Just another reason to kill myself

More bad news on top of bad news on top of I just need to end my life. The registered letter that I could not retrieve from the post office was just hand delivered by a postal worker to my front door. I knew whatever it was, it was going to upset me. And it did. It was from my lawyer. With a new name,... (have I been fobbed off to someone new now?) To a 'normal' person this letter would not be a big deal. But to me,... I can't do what they need. I need letters from witnesses stating how my life has changed since the accident.

But the raw and ugly truth is I have no friends or family and I don't work so I have no co-workers either. The truth is, I am a recluse that hides away in my unit 24/7. I don't speak to anyone. I am isolated from society.

So I am such a loser I literally do not have one person who can do this for me.

I left him a message saying so.

I have no doctor for medical records and now no family or friends for witness statements.

I AM HATED NOONE will do this for me.

So this case is done. They have nothing to fight with so I lose,...

Just another reason to kill myself

 

 

Doug Ford just signed my death certificate

I was not just blowing off steam when I said that if Doug Ford won this election I was done.

Doug Ford won the election. So I am done.

I refuse to live in his poverty just because HE thinks I'm not worth it.

NOONE CAN STOP ME NOW 

Doug Ford ~ you just signed my death certificate.

I have already put the plans in motion,...

You want to treat me like a fucking useless piece of shit Doug Ford????? Then you can explain how I killed myself and WHY?

Why do I feel forced out of this life?

Oh my goodness today is not going well. I have a ride coming at 3 to pick me up to take me to vote. So hopefully that is the one thing I won't have to worry about.

Mail. Mail is always the downfall of my mood. I never get good mail anymore. Just government crap and housing crap and advertising. And I know from experience that brown envelopes are the ones to be wary of. Almost all brown envelopes are government. So when I opened my mailbox and saw a bunch of mail - one being brown - my heart sank. 

What have I done wrong now?

But in the end it was ODSP (Ontario Disability). Reminding me to send them any changes in my situation. WTF? You stopped paying me ODSP! So what do you care if anything has changed. I don't need to follow your strict starvation rules anymore - you stopped paying me! So that mail I just threw out - angry. Nice of them to remind me I don't get ODSP anymore,.... rub it in.

Then a notice from Canada Post. It must be a registered letter as I we have mailboxes for parcels here in our lobby. So if they didn't leave it - I must have to sign for it. But I haven't ordered anything. I'm not expecting anything. And anyone and everyone who knows me knows - there is absolutely no way for me to get to the post office to collect this mail. So of course I try calling the post office,... can't get through. over and over and over again,.... can't get through. End up giving up.

I guess It will just sit there and eventually get sent back to sender. But I wont ever get the chance to get it. i will never know what it was or who sent it.

POOR PEOPLE can't get to places with no car!!!!!!! If we can't walk there - we can't go. So it will be May before I'm able to walk to that damn post office. Another "I fucking hate my life" moment

Then health connect sent a letter saying I am still on the waiting list for a new doctor. I called them back to ask if theres even HOPE in sight for one,... but I had to leave a message. Noone answered. What the hell is wrong with customer service lately. Does noone pick up business phones anymore??? So I am waiting for a call back from them too.

But the last piece of mail made me laugh. you are pre-approved for a visa credit card,.... of course I am. I can't get a doctor,... I can't get enough money to survive a  month,... I can't get transportation anywhere,... but they will give me a credit card,... this worlds priorities need fixing.

So here I sit,.... desperate to get out of this building but knowing it will never happen. 

My life is miserable.

WHY is there no place - affordable to me - on this planet?????? And why do I feel like I have to commit suicide so I don't have to face being homeless? It's not fucking fair!!!

My reality

This is my situation and I desperately need to escape:

I need to move ~ desperately. 

But I only bring in $1380 a month. 

I can only afford $500 a month for rent. (I know - ridiculous)

But this is my reality

Can anyone take pity on me and offer me accomodation ~ anywhere in CANADA ~ for only $500 a month. Maybe you have a large home with a corner in your basement with basic needs in it? (bathroom and small kitchen)

I ask you,....

HOW am I suppose to live with only $500 available for rent? 

No wonder I am choosing death,.... my options in life are live here in Ontario Housing with the threat of eviciton over you every damn day and is destroying my mental health,....

or

someone takes pity on me and offers me a place for only $500 a month.

or

Homeless

This is the reality of my life 

Please help me

Election day in Ontario

The past two days have been so nice. I was hoping today would be the same. I wanted to get outside and walk to the polling station. But I have woken up to yet another winter wonderland and it has just started. There is another arctic freeze coming in for the weekend with temps of minus twenty five. Forecasted snow of another 30 centimetres. There will be getting NO walkers through that snow today. And today is election day. I NEED to get out and vote. 

Luckily I got in touch with the party that I want to vote for and told him my situation. He is going to arrange transportation for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this. I have always said that if you dont' vote ~ then you can't complain when things don't go your way. You have to make the effort to get out there and vote. Even if it's in the middle of an Ontario snowstorm. 

And by late tonight Ontario will know who will be running our province. This is the most important election I have ever voted in. The outcome is literally life or death for me. If Doug Ford gets re-elected,... I have made the decision to end my life. I refuse to live another year in this mans legislated poverty.

So this election is literally life or death for me,...

Cross your fingers that he is ousted because if he's not,.... many disabled are going to continue to live a life of no meaning and being invisable to this community. Never having enough of what we need.

I refuse to do benefits and charities anymore,....

This election is my lifeline,.....

 

Having a good day

I didn't wake up unsettled today. Over the past 5 years (since I was relegated to accepting ODSP) my life has systematically deteriorated. Slowly, I have been losing everything I had that I enjoyed doing. The poorer I got,... the less I had. The less I had,.. the less I could do. Until eventually I was left with never leaving my apartment and watching tv 18 hours a day. And I HATE it. I had severe cabin fever.

