I am a useless invisable piece of shit

 i may not have to lill myself. looks like im well on my wY to a syroke pr death anyway

Ontario Housing you should be ashamed

So Ontario Housing read my blog and saw I have been SUICIDAL

YET,... instead of offering help

they choose to threaten me with eviction

Kick me when I'm down

I have lived with their nasty eviction threats for 8 years now. Helen used to stick up for housing saying they do try and help people. But is using a threat of eviciton on someone who is already living in abject poverty HUMANE?????

I am sick of living with the INDIGNITY of using eviction to scare me,....

Housing READ I was suicidal,.... nad threatened me with eviction anyway,....

Let them answer to the police when they find me dead

I am coming up to one year since I fot hit by the car.

And I still can't feel my arm!

By this time there has to be permanent damage. You can't have an arm and hand that is numb and can't feel and not have permanent damage after a year of this. Obviously something got mangled or broken and needs to be fixed. 

But NOONE in this community GAVE A SHIT that I have suffered tremendously since I got hit by that damn car. 

NO HELP ~ my lawyer won't even phone me back - *** crickets ****

STILL can't even feel my arm.

I have been thrown away and forgotten about.

Do people really think it's ok that I have gone ONE YEAR without feeling my arm!?

I hate this world,... I hate my community,.... I hate Fergus, Ontario and the Wellington County. These people have not helped. They say they can but when it comes down to it ~no REALK help.

I give up. I have been forgotten about and thrown away.

Fuck you world

All because I didn't have a fucking doctor

I have been woken up from the pain of my hernia. I am now going into day three of this attack. This hernia is ridiculous because if I had a doctor they would just repair it with a surgery I wouldn't have to suffer with there attacks anymore. But I can't get the surgery because I have no doctor.  I know from experience as I have been to the ER about half a dozen times now with this. Theres nothing they can do for me without a doctor. They give me something for the pain and then they send me home with instructions to contact my doctor to arrange surgery to get it repaired. When I tell them I have no doctor then suddenly I am sent home to fend for myself until it happens again. And it is now happening all the time. 

The thing with a hiatic hernia is they are caused by eating. So now I am down to only being able to eat about 10 bites at a meal before the pain gets to bad. So now I am not getting the food I need because eating is now causing me to get attacks. 

So now I am sitting here in bent over pain suffering. But I know if I call 911 they will bring me to Emerge - give me apin meds and then send me home to suffer it again. So what is the point in paying the $45 ambulance fee just to get told "Oh, with no doctor we can't help you"

story of my fucking life - no doctor - no help

So tonight the pain got so severe it woke me up. And now I am sitting here with a big ass knife infront of me and I am trying to find the courage to stab myself in the heart. It's a big knife and it's strong enough. But I am concerned I will hit my ribs and therefore it wont get my heart and I wont die. I cannot fuck this up. I have to do it right or I will end up in Homewood and never recover,....

I only have ONE CHANCE to do this. And if it works ~ I find peace.

If it doesn't work - I guess I lay here wounded and bleeding but I will STILL REFUSE to call for help. If I don't get my heart,... I can still bleed out and die. It will just be more painful and take a lot longer.

But when your sitting here in absolute agony and you know without a doctor it's going to continue to happen over and over again - it's overwhelming and you will do anything to make that pain stop. Including taking a knife and stabbing it into your heart. Anything has got to be better than suffering this fucking relentless non=stop PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

How much do people expect me to suffer?????

Well,... I cna't anymore. It's too fucking painful and I need to get this pain to STOP! so I can finally get some fucking relief!!!!!

I just can't take this pain anymore!!!!!!

I just need to die

All because I didn't have a fucking doctor!!!!!!!!

I think I'm finally done and I really need to die

 I am so depressed tonight I can't even function anymore.

I spent the whole day in bed watching tv or sleeping. I have turned into a slug. I needed a shower but I couldn't find the energy. So I filled up the bathtub and lay in there until it ran cool. Even then,... I struggled to get out. I have no energy left,...

My hernia is attacking me again. I need a doctor so bad,....

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I just want to die

I jjust want to die 

I just want to die

I am seriously empty and at the end and I just need to die

Trump pardoned a convicted pedophille!!!

I sit here watching Youtube as I do everyday. But today I seem to be inundated with all things Trump. And this isn't sitting well with me. I can't stand to see this mans face, let alone have to listen to his ridicules rantings. 

But what is really annoying me today is his attack on Canada.

Today he has been ranting about how we are free-riders with their military,... that we take advantage and expect them to protect us. 

How he is raising our tariffs which is very serious for a lot of our manufacturing. People will lose jobs as companies will be go under. 

He seems to be in denial that he can actually force Canada to become a State. That will never happen. Canadians have only stood up and shown their backbones by asking everyone to only buy Canadian products. Canadians will never become Americans. NEVER

But his first week has proven he is unstable. He is doing things that are wrong ~ just because he is president and he can.

The one that disgusts me the most is he pardoned a convicted pedopohile allowing him to be back on the streets. What must his victim think of this???

He has taken away the rights of the LGBTQ to call themselves what they want. I am not gay and therefore not aware too much of this community. But I do know they have fought for years to be able to use the pronoun they believe they are. To have this right taken away that has been fought for so long, feels like we're going backwards rather than forwards.

Ditto for the abortion. Although I realize this wasn't directly Trump, taking away the right to a legal abortion has sent womens rights back 50 years. I honestly feel Trump is a misoginist. I honestly feel he thinks he is superior to woman and other races.

He has criminals working in the White House which of course leads to a corruption of the Cabinet. He is changing all the staff to RICH people and you better believe they won't be fighting for the rights of the lower class. It will all be about business and money and greed for the rich now.

He is now wanting to cut the benefits to the poor. I know how that feels being relegated to the useless lower class ~ you get forgotten about.

I am angry about this as Trump forgets what Canada has done for them. Are you competely forgetting about Gander, Nerfoundland during 9/11? Canada dropped everything and took in strangers and made them at home. NO QUESTIONS ASKED - just warm hospitality. And now you are slapping us in the face like the bully you are. I know this is just one example, but there are millions of how Canadians have been good to Americans.

I am actually fearful of Canada's future. We are hurting already because of our own government. I can't help but worry about the future of this country. And I fear that those on the bottom like myself and others on ODSP and OW are going to be hit the hardest. I think we are going to see some bare shelves in the grocery stores and that hurts the poor the most. I am worried.

I don't see any type of future for myself. I only see going more and more downhill. And thats just because of my own government here in Canada. Add to that Trumps plan to either cut us off or be a new state is terrifying to me and it should be for other Canadians. 

Trump has no investment or sympathy for Canadian citizens and he does not care what happens to us.

