I definitely feel depressed today. I awoke to a snow storm that we knew was coming. But it's always a breathtaking sight to open your curtains and see that winter wonderland. There aren't many cars or people about. And the fresh blanket of snow has put a damper on the noise. It's so quiet. But because it is overcast with no sun, my aprtment feels so dark and oppresive. The overwhelming beige of it all along with the low light gives the whole unit a mood of depression. And I am feeling every bit of it. I am just so depressed.
I still try though. I get up and do my routine of cleaning. I do go through the motions. Fake it till you make it,... but I just feel so empty. My OCD makes me clean for atleast an hour every day. So my apartment ~ although it shows my poverty ~ is always clean. It may look Grey Gardens,... but it is atleast clean. But not even having a clean apartment can bring me out of this black fog I am feeling. The thought of the approaching holidays has just left me sad. I really,... really don't want to be on this planet on December 25th. But it's that "too scared to end my life - but too poor to live it" so I end up in this limbo of emptiness. It's not a nice life at all,...
It's only 3:00 and I have done everything I need to do for the day. So I sit here ~ in total depression ~ just staring at the tv. I am bored out of my mind. I just cant bear the tedious boredom of NOTHING TO DO. So again I sit here,... trying to talk myself into just "doing it already". Honestly,... if I could only find the courage to end my life,... all of this pain will go away INSTANTLY. I cannot even remember that last time I was happy and content.
I just have such a meaningless life. It's so,... so very sad,....
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