But after getting outside yesterday I was given a brief reprieve from my normal tedious routine. I was excited as I had finally gotten outside after 6 months of being couped up in this box. It was heaven. And the effects of that have spilled over into today. 

Normally I only sleep about four hours a night now. I think it's because I don't expend any energy during the day so I don't get tired. A person needs to exercise (or at least do something) to expend all that pent up energy a body produces. If you don't move around ~ your body rebels. And in my situation with my mental illness, tha manifests into anxiety. I get this ball in the pit of my stomach. And it feels like a hand is squeezing it causing anxiety. And over the course of the day it builds. In a normal world I would just get up and go for a walk. Not being able to do that just leaves me unsettled. Jittery,... until I feel like my whole body is vibrating. Like a subway driving through my veins. It's a hard feeling to explain. And it's very uncomfortable. I put it down to being so sedate all day that it just builds up until I'm a raw bag of nerves.

As a kid I swam. I lived in the water. And I have remained very active in my adult life until five years ago. So I am not used to this doing nothing stuff. I hate it. And now,... I don't have the means to get out and hike anymore or go swimming. So I can't release it. It just builds and builds and builds until I have become a frustrated angry individual. To the point that I was waking up angry and in a bad mood all the time. It makes you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's a heavy life to lead.

But this morning I woke up normal. I went to bed exhausted after my big day. And I slept for 8 solid hours. I haven't done that in ages. So for the first time in a long time I woke up feeling refreshed. This is proof that getting outside and leading a normal life is so much better for your mental health. Being stuck away in this apartment is literally making me rot,... I got a small taste of what my past life was like yesterday and it cheered me up. 

But I am paying for it today. I knew I would. Fibromyalgia does not leave you alone just because you had a good day. The walk was great, but I am in pain today. But I dont' care. It was so worth it to feel like I belonged in civilization once again. I will just take it easy today. Rest up. Take some OTC pain relief. I had a long soak in a hot epsom bath last night which I think helped. Maybe another one later will help again. But the weather,.... is just so gorgeous today. I feel it pulling me outside. But I can't. The pain is too bad today. 

It is election day tomorrow. I will cross my fingers that the weather remains this nice and I can walk to the polls. It's in a local school not far from me so if the weather is good I should have no problem. And then on my walk home I am going to treat myself to Timmies. A french vanilla and a chocolate dipped donut. So fingers crossed mother nature gives me a break.

My problems have not disappeared. But just having one good day outside with fresh air and the sunshine can make all the difference to my mental health. And today, for the first time in a very long time, I feel okay. Not great,... but ok. And in my life I will take that. Because ok is still better than miserable.

I got outside for the first time since September

I have shingles ~ AGAIN! The 4th time in four years. So I was desperate to get out to a pharmacy as I needed a bunch of stuff for the itch - which was driving me mad! We are closing in on the end of the month so almost all my supplies are getting low. I didn't have much money left but I NEEDED something for this itching. And wasn't I pleasantly surprized when I looked out the window and saw clear foot-paths. I haven't even been able to see the paths for the past few months. Ontario has been dumped with a more than normal amount of snow this year. I just haven't been able to get out as you can't get a walker through the snow. (Is there such a thing as a sleigh walker? It has sled runners instead of wheels?) So after my triggering experience on Facebook earlier I thought it might be a nice distraction to get outside. I have not been outside of this building since SEPTEMBER - six months. Aside from 2 trips to emerge at the hospital I have not gone outside. To say I have cabin fever would be an understatement. I am nearly delerious with the isolation of being alone. Getting outside sounded wonderful.

So I got out clothes. I haven't worn real clothes in months. I live in football shirts and pajama pants now. Why dirty clothes when you never leave your home? So today I dug out the real clothes. Imagine my surprise when I realized they were all too big. I have lost more weight. Can't think of that now,... I dug out my jacket,... my boots,... my gloves and hat. And I bundled myself up to face the Canadian February. But by the time I got outside I realized it was only 3* degrees outside (37* Faren.) so it wasn't even cold out. Infact,... it was gorgeous. Sunny, and for the first time in a very long time,... above zero (freezing). My pain level was manageable so I grabbed my vape for pain relief as I went (SEE HOUSING??? NO vaping in unit!!!) and I went outside. 

I cannot tell you how enjoyable it was to feel the sun on my bare skin. To feel the fresh air on my face as I walked. I could even smell the air. Wet earth,... The paths were like lakes with the warmer weather melting all the snowbanks. That didn't matter. You can still get a walker through water,... I was surprized to see I am still nervous crossing the street. This intersection is the one I was hit at. If I want to go anywhere in town,... I have to cross this intersection. It hasn't been horrible. But I do find myself wary. I wait and LOOK the driver in the eye before I step off the curb now. But even the memory of the accident could not bring my mood down. The sun,... the fresh air,.. it's all so up-lifting. To think it's been 6 months since I have felt this. 

I walked around Walmart and got what I needed. A little shocked at the prices. I just got pharmacy stuff and few toiletries and it came to a hundred dollars. There was so little I fit it all in one bag. Wow,... surviving is getting more expensive! 

I walked home with no incident but felt so exhausted when I finally got in. But I felt so much better for having gotten out. Today is Tuesday. We vote Thursday. Hopefully the weather will stay nice and I can walk to the polling station. Fingers crossed,...

I'm still mad at life. And at Ontario,... and housing,... and all the other things that seem to control every aspect of my freedom. But today,... I got outside. And that felt awesome. So I'm going to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can. There are very few joys in my life. You have to appreciate the ones you do get.

Sad trolls looking for drama

 I have left Facebook for good,... I don't delete the profile as I have about a thousand pictures stored on it so I have to keep it around. But the abuse that I have had lately has become too much. Not from friends,... complete strangers. TROLLS. People who are not happy in their own life so they look for drama to excite them. TONYA's!!!!!! 