But the worst thing he is doing is the deprotations. breaking up families and sending them back to a country that some of them don't even remember. Families being ripped apart. I know they have an immigration problem but the way he is treating these people is like cattle. He doesn't even see them as HUMAN. He just sees them as objects that need to be gone. Trump is a heartless bafoon. 

Think of this,... He thinks it's ok to release a convicted pedophille back into society but immigrants that have lived their for years get thrown out and seperated from their families. 

I still can't get over that he is ok releasing a pedophille!! And thats only one of the overturned convictions I heard about. how many other CRIMINALS were released???

He doesn't see ANY people as humans. they are all just numbers and figures on a budget. And he seems to just want to get rid of every immigrant and poor person in the country. And he doesn't care who he hurts to do that.

I feel sadness watching all these documentaries on Trump. Even Americans are worried. 

Sorry,... I just had to rant on this as I feel we are in for some trouble. Canada is going to pay the price for Trumps greed.

And honestly, I can barely exist in Doug Fords poverty,... I'll never survive if Trump adds more tariffs raising the cost of everything. I can't afford the things I need now! I am being warned on these documentaries to stock up on everything as who knows what will no longer be available once these tarriffs are in place. 

I am trying to keep a healthy fear of all of this. I don't want to become paranoid. But there is a lot information out there if you just seek it out. All on reputable news sources from all over the world.  NOONE wants to work with TRUMP. And they all fear what his changes will do to the global economy. 

So from what I am seeing,... Canada may be in for a rough ride.

And if you think I am sticking around to struggle even more in poverty than I already am,... not a chance. I would rather just take my fianl bow and leave all this nonsense behind.

Both in Canada and the States,... the poor are really going to suffer in the future.

Another blustery day in Canada

I woke up obscenely early again this morning. I seem to have a grumbling hiatic hernia attack again. A dull pain,... no sense trying to sleep so I got up and put the coffee on. Opening the curtains and blinds I was treated to a blustery snow storm. I love weather. When most people run inside from storms, I sit on the balcony and watch them. It's a bit cold for the balcony today though. My laptop screen is warning me it feels like -23* with the wind chill. Good day for cuddling up with Maggie then.

I actually like the snow. Growing up in Ontario we had a ton of it. My family was not one to sit inside. We went out to play in it. Behind the home I grew up in was a creek with a small hill going down into it. When I was a kid it felt like that hill was huge. But as an adult I could see it wasn't really much of a hill at all. But as kids we tobogganed down it all winter long. Some winters my Dad made a small ice rink in our backyard. Skating is big here and just like thousands of other kids across Canada, my Mom put me in figure skating to teach me how to skate. I did all my badges but quit at the dance level. We enjoyed the winter. we built forts and had snowball fights. My Dad and I used to go cross country skiing up in Caledon every winter. He was a photographer and he liked to get winter shots. Myself and our collie dog Brandy would go along with him. Those were some of the happiest memories I have of my Dad. I got my love of nature from him I think. 

So this morning I sit looking out my window at the storm. It's so beautiful. I would say it's peaceful but this morning it is not. Being a night owl I have learned that all the snow plowing is done during the night and as I sit here I can here the scraping of the plows pushing mounds of snow off of all the parking lots and roads. We get so much snow here that snow plowing is almost down to an art here. By the time the sun rises,... the roads will be clear. I would love to throw on my parka and go outside. But my fibro prevents that. So instead I will have to live vicariously through Tim this morning. Today he is in Lapland staying in an igloo to watch the northern lights. It's not the same as being there, but the scenery is beautiful and I can almost pretend I'm on vacation too,...

"Lapland"Walk with Tim ~ I stay in a glass igloo in 

And when death finds me

 

She asked to borrow my car!

I sat here in desperation this morning asking myself, what can I do to change my life? I am at the end and broken and can't go on. Something needs to change to make my life even a bit easier. It's because my day to day life is such a physical struggle that I am in this position. A recluse who hasn't gone outside my building since September. (6 months!!!!) In my frustrtation of feeling so trapped here I have been wracking my brain looking for a sloution that would allow me to get away from this commune. I know in my heart that  living in this building is toxic to me and I need to escape once in awhile and just get away from the drama. And the only answer I can come up with is a car. Without transportation I am stuck here. I live in small town so there is no bus service. And our one and only taxi company usually only has one car out on the road so the wait for a taxi in this town can be up to an hour. And even then their scheduled school runs always come first so I can never get a taxi. And once - it didn't even show up at all. So I will never rely on a taxi. I can't. They aren't reliable in my town.

My life as I knew it ended the day my car died and I had to watch a tow truck tow it away to a junk yard. Life has never been the same since. As I have said before I am fiercely independent and that car was my freedom. I moved around a lot so I never settled in one place long enouhg to make friends. I was always so busy trying to work and pay the rent that I look back now and realize I was alone. But back then,... it didn't seem to bother me. I enjoyed my day trips away where I would pack up my car and drive to somewhere in Ontario and have a nice day out by myself. I dont ever remember feeling lonliness like I do now. As long as I could get away from my home for a bit I was satisfied. As long as I had something to do I was ok. 

And that is what the problem is now. I can't get away from this commplex. I can't get a walker through this snow. And the cold is too much for my fibro right now so I have been sequestered away in here for 6 months now - alone - going absolutely stir crazy with cabin fever. If only I had a car,...

But too many years have passed and I have gotten even poorer so I know a car will never be feasable. The insurance and upkeep alone is what made me have to give one up in the first place. I could afford the gas - but that was all. That car ~ named Isabella or Bella for short ~ was a gold coloured 6 cylinder Alero. She was my saviour for many years. And now I really, really miss her. Life is like prison now not being able to get out. 

If you own a car - please feel appreciative because without ~ one I can't even get groceries. My life is now stuck in a box doing nothing.

What I would do to have my freedom back with a vehicle,... 

This actually reminds me of a Tonya story. One that really highlights her entitlement with others. When I first moved here over 8 years ago, I had a car but Tonya didn't. She didn'teven have her license. So I used to pick her up from work if I was in the area and she had finished her shift. In short, I was nice to her. For the first few years I knew her all she did was ask me for stuff. It's why I turned my back on her in the end.

But I digress again. One day about 6 years ago I got a knock on my door. It was early - about 9'ish in the morning - and it was Tonya standing there with her son and a bag. And she said with absolutely no shame or hesitation,.. "Can I borrow your car" apparently she was taking her son to the local recreation centre and her ride must have fallen through. So she felt entitled enough as a brand new licensed driver to ask me to borrow my car - without me - to take her son swimming. 

