I know when I am not wanted and it fucking HURTS!!!

But I will do the world a favour. With my two daughters at the top of the list. I will disappear and leave you alone so you can have a better life.

I have always "felt" i was on the outside but I now I know for certain. 

It's extremely hurtful knowing you are not liked. EXTREMELY hurtful.

The more I try and sort my life out,... the more I just see hopelessness. No future,... no hope,...

Just homelessness and poverty and pain and not even liked by anyone. A mentally ill monster that just needs to die.

I honestly just wish I had never even been born.

Unwanted,... unloved,.... invisable,... 

time to do everyone a favour and just disappear,...

My whole life is wishing I was dead and every hour is consumed with thinking of ways to do that,...

I have never been more depressed,... disillusioned and heartbroken in my whole entire life.

Learning you were never valued,... never wanted and noone wants you now is the most humiliating feeling I have ever felt. It has broken me and I won't recover.

I just need to disappear and die and finally find peace.

I have had the rope hanging for 3 days now,.... I jsut need the courage to do it,...

I just need to do it!!!!!!!