Here is the last straw on Facebook. As youn know I am desperate for change in Ontario. it is election time so I felt the need to put a REAL post on my facebook profile outlining just how serious poverty is on Ontario if you live on ODSP. The post:

"I just wrote a commnet about Doug Ford and his party (negative of course) in one of my local community groups here in my town where I live, saying his poverty has left me so miserable I don't even want to be alive. But I guess that is too nasty a comment as it was removed. Facebook has been removing almost all of my comments about Doug Ford and ODSP and poverty. Because I say the truth - I would rather be dead than live in his poverty -but I don't get a say. It is just removed with a warning. how are we suppose to fight poverty and doug ford if we are being GAGGED by facebook and it's community groups. i find the commuinty groups won't touch on 'negative' or 'depressing' themes like poverty and ESPECIALLY ODSP? . It's like the middle class deosnt' want to see that - so they get it removed. How am I suppose to get the world to see us if they keep removing our commnets on Doug Ford and his poverty. The middle class does not want to see poverty. It's nasty to them and they remove it. So we are forever HIDDEN and our opinions and views GAGGED. I have had 3 removed today. Just becasue I said I would rather be dead than live in his poverty. It's election time - when CAN i voice my opinion on how miserable poverty is????? And when will someone finally see us and help?"

To which David Sage replied with "LOL" I see no humour in this post at all. It is obviously him being a nasty human being. INSTIGATING. I should have just left it alone but I didn't. I replied,...

I know normal people would probobly have laughed and walked away. But I am at my end,... i am suicidal already,... I already feel worthless and invisable,... this just hit a raw nerve and i couldn't take it anymore. THIS troll - DAVID SAGE - from here in Ontario - pissed me off because when I went onto his profile he was trying to come off as some stand up guy who cared for the Jews and was fighting for their freedom and he even had JESUS posts. But true to troll form??? He didn't allow comments on any of his posts. A seasoned troll,... protecting his own profile but being nasty to others,... it just annoyed me that he was pretending to be a good perosn on his profile - yet laughing at me and calling me a PEDO at the same time. It pissed me off.

Mentally ill people,... which I am,.... going through crisis already,... don't deal well with these assholes. My illness lets it get under my skin and I take it so personal.

All my life I have heard "your not good enough,..." "we need to self care so can't let you in our lives" leaving me feeling unwanted. People like David Sage literally push us over the edge to want to kill outselves. It was very upsetting to be called a PEDO!!!! My post had nothing to do with this. he was just being as MEAN as he could be. I don't know this man. I have never met him. So why do people fell they can be so nasty behind their keyboards???

When you live my life of NO joy or happiness of any kind. ONLY struggle and misery? People like this push you over the edge,...

I can't handle Facebook. I don't have thick enough skin to deal with the nasty's. In my head I know they are trolls,... but in my heart they really hut me,... so i have to leave Facebook again. I had only come back to it for a few days and already it has upset me again,...

I think the worst comment of all I have gotten on there was when I was doing my hunger strike for poverty,... someone actually commneted "I hope you have your coffin lady becasue noone cares,..." and that just summed up my whole life. Things went downhill from there. 

I guess i'm just not stron enough for this world. Becasue to me,... words hurt. And this guy,... just pushed me over the edge,...

David Sage? I wonder how proud you would feel if your family and frineds knew you called a complete stranger in suicidal crisis a PEDO,.... how proud you must feel,....

Getting the fuck out of Ontario

Ontario used to be the place I was proud to live in. But today,.. I am anything BUT proud. Igrew up in Bramalea. A town so small it later amalgamated into another neighbouring town changing it's name to Brampton. Once a small community mainly of British immigrants. My parents, who adopted me when I was 16 months old, were stable and kind and loving which gave me the best childhood I could ever have hoped for. We were middle class. My father ~ a radar designer from England was an intelligent man. So smart. I think his intelligence gave him a dry wit that sometimes left me wondering if he was serious or joking. He was a proud man. And I loved him. In the end, he was the only man that loved me unconditionally and made me feel so safe and wanted. My mother - born in Winnipeg Canada to Dutch immigrants was just as loving. So I have NO COMPLAINTS about my childhood. Growing up in the sixties and seventies was so much more,... simple. I just remember fun and love. Ideal. I think these were the last of the peaceful and simple years the world will see. Because things are so much different now.

Back then, Ontario had a good system. There were programs that helped the needy. Noone seemed to get left behind back then. But now,... I feel all of society has changed. 

Now are programs that our past generations put in place are being broken due to the over use of needing them. Doug Ford and his government has actually dismantled some of these programs and not replaced them. And I have watched over the past 30 years Ontario lose the things we needed so badly. Eye care. I used to work for an Optometrist in the late '80's and back then - OHIP covered the cost of an appointment. That program ended,... then other health care programs ended,... and now we are facing a two tier health care system that leaves the poor (ME) behind. We also have a DESPERATE shortage of doctors. All of these things have accumulated to a very miserable existence if your poor. If you live in Ontario and your middle class or above? This place is great to live. But if your disabled or poor,... you WILL suffer. And I am one of the ones suffering.

So I have had enough of Ontario Canada. I am MOVING. I am buying a one-way plane ticket to British Columbia. I am following my parents footsteps. They both fled Ontario to BC and later died there. So it only makes sense I do the same.

I am getting the fuck out of Ontario Canada as it is starving me and leaving me miserable. I am invisable in Ontario under Doug Fords government. I can't seem to change the poverty no matter how loud I shout,... so I give up. I am leaving,... and I am NOT coming back.

Anyone who follows this blog knows why I am going to BC. Life is too hard a struggle now. And I am too old and tired and disabled to do it on my own anymore. So I give up,...