I have never in my life asked anyone to borrow their car. It's just not appropriate! And she only has her license to drive a few weeks at that time so she wasn't even an experienced driver yet. But what Tonya wants,... Tonya EXPECTS people to drop everything and give her. And she WANTED to go swimming so she expected me to hand over my car to her so she could have what she wanted and expected. Of course I said no. I remember stammering feeling very awkward not knowing what to say but there was no damn way she was borrowing my car!!!! Noone has ever asked this before or since. Only Tonya is entitled enough to ask to borrow a car. Thats how comfortable she was borrowing shit from me and that is why it ended up stopping as she took adbvantage and didn't understand when it wasn't appropriate to ask. She wasn't even a friend to me - just the neighbour who lived down the hall. So entitled but so Tonya,..

it makes me want to go down there today and knock on her door and ask her if I can borrow her car. The angry fireworks I would receive just for asking would be hilarious. In Tonyas world it's ok for HER to ask others but she would never lend HER car to anyone,... she would be pissed off if I even asked. I know I wouldn't get the awkward polite answer of no I gave her - I would get a mouthful of abuse at the audacity of me even asking. But Tonya can't see that she does these things herself. It's ok for her but others get crucified if they do it too. I just remembered this story this morning when I was thinking how much I needed a car. I had nearly forgotten competely that she had done this. It make me laugh now as it so poinantly shows her entitlement with everythning. She has "borrowed" a mattress,... a bike,... which in the end I think she sold to someone else instead of giving it back to me (the bike). GRIFTER should be her middle name. I wonder if she still goes cap in hand to churches for money? If she still uses the food bank? She was using the food bank and then going to Pueta Plata every Christmas for a few years there. Note to Tonya: If you can afford a vacation - you don't need the food bank - you are taking food from others who actually need it. GRIFTER

Anyway,... went way off topic there.

I wanted to talk about how I need to make a change if I am going to survive. But without transportation my life isn't worth living when you put with the poverty and pain and the Tonya bullying,....

So after a morning of trying to think of ANYTHING to make my life better - I now know there isnt' anything. If I dont' end my life myself and soon,... I will be sentenced to another 20 years of living in this box - or worse homeless when my insurance money runs out - so why bother???? I really have to sit and ask myself this morning why I bother trying anymore. No help is coming,... no doctor is coming,... no transprotation is coming,.... 

My life is over and I need to find a way to end it. THAT is the only truth I come away with today. I need to just end my life.

Thinking about gratitude

I feel like I'm never going to have a good sleep again. Yet another night I am up watching the box. I don't like to tax my brain too much with car chases or war movies in the peacefulness of the night. Instead I like to watch nature. It's relaxing. I get stoned and watch Youtube videos of places I would love to be. Tonight I am watching giant grizzlies fighting in Yellowstone. You can't help but admire the majestic beauty of these magnificent animals. I wished I live in the forests of BC. In a cabin with a big front porch. No need for tv when mother nature is your cable. One of my many regrets in life is that I had to live in cities and towns rather than the country. But I don't want to get hung up on regrets.

Instead I have been thinking a lot about gratitude. I know on here I dump a lot of my frustration at being poor. But thats just me dumping. And when I am angry I am angry at general things (the government,... the system,...) not individuals. Infact there are times when people I don't even know show up out of the woodwork and restore my faith in humanity. And they don't always have to be big things. Sometimes it's the little gestures that you appreciate the most and remember.

I have many stories like this but just as an example. 

A few years ago my coffee maker broke. I was at a place where money was extremely tight and I just couldn't afford to get a new one. It was my small 5 cup coffee maker I loved so much. I actually had a 12 cup coffee maker but I had lent it to Darren. He used it every week at his n/a group meeting. He needed a coffee maker,... I had one,.. I wasn't using it,... so I (thought I lent it) but I guess I gave it to him. When my little one broke - he stayed silent and never gave me back the big coffee maker leaving me without any. But out of the blue one of my blog subscribers (I think thats how he knew me it was so long ago now I forget) got in touch and then sent money for me to buy a new coffee maker. I'll never forget this random act of kindness. I don't know his situation but he was kind enough to send me money to buy a new coffee maker. Thats just a nice guy human being. And it is acts like this that remind me that even though in the larger picture my life is bad ~ there are people that care and remind you by helping you out with those little things.

He didn't have to do that. he doesn't even know me. But he did.

You have to feel gratitude in things like that. In a world where I feel invisable most of the time,... this reminds me that I am not. There are people that read this and care. I think thats why I refuse to give this blog up. Not only does it help me dump my frustrations,... it reminds me that there is an outside world I don't know about. And in that world people are kind. Thank you Dan,... (if I got your name wrong it's my memory and I'm sorry) but you restored my faith in humanity that day you reached out. It wasn't so much the coffee maker but that you cared to reach out and I thank you for that.

In my world you have to appreciate and have gratitude for the people that do care.

I shouldn't have looked

I left social media awhile ago. I was finding that my skin wasn't tough enough for the nasty comments I was getting. But every few months I will pop back onto Facebook just to catch up. I don't engage in anything,... I just take a quick peek to catch up.

I know better than to do this. I have accidently come across a post from my daughters boyfriends timeline. Hayley taking my granddaughter out skating. Their father is RICH and they have an ice rink on their large property. A pond covered in ice. And here they all were having a great time skating. My family that doesn't want me were all out on the pond skating. And my granddaughter that I have never met was there.

Of course I didn't want to see that but there it was. I opened all the pictures to see them. And started to cry. 

There is no lonlier feeling in the world than watching your family celebrate without you. 

I am heartbroken and I just plummet back down into depression.

What kind of life is this? 

All I can say is I have given up completely. I just dont' care anymore. 

Infact I hope I have a massive heart attack and die. Let's play Russian Roulette with our health. Will it be a heart attack or a stroke??? Anyone want to take bets????

Lets all go for the heart attack. Gone,.... now nobody has to feel left out from anything becasue I will be gone. Dead. no longer a problem to anyone,....

I hate my life,... I'm so tired,... I just want to be dead 

Why won't someone help me die????? I tried MAiDS,... I tried the legal proper channels,... but no help,... no dignified death there. Just dumped,... so now I need to do it myself.

To get away from Tonya,.... 

To get away from poverty,...

To get away from this relentless pain,...

To get away from being the horrible monster my family don't want,...

I have to get away from it all,...

I just need fentanyl,...

WHY can't someone help me??? 

NOONE CARES that I am struggling but they DO CARE that i end my life.

Your all a bunch of sadists to watch but not help,...

I hate this world and I just need to die 

Welcome to the world of no doctor

Another early morning. Why can't I sleep anymore? But the clock beside me showed it was not even 5 o'clock yet when I woke up. Another cold day. I can feel it. My apartment has large picture windows on the outside wall. Normally I love these windows as they bring in so much light. But when the weather drops here in Canada, like this morning, the windows don't do a lot to keep that frigid air out. I am so glad I bought that new portable heater. The first thing I did was to turn it on. Within minutes a nice warmth flooded the room. I opened the blinds and curtains and sure enough I was greeted with a typical winter day. For the hundredth time that month I silently gave a prayer of thanks that I was standing there with a hot coffee in my hand and was warm and toasty in my apartment. Not everyone has a home and I am well aware of this. For today, I am safe and warm and grateful.