Plans have been made,... money is being saved (at least some good came of those accident insurance payments) and By June 1st I will be the hell out of Ontario. And you know my plans after that.

I say goodbye to my parents,... I have a little vacation,... and then a hot shot of fentanyl and I get the hell out of poverty.

Ontario, Canada has really gone downhill. You won't see it if your middle class or rich. But if your poor,... my hats off to you as you probobly wont' survive unscathed.

I wish Doug Ford would read this blog. But Doug Ford is so preoccupied with wasting our money on highways and spas for the rich he doesn't even acknowledge the poor. He still believes we are sitting at home wasting money on us as we watch the Flintstones. Fuck you Doug,... I am not living in your poverty anymore. Five years of it has literally seen me decline into a suicidal mess. And now,... I am fleeing from your absolute BLIND eyes. you will NEVER help the poor,.... never.

So roll on June 1st,... when I leave Ontario Canada behind me. Poverty and Ontario forcing me to live in legislated poverty won. I cna't take it anymore,... not one more year will I endure your poverty.

Roll on British Columbia and eventually PEACE. With one hot shot of Fentanyl. The sad part? Noone will even notice I am gone,.....

This video will be the biggest eye opener of Canada you will ever see

I have given up,...

I have OCD. My apartment is normally not only tidy and clean - but bleached. Even though I have not had a dishwasher in over 25 years, I still manage to always have a clean counter with no dirty dishes. It is the only thing I have left that I have any control over. My world may be shit - but at least it's clean. But I have given up now and no longer care what my kitchen looks like anymore,...

Over the course of the past year I have slowly been breaking down. And this week,... I have hit a wall. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning now. What for? To sit in my chair for 18 hours blankly starring at a box? Why bother,... just lay in bed and rot,...

And then theres the anger,... I am mentally ill and unmedicated. This past year I have desperately needed help. But no help has come. I am angry at the people who don't reach out - yet call 911 on me. The age-old "I don't want to have to deal with you so I'm going to call 911 on you instead" and then you walk away and forget about me. You dust off your hands and move on, but I now have cops at my door. This has happened over a dozen times. This is NOT help.

And you know why that is? I am not worth the help. Instead ~ everyone is so hung up on hearing "suicide",... why don't they reach out and see if theres anyway they can help. Just a shoulder to cry on,... and ear to listen to,... a day out of this apartment would do me the world of good,.... just a visit from someone to remind me that I have value and someone cares,.... But nothing,...

 ***crickets***

 They all just call 911 so they've done their duty and then walk away leaving me to deal alone. They don't want to get involved. Again - that is NOT help. I just get thrown in Homewood and the cycle starts all over again. 911 does NOT HELP. 

Back to the anger,... I am so angry at my situation. And my mental illness leaves me unable to cope. I need medication to control this anger. I need pain medication for my pain. I need a doctor so I can finally start to heal these injuries,... I need so much. But get nothing.

I woke up this morning itching like mad. I have shingles again. This is the 4th time in 4 years I have gotten shingles. The itch is driving me mad. I need stuff from the pharmacy but can't get there,... I am so frustrated I just want to die. I always have some kind of medical ailment. I am always sick now. It's so tiring,...

I woke up angry. I wake up every morning angry now. Because I know my life is never changing. THIS IS IT. You are always going to live in poverty and pain and will NEVER BE SEEN.

My kitchen - once so immaculate you could eat off the floor - is now a disaster. Three days of dishes clutter the counter. Food,.. left on plates to rot,... This is NOT ME. But I seem to have given up. I just don't care anymore. I don't have the energy or the motivation or the desire to even care,... I have given up.

This video I have put here is SHOCKING! But this is my goal. My life is so HOPELESS that THIS is all I see for myself. It is time,... I have never been more serious about anything in my life. NOW IS THE TIME. I am nearly there with the money. Just one more month and I should have enough to get to BC.

To me,... this is the saddest - most tragic end to a life. My life is so painful that I am choosing to fly to BC to this,.... zombieland. And my only plan is to die,.... If you can't get fentanyl here,... you can't get it anywhere. I just need ONE HOT SHOT and my pain and my poverty will be gone. ***pouf*** finally get relief,...

This video will be the biggest eye-opener you will ever see about Canada. Well this video,.... this is Canada too,.... and this is where my life is heading because there just isn't enough money to allow me to live,...

So roll on BC and the biggest fucking hot shot of fentanyl to ever exist,... time to finally escape this pain. I'm not living anymore. I am an empty shell that breathes with no heart or soul,... I am an empty vessel that just needs to die,...

Waking up angry is not a life,... it's a torture,... and I can't take it anymore,... 

I have fianlly broken down and hit a wall. But still nobody sees,...

Now that I have had time to think

Yesterday was Saturday. Game day. MLS Season opener. So I was in a very good mood. I watched 5 games. So I was pleasantly distracted from my usual 18 hours of watching boring tv shows. So when I wrote in my blog yesterday, I was in a postive mood. But today,... this morning,... in the cold light of day,... I have come to my senses. 

I am not going to meet up with this man. It's just not going to happen for me. I am not the least bit 'datable'. I am a train wreck. I need resuing - not dating. I have nothing to offer a man. I am embarrassed at my situation. I feel ugly and old and certainly not 'a catch'. My life has sunken too low now to get back into 'normal' main-stream life.

I have been sequestered away inside this apartment now for 6 months. I haven't talked to anyone,... I have not socialized at all. I almost feel like I don't even know how to act in public anymore. I feel so different that I feel like people would be looking down on me. I feel like I wouldn't know what to talk about,... I don't even know if I can hold a converstaion with anyone anymore. I am a recluse now. Alone,... rusty,... out of touch,...

I feel like I would only be using this guy to be rescued. And that isn't fair. I am not 'that' person. If I was,... I had that chance a few years ago with that man I use to go out riding with. He owned his own business and home and had multiple motorcycles,... if I was 'that' person, I would have pounced on him. But I am not that person. I can't do that to someone. I am an old fashioned girl. I have to be with someone because I love them - 100% for them - not what they own. I have to meet someone - and feel that attraction - and if it's not there, I can't persue that relationship. 

I have never needed a man. Luckily I was born extremely independent. If I meet one and we hit it off - that would be an awesome bonus. But I am not one to go out and actively look for someone. I don't use dating sites. Can you just imagine my profile? Poor as a church mouse lady who is disabled and down and out - hasn't got anything to offer. But hey,... message me! Infact,... see this profile and RUN - the other way - fast.  lol. I would LOVE to have a man by my side. but ONLY for the right reasons. And I don't think now is a very healthy time to be getting involved with someone. I really do just need to concentrate on myself. I can't offer someone a life,... if I don't even have one to begin with. I'm just an empty vessel right now.

It all goes back to that cup analogy ~ you have to fill your cup with positive experiences in order to balance out the bad. But I never add to my cup. It has been bone dry for 5 years now. So with an empty cup,... you have nothing to give to others. And the only way to fill up my cup with a positive balance is to go outside and HAVE A LIFE. But I haven't been able to do that. Because I am stuck. Stuck in poverty,... stuck in pain,... stuck in a building that is toxic to my mental health,... I am stuck isolated and alone,... there is NOTHING being poured into my cup. At all! So until I have something in my cup that will allow me to finally feel pride again,... then I have nothing to offer anyone and prefer to hide away alone. I am embarrassed and humiliated with my situation and I really dont' want anyone to know about it. 

I feel like I don't have one ounce of dignity in my life.

How could I have ever have thought anyone could have wanted me,... the welfare whore,... the trailer trash,... the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks,... give your head a shake lady,... your an invisable nobody that just needs to hide away.

      

And the MLS is back!!!!

My life is shit. I am as poor as a church mouse. I dont' have a lot,... but what I do have is football. My passion for my two teams has always kept me going throuhg all the tough times. No matter what was going on, I knew that come Saturday (and sometimes Sunday or Wednesday night) I had my football to look forward to. My teams have not been overly great the past few years. Infact Toronto FC has fallen into a decline that is nearly embarrassing. But die hard fans don't walk away. 

And today is the MLS season opener. major League Soccer has returned. 

So tonight I sit here,... with anticipation,....

MLS Season pass on Apple tv? ,... check

Toronto FC jersey? ,... check

Maggie sitting on my knee oblivious to the excitment?,... check

Roll on 7:30,... my MLS is back!

Well heres one for the books I wasn't expecting

Well here is one for the books. I was doiong my usual morning routine when I got messaged on my Facebook profile. Not my usual profile but a game profile I have where I only use it to play a game. Well I did years ago but stopped a few years ago. Now it is just an empty profile sitting there. Every now and then i go on it and just delete all the messages, etc,...

But today, I had a message from a man asking if he would like to become friends. Normally these are scams and I can spot thema mile away. But this person actually lives here in my town. On looking at his profile he seems to be legit. An older guy,... works for a living,... seems to have family and friends,... so I chat with him. I warned him he has caught me at my lowest and actually said "I'm not really dating materail right now" but he didn't seem fazed. So we arranged to meet up for coffee. 

I am terrified. 

Poor woman don't get the same beauty routines that normal woman get. I only shave once a month as razor blades are so expensive. I call my razors "spnge-worthy" an old clip from an old Seinfeld episode. I only use them when absolutely necessary. I dont even get real haircuts. I just cut my own hair. I bend over at the waist and cut the ends off. Voila,... haircut. I dont' even wear nail polish let alone go for expensive manicures or pedicures. So I don't get the polishing that other woman do. I am 100% natural. I dont' wear make-up. I am a tom-boy plain Jane.

So i am terrified.

I have not been romantically involved with a man in years. I have had no interest. I have always felt like I have nothing to offer a man and until I feel better about myself I jsut thought it a bad idea to look for a relationship. I told this man all of this and he still wants to meet. He has a dentist appointment in Fergus Monday and would like to pick me up and take me out for coffee.

I am terrified

This is either a complete scam (maybe even set up by Tonya like she set me up with Pat) but what have I got to lose? He knows who I am and still wants to meet. maybe he is just a nice guy,...

But time will tell. I have a radar for bad men. I will know when we meet what his real intentions are. But I can't help think that with the way my life is right now,... what have I got to lose.

So I am going for it. i dont' feel good about myself. I feel ugly. I feel old. I feel different. But I think I need to put this behind me and give it a try.

This could be the worst decision I will make this year,... but it could also be the best,... I guess time will tell.

Laughter really is the best medicine

My life is very depressing. My days are long with nothing to do but watch tv. The lonliness can really set in leaving me despondant some days. Before I hit these really hard times, I used to love to laugh. I have a big laugh. I laugh from the belly. And it's loud. But I don't care. Humour is the one thing that has gotten me through these difficult 5 years. When I worked at Tim Hortons to put myself through school, my boss called me 'chuckles' becasue I was always happy and laughing. He said he wished everyone came into work with that. But over the past 5 years, I have had less and less to laugh about. Until this year when things have become downright dire. When I wake up in the morning, I don't feel refreshed and happy. Infact the first thing I think is,... 'damn,... I'm still alive and breathing so I have to face another day of nothing but tv,...' There really isn't anything to laugh about in my life right now.

But without laughter,... I would shrivel up and die inside. Everything has been taken away from me because of poverty. So all I have left now is laughter. So everyday, no matter how bad or depressed I feel, I force myself to watch certain videos. I have a handful of things I like to watch that make me laugh out loud and forget about my troubles if only for an hour. Gogglebox UK,... Graham Norton Show,... animal videos,... etc,... these programs allow me to just enjoy. 