But I'm not feeling that great. Yesterday I was just feeling off. A bit nauseuas,... a bit head-achy,... nothing serious ~ just "off". And this morning I don't feel much better. I take my blood pressure everyday as it is so high. But over the past week it has changed. Not to get into the medical in's and out's of blood pressure reading,... but I know my normal reading which is high (but normal for me).  And It has changed. And today I woke up with a headache again. Nothing bad. Just a low-grade headache. A dull throb. I don't normally suffer from headaches so this is unusual. 

I am also suffering from vision change. Blurry vision. Which isnt' a great sign either. But what to do? I'm not going to seek help. Not after the last nonsense of ems and cops showing up. No,... I think i will just ride it out and see what happens. 

however,... this could be dangerous. What I WANT to happen is for me to have a quick and fatal heart attack. Boom,... gone. But what COULD happen instead is that I could stroke out. And living alone I may not be able to call for help (I may not have the capacity to know I have even had a stroke) and then my life will be far worse than it even is now. I may not get help as noone would even know I had a stroke. I could be here suffering for weeks and noone would even know. Infact the only indication that something is wrong would be I stopped writing in this blog. But other than that noone would even know I had a stroke.

Getting medical attention is too hard anyway. I can call 911 and we all know what happens then??? Or I could call the walk-in tonight when it's open but have no way of getting there. I can't rely on a taxi as the service in our small town is not reliable and could take up to an hour to get a taxi. Not to mention it's just so damn cold out there that once out my fibromyalgia would instantly flare up. It just seems getting medical help is a pain in the ass I would rather just not bother. The risk of mental health and homewood is still too fresh in mind to feel comfortable calling 911 again.

So i guess we wait and see. It could be absolutely nothing. i coudl be getting a garden variety cold,... but if it's not,... I guess we just hope and pray for quick and fatal and not a stroke.

Welcome to the world of no doctor,...

‘F*** off’: Danish official has message for Trump

I have a new hero. Finally,... someone has had the backbone to tell this lunatic he is out of line. I don't usually like to get into politics but sometimes you just can't help it. It's no secret what side of the fence I sit on when it comes to Trump. I think the man is an arragnat entitled bafoon. I don't think he is qualified for his position as President and I feel he is destroying not only the States but he is hurting Canada in the process. I don't think he is intelligent enough to run a country. 

But I digress,....

I ran across this video on YouTube and I could have stood up and and given him an ovation. This man - Anders Vistisen, a Danish member of the European Parliment, told Trump to "F**k off, in response to Trump touting the idea of buying Greenland. It was awesome. It should have brought Trump down a peg or two but his narcistic personality wouldn't allow him to see he was so wrong. Trump isn't even in our reality and this proves it.

All i can say about Trump is,.... well,.... there goes America,... it was nice knowing ya,....

I'm just so tired,...

I think if I had to describe what I feel like right now overall, it would be tired,... running out of steam.

I have OCD. Not all of it is about cleaning but in my case part of it is. I don't obsessively clean like you see in the documentaries where I have to wash something 8 times in a row. I don't have to clean things repetitively. I only have to clean it once ~ but well. And I have to clean everyday. I MUST do dishes,... clean the whole kitchen,... make my bed and tidy the bedroom and vacumm every single day. Then all the other stuff I distribute over time. But it usually adds up to about 1 to 2 hours a day.

Or,... at least it did before the accident. 

Now I still do the same cleaning. But it takes me much longer and I have to do it in installments now. 5 minutes here and then sit down. 10 minutes there and then sit down to get the pain under control. Anything using my hands I have to keep stopping every few minutes from the numbness. But over the course of the day, I eventually get it all done. For one it gives me something to do and passes all the empty hours of my day.

I don't like help in my home. I am an independent person and I like to do things myself. My mom said even as a toddler I demanded to be allowed to do everything myself. I have lived alone now for 25 years and I have still done everything myself. I have owned a home and redecorated the whole thing - myself. I drove all over Ontario on the 400 series highways and it didn't bother me. Travelling alone was comfortable for me. I was independent. I liked to take care of myself. (When I whine on here about needing help I mean I need a DOCTOR ~ not housework)

But ever since the accident I have declined quickly. The force of the hit knocked my fibromyalgia right out of whack and I still can't get it under control. Having no doctor I can't take pain meds so it's been rough. I can never seem to get the pain under control. And dealing with pain causes me blood pressure issues. It spikes when the pain is bad. 

But the biggest thing that has changed for me is my stamina. I used to be a bull. When I worked I could just learn to put my head down and just get it done. As the pain got worse over the years though, I eventaully had to stop working. But I never minded hard work. I actually miss working. Having a job gave me some purpose. I didn't feel like I was wasting my brain watching tv all day. A job gives you dignity. Your useful. So working was never a problem until the pain became too bad.

But over the past few months - maybe since the fall - I have no energy at all. And now,... it's starting to effect me becasue I can't get things done like I used to. I can't cook anymore. I had to give most of that up a few months ago. And cleaning drains me to the point I have to go to bed when i am done now. Everything I do seems to take every ounce of energy I have. It's like i'm on the last journey of a marathon. My legs are rubbery,... my breath sharp in my lungs as I grasp deeply for it with every step. I long to fall down right where I am and just sleep,... I just dont' have any fuel left,...

I'm just so tired,...

Lost in memories

My adoptive Mother, Joan Morgan came from a Dutch family in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My Grandfather had passed away a few years before I was born so I never met him. But my Nana,... Elizabeth VanderGraaf was my favourite person in the whole world. She was born in Holland and was of strict Dutch reform religion. She came from a large family where most of them landed on the praries of Manitoba. Infact her brothers owned a large family farm of agriculture and cows. In the 1980's after the last of the farming brothers passed away,... the province bought the land and now the Henderson highway goes right through it. The three lone farm houses still stood the last visit I had there but now,... in 2025 I am sure they are long gone.

But it was here in Manitoba that I spent many holidays with my Mothers family. We drove there in the summers and spent hours and hours with my cousins Natalie, Sharon, Kerry and Randy. Back in those days of no phones, once we left my Nana's home we explored everywhere. Her home was almost on the Red river and we spent a lot of time exploring the parks and paths. Infact the one thing that I remember so well is the Witch’s Hut in Kildonan Park.