So everyday I make a point of watching funny videos and I laugh. I let my whole body laugh. And it's a release. When your so miserable in your life you feel like you can barely breath, laughter seems to just melt everything away and lets you just be ~ happy. Happy is something that has eluded me for a very long time.

I don't have a partner,... or a best friend. I don't have family. I speak to noone. I am alone 24/7. So sadly, the tv is the only human contact I have. My illness makes me suseptible to mood. I feel things deeply. When I am sad,... I am suicidal. When I am happy,... I am laughing out loud. My emotions are felt to the extreme. This is normally not a good thing. But when it comes to laughter,... it allows me to let go and release all the frustration and depression and sadness. It doesn't balance the moods,... (you know, making life worthwhile again) but it does give me an hour or so a day when I can just forget this shitty life and just laugh.

*********************************

This video is "Tony and Ryan" - 2 Australian friends who just keep me laughing.

In an ideal world,...

In an ideal world I would be loved.

 A family would see me and take me in and wrap me into their fold.

 I will live with them. 

I sit and watch their busy lives swish all around me. Kids coming home from school,... Mom starting dinner,... I thrive on the everyday. 

I am included in every holiday,...

I am loved even though I am unlovable,...

In an ideal world I am adopted into a loving family,...

and I live

Happily Ever After,...

in an ideal world,.....

Nobody wants to hear about it,...I am being gagged!

It is days before the Ontario election. I am very vocal about my hatred of Doug Ford and the PC's. I feel he is responsible for the suffering of the disabled and poor in this province. he has openly showed disdain and disrespect for us with rude and negative comments that prove he would rather we all just 'went away',...

I need him out of power and I am doing all I can do that. It is election time and therefore the perfect time for me to be voicing my concerns on poverty. however,.. I am being gagged.

I wrote this today on Facebook. I have left Facebook generally and only come back on it once in awhile just to catch up on messages, etc,... but generally don't post anymore. But knowing just how important this election is to me,... I wanted to make a post about MY situation on MY timeline. I felt THAT was the most appropriate place to put it.

I wrote:

*********************************************

 I just wrote a comment about Doug Ford and his party (negative of course) in one of my local community groups here in my town where I live, saying his poverty has left me so miserable I don't even want to be alive as it's just too much of a struggle now. But I guess that is too nasty a comment as it was removed. Facebook has been removing almost all of my comments about Doug Ford and ODSP and poverty. Because I say the truth - I would rather be dead than live in his poverty -but I don't get a say. It is just removed with a warning. How are we suppose to fight poverty and doug ford if we are being GAGGED by facebook and it's community groups. I find the commuinty groups won't touch on 'negative' or 'depressing' themes like poverty and ESPECIALLY ODSP! It's like the middle class doesnt' want to see that - so they get it removed. It blemishes their timelines,...How am I suppose to get the world to see us if they keep removing our commnets on Doug Ford and his poverty. The middle class does not want to see poverty. It's 'not nice' to them and they remove it. So we are forever HIDDEN and our opinions and views GAGGED. I have had 3 removed today. Just becasue I said I would rather be dead than live in his poverty. It's election time - when CAN I voice my opinion on how miserable poverty is????? And when will someone finally see us and help?

**************************************************************

I know it is not 'nice' to say you would rather be dead than live in poverty. It must be shocking for the middle class and rich to hear. I honestly believe they just dont' see how bad this poverty really is. That people really are commiting SUICIDE rather than struggle so much. It's a fact. It's not a nice fact,... but it is indeed a fact. PEOPLE ARE KILLING THEMSELVES BECASUE OF POVERTY.

But we are not allowed to even say the words "dead' or suicide' and our posts are removed.

How nice it must be to live a life that you can turn your head away from those in need,... all becasue it was 'not a nice thing' to have to read on your timeline. better to get it removed than to actually SEE what we are saying and that we NEED you to see it for change.

But you won't - you just keep removing our comments,....

How the hell are we suppose to be heard if we are always being gagged?????

Change cannot happen unless people SEE it needs to happen. But we are being hidden away and gagged,... our voices are too 'not nice' to hear.

Why did I trust this lawyer?

 So,... as I wrote about yesterday I went nuclear on my lawyer. I mean I was angry and yelled and hung up on him. Guess what I got back?

Hi Jacquie,

 

I am just confirming that you spoke with (my lawyers name) today. As always, we are here to help. If you change your mind with getting PSW, psych or physio please let me know.

So,... they are pretending I am not upset,... they are pretending everything is ok,... they are pretending they can still help,.... It is like they didn't hear a damn word I said,.... so I wrote them THIS:

***********************************

I find those words upsetting. "If you change your mind with getting PSW, psych, or physio please let us know,..."

So you are obviously not listening to what I have said. I will NEVER be using your physio or psych and you know exactly why. Yet still you say things that make it sound like I am just being difficult and I am refusing help. If that makes you feel better than you go ahead and believe that. but the truth is they are not what I need. I am not going ot explain for another time why. I have told you why. One called the police so I can never trust her and the other does not know fibromyalgia.

So if you say one more time,.... "If you change your mind and want these,..." I will be angry. Because it proves your not listening to me. I was DISSATISFIED with them and will never use them.

Obvious you only have one set of help. And if I can't use them,... then you have noone else in your arrtillery, You use these people in this company ONLY. YOU HAVE NOONE ELSE to offer me BUT these people form this same company. Right?

So you obviously can't help me. So I am reaching out to find someone who can. 

By the way,... I would like the name or address/email of who I can send a complaint to about your office.