The prairies were much different than Ontario where I grew up. manitoba was flatter and in the winter much colder. We spent many Christmases there as well. We would fly out of Toronto a day or two before Christmas day and spend the holidays with my Moms family. I loved those Christmases. All of my Aunts and Uncles and cousins would get together and just party and have a great time. I can remember flying over Winnipeg in the plane and my father teasing us kids that he hopes that there are no Buffalo on the runway or we won't be able to land. Us kids (or atleast myself) believed him and would worriedly look out the window of the plane scouring the prairie for buffalo. There never were any,... But back in the 1970's we would embark off of the DC8 or DC9mplane directly onto the runway. We would have to brave the winter cold and snow that hit us when we descended down the steps onto the tarmac. In them days you walked to the terminal. Flying was fun back then. Pre 9-11. We would get visits to the cockpit to talk to the pilot of the plane. We got coulouring books and treats. The weather was always frigid in Winnipeg. I remember my Uncles having to plug their cars into block heaters or they wouldn't start the next morning.

Everything about our vacations to Winnipeg were awesome. The picture below is (back row) my two brothers David and Glen. My cousin Kerry (turning away) in my cousin Natalie's arms. I'm in the green with the big ears! And my cousin Sharon in the long black hair and white top. My cousin Randy in the red strips. I actually dont' know who the other 4 kids are (???) too long ago to remember,...

Christmases in Winnipeg in the 1970's

I think this is where I got my love of a big family. We clebrated with parties at every house. Us cousins, although we lived so far apart, were actually very close as we travelled to see them so often. My two cousins, Natalie and Sharon were my best friends.

I will always appreciate these times. My parents were not rich but instead great budget'ers and somehow found the money to allow us these trips. We also did a lot of camping. Three week trips away with not only the five of us but our collie dog Brandy as well. We would camp at Rattlesnake Point, Bon Echo Park, Arrowhead, Algonquin,... Ontario has the most beautiful parks in the world. And my family were campers. We spent a lot of time in our pop-up trailer and dining tent.

I was blessed as a child. We travelled so much. I have been from Quebec all the way to British Columbia. (I never managed the maritimes which I will always regret). In 1972 my parents put us 3 kids and a collie dog in the family station wagon and we drove from ontario to BC in 5 days. I loved that trip and saw so much. Banff ended up being my favourite place. We would drive high up in the mountains. Back then the water running off the mountains was crystal clear and freezing cold. My dad would stop and just put the water jug right under the falls. You couldn't do that now as it would be too polluted. But back then,... things were still so unpopulated and untouched leaving just the raw beauty.

I loved travelling with my family. It is one of the memories I cherish. Now,... in the present, being stuck inside as a recluse, I armchair travel on Youtube. It's not the same but does remind me of beautiful this planet is. And especially Canada. Which I have been blessed to see.

I just want to die now

I don't know what to do. I have been writing in this blog for years. (since 2010) YEARS before I ever moved here and Tonya and Darren found it. I don't communicate well talking. I get flustered and upset in arguments so I just come across as crazy when you get attacked by Tonya. She pokes , and pokes and pokes and you ignore. But she pokes some more until you lose it. THEN she calls the police and housing and I get into trouble. THAT is why I avoid this woman at all costs becasue she knows if she makes these nasty comments I will one day lose it and my Irish temper will come out and then she literally starts shouting "witness,... witness,... shes attacking me" (Yes, that really happend,...) After 8 years the only thing I can do to get this woman off my back is to HIDE. Avoid at all costs so she can't keep poking me with gher nasty comments. She knows if she says the right thing I will blow. AND THAT IS WHAT SHE IS COUNTING ON. Nobody sees her taunting me,... nobody sees her mocking me,.... she is good. She knows how to play this game well. 

I never come out looking well.

So the only weapon I have is to avoid her. 

And this blog is giving her everything she needs to torment me. I am too ashamed to face anyone in this building as I know she has slandered me so bad people think I'm crazy. And it's becasue of this I feel I do not have a future here in this building. She has poisoned it for me. 

But I have no where to go. So i am trapped. My future is hiding inside my apartment unit from "the Karen" and her son. Becasue not only do i have her after me,... but now her son has joined in the game. I don't stand a chance here. 

I want out of this building but that will never happen. 

So back to this blog,....

This blog is my only outlet,... my friend,... my confidant,... and now I feel as if Tonya has completely RUINED this blog for me now. Becasue I write my innermost deepest fears and I am bruatally honest. This makes me vulnerable. Tonya found this blog and has tainted it. She reads my most personal private words ~ laughs at them ~ and then uses them to hurt me by spreading it around. 

I don't feel like I can ever show my face outside my front door ever again. I am too embarrassed. 

So what do I do about this blog? It is how I dump my frustrations every morning. It's where I vent,.... I don't have family or friends. This blog IS my family and friends. Without it I feel empty. I NEED to write. It's my therapy. It's the only thing I've got. 

Tonya has taken it all away. 

Not only has she made living in this building hell. But now she has found this blog and has tainted it too. This woman has instigated herself into ALL aspects of my life. What can I do?????

Do i close this blog for good and let her win? Or do I continue and she uses it against me and I can't show my face outside my own home?

What do you do with gossipy lying Karens????? I have already locked myself away. She intrudes INTO my space. I can't hide any furthur,... I'm as hidden as I can be already. 

This is really effected me. She has CHANGED how I live. I can't fight bullies. They always turn things around and make themselves look like they did nothing wrong. And becasue I'm Irish with a temper - I lose. 

What would you do? Would you continue on allowing this woman to abuse you with your own words or would it be healthier mentally to close down this blog for good?

I literally feel ATTACKED by this woman. And now her son as well. It's never going to get better. 

If there is anyone reading this who can help I would appreciate it. I am at my end. There is no future for me in this builiding. There is not future for me full stop. Poverty,... pain,... debt,.... no family,... no friends,... just lonliness and now being bullied until I die.

If anyone has any empathy at all for me ~ please help me to die. I am unable to leave my unit now and can't get outside now until spring. But I can't wait until spring. I need fentanyl NOW. I need someone to help me get fentanyl. I am begging,... on my knees begging,....

It is CRUEL to force me to continue living in such physical pain. And then to be tormented by a bully so I can't even go outide is no life. PLEASE help me to die,....

I am begging you to please help me to die,....

 Theres never going to be a happy ending for me.

There will never be any fun days anymore,... just empty

theres never going to be money - just poverty

Theres never going to be a docotro just pain

Thers never going to be a family - just lonoliness

Thers never going to be anything for me in this life but red tape and pain andnegativity

I am broken and still "The Karen" reads this Very VULNERABLE PERSONAL Blog and uses it to torment me.

There are no friends - just Tonya = being a nasty piece of work using my blog to hurft me. The one thing iun life I havd left - this blog and she used it against me to the point I can't even leave my apartment

There is no future for me

Just NOTHING

It really is time to do it and do it now 

no fun no money just an invisable poiece of shit that should have never have been born in the the first place

And I have to know that what I have just rwirtten my innermost deepest thoughts will be around the building by dinner time becasue Tonya will laugh at it and tell everyone

i don't even have privacy or dignity

It is time to die

This time Im doing it folks,... I'm just too tired to fight the karen,... fight the system,,,, and still get nowhere

It's just time to die

And the sad part - I don't even feel right now I am so empty and numb and suicidal

It probobly wont' even hurt

I cant even feel anymore

 I give up

I

give 

up

I hate the Ontario Government

The Ontario Government sent me an email letting me know that I had a letter for me to read. So I go into my account and read the letter. It's ODSP wanting their money. 

I actually laughed when I read it. These people - these Happy Shiny middle class people - have no fucking idea what life is like down here. And you have a lot of nerve giving us peanuts that barely allows us to breath and then hound us for debt?????

So let me be crystal clear ODSP. I don't have your money,.... I never will have your money,... so what happens now???? Do you garanshee my CPP so I make LESS tha $900 a month? Do you really think that pressuring people to pay money they don't have,... and never will,... is productive? It makes us suicidal with the presuure,...

Then this letter informed me to call this BRAD guy back - yeah the one who called the police on me? So I called this lady who sent the letter. Of course they never answer their phones. So I left a message telling her their "help" was cops and traumatizing and that I had had enough of their heavy handed approach to help and therefore I will NEVER be seeking help from them or ANYONE in this community ever again. I told them I would rather rot with NO CARE than have cops every time I ask for help.

Not 5 minutes later I got a very cold email. It was worded very carefully for legal purposes so they only want to cover their ass from being sued. It was very cold and to the point - letting me know thats your choice but we do have help if you need it but if you wont reach out we cant give it to you. (They dont have help - they think they do but its not what I need) i need a DOCTOR!!!! not paramedic services once a week which is what they offer me.

So they say their IS help but it's my fault I wont get it. She actually ended the email help is there if you need it. Patronizing,....

I was so angry,.... Well they covered their asses ~ their good so they can move on and say they did their job! By tonight they will have forgotten that I even exist. 

Life moved on and I am again invisable. No reaching out to say we can work with you without homewood,.... nope,... she basically said your choice bitch,... so stay a recluse with no help then your choice. They are making it sound like it's MY FAULT and MY CHOICE.

Blame the poor for being poor,... when you traumatize us with your help you cry "they wont accept help"

It's all bullshit. red tape beuracracy and protect only themselves. They don't want to help. They want to follow the steps they are suppose to follow and if we don't agree then its out fault we won't accept help.

Just another reason to kill myself. You can't win with this society when your mentally ill. Your not a person,... your an illness. And if you wont get mental health help then we cant and WON'T give you physical health care. it's almost like they won't be happy until I am thrown in HOMEWOOD. Why is everyone so obssessed with fucking homewood?????

I feel trapped and bullied by this beuracracy. Just give me a fucking doctor without homewood!!!!! It's not that hard. but nope,... I am only a mentally ill monster and that is all anybody sees. An illness.

just another reason to kill myself. I am NEVER getting a doctor,...

and apparently now it's my own fault

The side of adoption we don't talk about

 Going off topic,... adoption. And in my case,... later adoption.

As I sat here tonight watching my umpteeenth hour of tv,... I was getting unsettled and needed to stretch. I found a new series on Crave called "An update on our Family" i had no idea what it was about and becasue i was going to get up do dishes anyway and just have it on in the background,... I didn't really care what it was about. it was something to have on to cut the silence of being alone. It started out to be about a family that vlogs. I have never been interested in family vloggers. So I wasn't really paying much attention to the first episode. A lovely picture perfect family (arne't they all perfect on social media?) blah,... blah,... blah,...

But towards the end they started talking about adoption. Being adopted myself my ears pricked up a bit. This family was going to fly to China to adopt a little boy - Huxly. I think the actual jist of the episode was about family. But it was starting to shift over to adoption. And what that all entails. It not only had all the paperwork and red tape of adoption,... it also showed a video side to it that hadnt really been done in this detail before. A video record of a little boys first day being adopted into an American Family. Sounds like it should have been all rainbows and unicorns. But what happened having the video there showed a different side to adoption. From the babies point of view. 

This made me stop doing dishes and sit down to watch the second episode.

I was adopted as a toddler. Not as an infant. I was 16 months old when the final adoption was signed. But I think I was 9 months old when I was first introduced to the Morgans and 11 months when I first resided there. Overnights first and eventually to stay forever. of course I don't remember those days,... but this show had me rethinking what those first days must have been like for me when I was first taken away from Diane and Ida and put into a foster home at 9 months.

What must that be like for an infant? In my case I lived in Toronto and was adopted into a family in Bramalea (now renamed Brampton) so it was in the same province. The same country. What must it have been life for an international adoption? This show , although I dont' think it was it's intention,... shows the negative side of a child losing his only home he knows and being TERRIFIED and then removed - put on a plane - and taken to a new country to start a new life. I don't think there has been a lot of video documentation of how this is - realistically - for a baby or child. It must be confusing,... 

In my case being an adoption from Ontario,... I wouldn't have had the culture shock of having to be in a different country. But I did have the shock of a completely different enviroment. I was removed from a chaotic enviroment where I was not always safe. It was a loud home and I was told not alwyas a nice place to be. Then i was rumoved to emergency foster care and put in the system. I was lucky enough to find a family right away. I had my first visit with the Morgans when I was 9 months old. What a different enviroment it was. Stable,... loving,... safe,... although I would imagine the first few days or weeks would have been unsettling. In the end,... it was a great change. So i was lucky. 

But the damage of those first 9 months I have learned later in therapy. I had no idea how important that first year of life is to a baby. If that first year has trauma - your life can be changed drastically. And mine was. Even with the love of my adopted family that I lived with until I was 15 years old,... the hidden trauma of abandonment and attachments were severely compromised. And any therapist will tell you that creates all sorts of issues in adult life. 

Mine have been devastating. I'm not blaming my later adoption on all my problems. That would be silly. But I have been told that most of my "issues" stem from what I lacked in that first year of my life. I can't trust,... I can't get close to anyone,... and apparently that stems from my Mom disappearing and leaving me with strangers for 3 weeks in a "boarding house" (I still to this day don't even know what a boarding hose would be for a baby!) But the jist being my Mom dumped me wherever convenient so she could go party. leave me for days,... weeks,... and so I learned I wasn't wanted and soemtimes they don't come back. 

You would think as an adult you would know intellectually that it wasn't your fault and your Mom had problems, etc,... but in your cell memory you are always fight or flight,... this makes very good sense when you know my personality. 

I have talked about nature vs nurture on here before but never what being adopted as a toddler and not an infant is like. i can say, with some experience,. it is damaging to the child. I think some kids will just soar through it and do well. But I am mentally ill and that effected a lot too.