Thank you

Jacquie

***********************************************

Obviously I am INVISABLE to this firm. This lawyer told me it was ok to accept the insurance payments when it wasn't,... this has caused a dominoe effect that will have me knocked out of the income bracket to get all my benefits. MY LAWYER DOESN'T SEEM TO SEE THE DAMAGE THAT HE HAS DONE. I am just a name to him and one day the case will be closed and he will have done nothing but fuck up my ODSP. He gets to walk away and I'm left homeless. And he is so arragant he refuses to admit he has given me wrong advice and still doens't understand the problem. This lawyer is obviosuly a RICH man and doens't understand or even EMPATHIZE with the poor. He didn't even know what ODSP was. He's too rich,....

So I am still fuming,.... I am still wanting to just end my life and get it over with. My taxes alone are going to be nightmare to do and I will have to hire someone who will cost money I don't have.

My life is a complete MESS

And the only escape is SUICIDE

Fuck you all

I have completely given up now. I was counting on this lawyer to help me. But I could tell he didn't even really know how I was. When I lit into him about losing ODSP he couldn't even remember that conversation we had. How he told me it would all be ok to receive these payments as it wouldn't change anything. But it did. And now I have lost everything. He still doesnt get it. He isn't seeing how serious losing ODSP and my housing is. So I should never have called this man in the first place.

I AM SO SORRY THAT I EVER CALLED A LAWYER 

Instead of helping me,.... he has fuckied me up even worse than before the accident. At least before I had an income and my housing benefit. Now after my insurance payments run out -     I have nothing. I have my CPP which is about $900 and that is my TOTAL income a month now. I have been royally screwed and he has shown no interest in fixing it. Infact,... I don't even think he is still my lawyer. I think the case is done. I got nothing but screwed out of my income. And until I pay ODSP there 4 or 5 thousand dollars back,... I don't get another penny.

I AM SO SORRY I EVER CALLED A LAWYER

So now I am ruined. I have no income,... I will lose my housing benefit as soon as they see my new income tax which has the insurance payments included. It has knocked me out of the bracket to qualify for these benefits. Now I make just a tiny bit too much and lose all the benefits. My lawyer can't get those back for me. he was wrong for not understanding ODSP in the first place and he gave me WRONG information that fucked me.

I have no future. I have no hope. I am down and out and nobody sees me,....

I need to find a new home but I don't make enough to cover any rent. So I will be homeless once again,....

I am so devasted that my life means so little to so many. I went to bed right after I spoke to my lawyer. Becasue I knew it was all over. I knew I wasn't getting money,... I knew I wasn't getting a doctor,... I knew I was getting NOTHING.

I refuse to be homeless again. i refuse to live a life on benefits and charities. i refuse to live a life where I am alone and invisable.

It is time. I was waiting to see what would happen with the case. But now I know,... THERE IS NO CASE. There never was a case. I was just being strung along,.....

As usual Jacquie Rose Holyoak is worth NOTHING. And now I have nowhere to go,... i am alone - invisable - and will soon be  homeless.

I AM SO SORRY THAT I EVER CALLED A LAWYER 

And now all i can think about is dying.how to die,... when to die,... but I will die. I have had enough and being treated like an invisable nobody has taken it's toll.

I am not waiting for BC. I am going to take a taxi into Elora and jump into the gorge. I have completely had enough and can't go on. I just need to die and today that is going happen.

Say goodbye to the mentally ill monster - the welfare whore - the trailer trash - the absolute nobody that nobdoy wanted.

Say goodbye because that girl is done and no longer exists and is now dead.

FUCK YOU LAWYER,... Fuck you Doug Ford,.... Fuck You Wellingotn County and Fergus Ontario,.... Fuck you all,....

I am now DEAD   

 The walls are closing in

There is absolutely NO FUCKIN G HOPE NOW

I knew they would forget to call me. When she emailed she asked what time to call and I said after my coffee around 9. By two o'clock - no phone call. So I called her. It did not go well. She didn't really know my case. She knew my name and who I was and that she knew she had to call me today. But she stammered and hummed and hahed until she could pull up my email and 'remember' why she was goning to call me. I have to think if I hadn't called her,... she would have forgot.

But shw had nothing. I secretly had my hopes up that maybe they had found a doctor or something,.. but she just went down and itemized list of things we tried already (like she was refreshing herself with my case,...) So I got mad (big surprize) and said you don't even know who I am do you? What my case is? I am just small fries to you guys arent' I,.... I embarrassed her enough that she said she would get the lawyer to call me.

That call went even worse. 

Now,... I know I am on my own when it comes to my arm and hands. They can't help me. So,....

I am out of hope,...

I was on their convere belt and they forgot I was going around and around and around,....

I was ,.... as usual,.... INVISABLE!

Now I KNOW there is nothing coming down the pipe to help me so I just have to end this shit show.

I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be thrown away and left to rot,....

Its so demeaning and humiliating I just don't want to carry on.

Don't even want to wait for BC now,... just want to be GONE<>>>>>>>>>>

Is news coming? Or is the case being closed?

I am waiting. For a phone call. From my lawyer. Well,... it's never my actual lawyer - it's his law clerk I deal with. But I haven't heard from them in months. I left her an email a few weeks back on the year anniversary of my accident. I was surprised I heard nothing back. I have to say,... back in my day it was common curtosy in business to always reply to a letter (or in this new era an email) that you received it and will get back to them. It lets people know you received theri request. That doesn't happen with this lawyer. (every email and phone call costs $$$$$) So after nearly two weeks of no reply to me email I had just given up on my case. But yesterday I got an email form the law clerk saying she is going to phone me today. Now I had honestly thought they had forgotten about me. I am a very, very small case in comparison to what they normally deal with. If it weren't for my fibromyalgia complication I probobly wouldn't have reached out for legal help at all. So as I sit here,... waiting,... I have no idea what she will want to speak to me about. It could be anything from 'your case is over and we are closing it' - to 'we have found something to help you'.  I honestly have no feel for what she wants to talk about. And I am nervous. My anxiety is leaning towards them telling me there isn't anything more they can do for me and will be closing my file. But,... until that phone rings, I won't know.