So really,... I have done the best i can with what I have experienced. 

I know it's a wonderful thing for a baby to find a loving family. but maybe,... in the deepest reseesses of our soul,... maybe we were never menat to be taken out of our real "families". Maybe blood does play a significant role in your heart. Because as much as the Morgans were a Godsend to me,...

I never fully fit in to their family. Not 100%.

But I didn't fit into the Holyoaks either as I was taken away when I was so young. 

So in the end I felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I have no deep family connection with anyone. And thats been a lonely cross I have had to bear for most of my adult life.

Adoption can be wonderful,... but I think babies need to know their roots,... their story. Otherwise you just feel like a loose end someone has taken in,... I can't explain it. I think you have to be an adoptee that wasn't a 100% success story to understand. When i say my story of adoptin was not a success I don't blame the Morgans. I blame different cultures and that real soul connection that wasn't there in the end with the Morgans. When my mother died - she made it clear her sons were her real children and I was the adopted kid. I felt it all my life but knew it when she left me out of the will as her child. i got put in with the grandchildren and got what the gradnchildren all got while my brother got everything. That hurt and not for the money. I could care less about the money. it was being left out and not thought of as the REAL child.

So adoption is a double edged sword. When it works it's beautiful. But when it doens't it can be painful to the child that is never really accepted anywhere,...

https://images.app.goo.gl/1r1Txrtx634dApip6  

 It has happened again but this time it was water off of a ducks back,.... 

I was checking mail in the lobby and coming back up on the elevator and luckily had my camera videotaping. As the elevator doors opened,.... Nick (Tonyas son) was standing there. I held my phone up enough that he would know I was videotaping. I got off the elevator and started walking down the hall to my unit. And he couldn't not do it,... he shouted a nasty comment. When I played it back you can hear him shout something, you just can't make out what.

But this time,... I smiled. Because now I find it humorous. This 20 yr old boy who lives with Mommy in a tiny 2 bdrm apartment in social housing and doesn't work is thinking he is tough because he shouts nasty comments to a woman forty years his senior - who did nothing and said nothing to him. Maybe,.... get a life???? Get a job? Go to school? Now I just see him for who he is. A lost kid going nowhere being looked after by his mommy. Thats not a man,.... He needs to re-evalute his morals. I don't find this kid a threat at all. I am sad for him. His mom has turned him into a little bitch. I just hide,... but someday,... someone bigger than me is going to talk back or worse. Right now this kid picks on old ladies (yup - I am an old lady - 61!) and he thinks he is being tough. 

Nick,... why don't you try mouthing off to someone your own age and size? Then maybe you might get whats coming to you. Because picking on old ladies makes you look like the low-life you are. Only people who feel inadequate about themselves behave in the way you do. Not real men. Just because your Mom thinks its ok - doesn't make it alright. Go pick on someone your own age and size next time little boy. Because you just make me shake my head and wonder when I see you now. I know exactly where you'll end up in life. Living with mommy and her taking care of you,.... 

This not letting it get to you is awesome,... I am Elso ~ Letting it go,....

The Karen is no longer a problem

When I woke up early this morning my laptop homescreen told me it was (minus) -25*c outside. I knew it was cold out. I could feel the chill in the air as I hurried to find my slippers and housecoat. When I opened the curtains you could see the cold. There was a thick layer of frost over everything. And the cars left a puff of white trails behind them. It just looked like a freezer out there.

So I just want to write how grateful I am to have a home. To have heat. To not be homeless out in that cold.

But,... it has also reminded me that I will be homeless when my insurance payments stop next spring. And I will be left with no way to pay rent. So this cold has reminded me to be grateful for today,... but I panic because I know homelessness is coming. And then I will be outisde in this weather.

And as you know from reading this blog I will never allow that to happen. I will be jumping into the Elora Gorge before I ever spend one more night homeless. And that is why I am so terrified.

So you really feel for the homeless in weather like today. Where do they go? I cannot imagine trying to stay warm outside when it's minus twentyfive degrees celcius. You would die. You would freeze to death the minute you fell asleep. I hope everyone got into shelters last night. 

As for me,... I feel much calmer this morning than I did last night after yet another unfortunate run in with Tonya. I am just going to rise above - ignore - and move on. Thats all I can do. if she continues then thats on her. I want no part of her or her games. So i woke up this morning feeling like I had put her behind me. I have consciously told myself she does not exist and she cannot hurt you. Then I actually smiled. Tonya Halls is not worth the aggro. Ignore,... ignore,... ignore,..... THAT will bother her more than anything becasue it's drama shes looking for. if I ignore like I have been doing then she gets no drama. NOW I just smile - I know exactly what shes up to which is poking me for my IRISH reaction knowing I will finally lose it eventually and then she can call the police and I get in trouble. It's a classic instigate,.... but it's not going to happen. When she pokes,... I just laugh inside and ignore and walk away. No more drama here Karen (I mean Tonya) becasue I jsut don't give a fuck anymore. 

It feels quite good to have come to this place. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I had to make a conscious decision to stop allowing her inside my head. And now shes gone. 

I like the word ignore. I like the word avoid. I like the word hide. Becasue all these words protect me from that woman. 

Do your worst now Tonya becasue now,.... you don't exist to me.

My ears are deaf,... my eyes are blind when you are around. You no longer exist to me.

And for once I actually feel good this morning. I feel like I have resolved a very long issue and the stress of that is gone.

The punishment is I can't leave my unit anymore,... but that is well worth it to me never to see that bully Karen ever again.

 

I know,... I know,... i just wrote. But I am calm now and I have had time to think. And this is what I have come up with. I can't let people like Tonya Halls get under my skin. They aren't worth my time.  

I don't know what has gone wrong in HER life that she has become someone who not only kicks people when their down but has her own son doing the same thing right by her side. 

Anyone reading my blog can see I am clearly broken ~ on my knees ~  struggling. At my wits end ~ want to end my life ~ broken. And to know that a lot of it has been brought on by the car accident where her friend was the driver who knocked me over and caused all the pain and numbness in my arm and hands. For her to read how broken I am and STILL keep reading my blog and use it to MOCK ME ~ is pretty low.

As I have mentioned before I grew up in a Christian home where we reach out and HELP those that are in need. I wasn't taught to stalk the internet to find any social media you can like my blog to get as much information as you can to use to hurt me. I honestly have to ask why? I don't understand this thing where you can see people hurting but you go up to them and figuratively kick them in the teeth while they are down? I don't understand how this is pleasurable for someone.And then to include your son in this and teach him to do the same??? Your teaching him to hate,... your teaching him to be nasty. Your 20 odd year old son mocked a 61 yr old grandmother who had been hit by a car and is really struggling. And you taught your son to mock me. 

I think this says far more about YOU then it does about anyone else. 

You are really hurting me. You not only don't care but you think it's fun. The more I hurt - the more you laugh and do it again. What are you lacking in your life that you need to hurt people???? Why do you need to talk about people? Why do you need to instigate? 

You have this constant need for attention. But you don't care if it's negative. 

I want you to serioulsy sit down and ask yourself,... why are you being so nasty to me?????? Why can't you just leave me alone?

I would be ashamed if i said what you said to a 61 yr old woman recovering from a car accident and really struggling. And to say it infront of my child?? bad parenting. To encourage that behaviour from him is sad,

Infact I don't hate you anymore Tonya. Infact,... I feel really sad for you. You must have something really broken and wrong in your life that you need to hurt people. 

STOP reading this blog. You are not my friend. And this blog is about my deep and personal battle with mental illness and the hardships of my life. It does not concern you. I write it for others suffering with mental illness. And i don't mind being vulnerable if it helps someone else with this horrible illness. 

But for you to to take someones deep and extremely personal thoughts and use them to mock them out loud infront of everyone makes me see you as sad. 

Maybe you need God in your life. Or a man,... or something. I don't know. but you need to take a good long look at yourself and ask why you need to be so hurtful.

I am offically brushing my hands of you,....

You no longer exist to me,... I no longer hear you or care,....

as it comes from someone who is deeply sad and troubled.

And thats an opinion I don't care about.

So do your worst Tonya - it is only showing you up for who you really are.

It has happened again!

I just can't get rid of this woman down the hall. I can't escape her. I went down to the garbage room nearly got bit by her dog. She has a doorbell camera so she knows when I am out in the hall. Why does she come out when she KNOWS I am out taking my garbage out?? We don't get along,... we are not friends,... why not just stay in your unit until I am back inside of mine. That we we avoid and we are both happy. But NO,... her son came out with their dog to paly hockey in the hall. As i was coming past the dog came running up to me and started nipping my ankles and feet. They obviously have had no training for this new dog as he couldnt' control it. I had to say "get your dog off of me" twice. Before he came and got this little dog. Then the nasty comments form BOTH him and Tonya started. She came running out and luckily I was already video taping and caught it all. First her son yelled "Herankles are going to be so numb now,..." and she yelled "Just like her fucking hands are SUPPOSE TO BE NUMB". and then she called me a fucking cunt.  Both of those comments were mocking me for the numb arm I have that HER FRIEND caused by running me over,.... I have no words for how low that is,....

BINGO - that could only be known if she is STILL reading my blog. (about my hands being numb) because NOONE knows about my hands. Not even my family. JUST in my blog. Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?????

She is just so nasty! Why??? Why come out in the hall? Why instigate with nasty commenbts? Just pick yup your dog and go inside and say nothing - then we will both be happy. but no,... your nasty mouth has to say something nasty.

So i obviously she is following my blog still and giving the woman who hit me with her car information. What a cunt.

I'm sorry but I can't llive here anymore. i come out once a fucking month and I sitll get accousted by this woman. It's not right. she needs to take that nose of heres and stop reading this bllog and stop instigating drama. 

THIS is the last fucking straw. I cant live here anymore.

Tonya fucking Halls - you are a nasty piece of work that has ruined me living here. you can't keep yuour nose out af my business. 

WHY AM I SO INTERESTING TO YOU AND WHY CANT YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT ME? Are you obseesed? Jealous? whjat??? cause you have made my life a living fucking hell for the past 8 years.

I have had enough. Enough of poverty and pain and Tonya Fucking Halls,...

I just need to finally get the fucking courage to end my life and get the fuck  out of this building and away from this woman.

I need to DIE to find relief,.... what does that tell you????
Shes a bully and I've had enough,...

Now i jsut need to fucking die

Tired of the red tape of life

 

When I was a kid I used to run home from primary school each lunch hour to watch The Flinstones while my Mom let me eat my lunch infront of the tv. It was the one and only time I was allowed to eat infront of the tv. In this cartoon their is a family named the Gruesomes. Thiw family has a dark rain cloud that follows them whereever they go. It causes dark times and bad luck for this family.

I feel like I am a Gruesome and I have a dark cloud that sits above my head and causes me bad luck.

I have not been outside since September. I can't get a walker through all the snow not to mention it's just been too cold for  my FM. But because of this, I have not beeen inside a store in 5 months. It's NOT IDEAL. So I have to rely on Amazon for delivery of stuff I need that isn't groceries. I order a lot. Living in this social housing building has caused me problems with deliveries though. I was getting packages stolen a lot. So i bought a doorbell camera to stop this. And it worked with theft. But it doens't help bad delivery drivers. Twice in the past two weeks I have tracked my delivery only to see it as "delivered". I open my door - no package. I look to see instrucitons on what the driver did as they usually write "left with home owner" or they take a pic of it infront of your door but none of this happened. It just wasn't there. It says it was delivered at 4:58 am. I was actually awake at that time so I know they didn't try and buzz up. So I called Amazon. It took 7 phone calls and over an hour to get a refund. They say the driver "handed it to the client" bullshit. I don't know who he handed it to but it wasn't me. And at 5 o'clock in the morning I'm sure NOONE was in my lobby to hand it too. So I think the delivery guy is full of shit. Makes me wonder if he even stopped at my building. 

I rely on delivery for EVERYTHING. On December 24th I went through this exact same thing with another package. It has happened numerous times. So now I am afraid to order anything else. i don't want to have to spend 7 phone calls and hour of my time looking for lost packages. 

I want to go to the store myself,... I don't want to have to rely on Amazon and lousy delivery drivers who out and out lie becasue they are too lazy to read instructions that I left stating pkg will get stolen if not handed to me in unit 311. I don't know how much clearer than that I can be. yet time and time again they just throw them in the lobby and run. 

I just want  a normal life. I want to be able to go where I want. To shop in a store in person,... but i cna't get to one. i am trapped inside my unit atleast until spring when the weather gets warmer. My FM can't handle the cold in the winter so I don't go out anymore. 

Why is everything a hassle? Why do I have this Gruesome dark cloud hanging over my head? I just want to be normal,... and live a normal life,... 

But instead I am mentally ill and invisable and unwanted so I am stuck in this hell hole apartment being forced to use Amazon and then having to do the red tape when the order doens't show up. It happens about once a month. Too many times for me to want to order from them again. 

So what do I do? I don't have a doctor,... I don't have a car,... and now I don't have means to supplies unless I risk Amazon. 

I feel like this world hates me. I know I am a mentally ill monster but honeslty I feel like life works against me and is purposely making it hard for me. I am tired. i'm tired of struggling. I just want easy,... but theres no easy in my life.

And THIS is why I am so suicidal. Nothing is positive,... nothing is easy,... infact life is pretty fucking hard.

Why???????? Why am I so fucking invisable?