Fuck You Doug Ford Ive had enough and am choosing DEATH

 I have no self esteem. But is there any wonder why,....

How am I suppose to have HOPE when the leaders of my province think I'm only good to sit at home and "watch the Flintstones"

How am I suppose to have HOPE when he says HE ALRAEDY HELPED US!

how am I suppose to have any HOPE at all when there is none

I am going to be living in absolute poverty for the rest of my life.

I just need to die 

Doug Ford is NEVER going to help the disabled. 

I have absolutely NO HOPE of a future

So I just need to make plans that finally help ME

If Doug Ford thinks I'm such a useless piece of shit that HE HAS ALREADY HELPED?

Then I have ZERO hope of a life,...

I will commit suicide and it is becasue of being poor.

NOBODY should ever feel how invisable I feel to this government.

I choose DEATH over legislated POVERTY

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF DOUG FORD but you don't even care if I exist,....

So why hang around? Just to be forgotten about and thrown away?

Better to kill myself and still have DIGNITY

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD - You haven't helped us at all!!!!!!!

People can only live in legislated poverty and being invisable for so long before they snap!!

 People

 can 

only

 live

 so

 long 

being 

invisable

 before 

they

 snap!!!!!!!!

Can't find a way to get out to vote!!

 I am so angry right now as I type this. I have been on the internet and the phone trying to secure a way to get out and vote. 

I am a recluse who has not left my apartment since September (except 2 hospital runs). I do not drive or have a vehicle. I have to walk everywhere I go. but the snow prevents this as I cna't get my walker through the snow.

So i thought I would contact one of the electoral candidates and see if I vote for them - will they have a volunteer come pick me up to vote and then bring me home.

I cannot get in touch with any candidate. I am so frustrated. They only seem to want to be contacted for DONATIONS. but no number for how to TALK to them

I have been trying to secure a way to vote for OVER A FUCKING HOUR but still can't find a way.

I finally got throgh to our local elctoral office but find out I have to vote by mail.

You know what - when the candidates can't even be bothered to talk to their community

then fuck off I would rather jsut not vote and commit suicide

again you make everything so fucking difficult I just give up and dont bother

But this vote is now wated and dougy gets back in and I am fucked

fuck you all

I'm done

commiting suicide is the only answer in this fucking province

THIS IS WHY ASSHOLES LIKE FORD ARE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY - THE POOR CAN'T GET OUT TO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would rather commit suicide than live Doug Fords legislted poverty anymore,...

If anyone saw the plane that crashed at Pearson International Airport yesterday,... this is probobly why. I am not far from there and the weather has been cold and windy. It has been positively arctic out there for weeks now. I can see how a plane landing on an open runway covered in snowdrifts could crash. I don't know why they were even attempting to fly in the first place. Canada is no joke when it comes to snow. But in the end noone died so I guess it could have been worse. 

The plane crash was not the only thing happening here in Toronto. 

FYI: I think it's funny how all the media is pronouncing Toronto. Tor -on-to  Enunciating every vowel and consonant. I was born in Toronto and I know us natives call it "Trono" we run it all together and call it trono. So I can always tell when people have never been here as they humourously call it Tor-on-tooo,.... 

Anyway,... last night was the Ontario Leaders Debate. I follow politics very closely because of my poverty and no health care. I feel I cannot complain if I don't vote. So I always vote. So I made a point of watching the debate between the four parties. (PC, NDP, Liberals and Green). I liked all three EXCEPT doug Ford and the PC's.

Can I just point out exactly WHY I hate Doug Ford. He illuminated this reason crystal clear last night. The leader of the green party finally got him cornered to answer the burning question every disabled and poor person in Ontario wanted to hear.

He said "all 3 of us parties except yours understand that ODSP needs to be DOUBLED just to be able to be livable. WHY aren't you wanting to help the disabled?" I wanted to kiss that man as I have been wanting this answer for 5 years now. Doug Ford always sideswipes his answer and he never ever gives one. Last night when he got cornered,... his pink face actually drained of coulour turning a pale white like his hair. He looked like a deer in headlights. He stammered that he HAS ALREADY helped us. That we got our 17% rasie  - which by the way is wrong - we got a 5% raise last year. But he never once mentioned the future. He said he already helped us,...

so if Doug Ford and PC's get re-elected the poor and the disabled are fucked. I found an article where Doug Ford actually said exactly what he thinks of the disabled on ODSP. Without going into the whole article (You can google this it's everywhere) the one line that stood out and said what he thinks of us was,... 

Ford responded by attacking recipients of different social assistance program. He accused recipients of staying home all day and watching, of all things, The Flintstones.

You can't fight a mentality like that. He has consistantly made commnets about how we are not usesful to the workforce,... how we DRAIN the budget,... he basically thinks we are a WASTE. We don't contribute to society,... so we should be paid NOTHING - just enough to allow us to breath - but not worth a life. If this party gets re-elected we will be given 5% increase each year for the next few years. That doesn't even add up to inflation.

The poor and the disabled are NOTHING to this governemnt. We are NEVER going to be prioritzied. We are always going to be struggling in a legislated poverty.

I refuse to live his poverty. I will commit suicide before I live one more year like I have been. Poor with no health care and no means to get anywhere. It's not a life - it's a life sentence.

I can't see any reasons NOT to commit suicide - I can only see multiple reasons why I should,....

This country has gone downhill so bad, I cna't even survive it. I was priced right out of living,...

So there is only one answer for me.  SUICIDE

And the wheels are already in motion for that to happen. 

I am not going to live a life of poverty just because Doug Ford thinks the disabled are a WASTE of money,....

I will commit suicide before I live his poverty anymore.