And so it begins,... the ramming of Christmas down everyones throat. I can't watch tv without all the buy, buy, buy,... Christmas craziness. I try very hard to avoid anything Christmas but it is impossible. Every streaming site is recommending all the holiday programming,... which is then interupted with Christmas ads,... It's absolutely everywhere.

I don't think I can manage another holiday alone. I just can't sit there alone - knowing my family is altogher celebrating. And the whole event will revolve around one precious little girl. My granddaughter. It will be her first Christmas where she understands everything that is going on. She will know who Santa is and will be all excited now. My daughter will be enjoying all the preperations. Wrapping her gifts,.. eagerly awaiting the morning when she gets to sit infront of their tree and open those colourful boxes with bows. I can almost picture her face,... glowing with the excitement of it all. I can see her parents proud faces beaming as her little hands tear at the paper. Enjoying her smile as she sees a shiny new toy in the chaos of all the wrapping. I know how it will be because I spent 12 Christmases with my own girls. Twelve precious Christmas. But they all stopped when they were taken away from me,....

So now,... I spend the holidays without them. And I think if I just didn't have any family it wouldn't be so hard. But it's the knowing that everyone who you ever loved is altogher sharing memories without you. And your not there because noone wants you there. THAT is what stings the most,... it's not because the weather is bad and noone can travel to pick you up,... or that you don't have anyone,... it's a blatant slap in the face. 

You used to be part of this family ~ but now you are not. And noone wants you here.

THAT is such a bitter pill to swallow. The knowing that you are not wanted anywhere. Even when Hayley and I were on good terms she admitted that she will ALWAYS spend the holidays with her neice - my granddaughter - with the family. And I will never be invited. So instead I have to sit at home knowing this. 

I try every year to salvage something on that day. The English Premier league schedules games that day so I try to concentrate on that. Although as I said in an earlier post,... I've even lost my passion for this. So this year I will probobly just sit and cry most of the day.  I already watch tv 23/7 and I feel like I have watched every show ever made 20 times!!! I am bored to death of watching tv. But that is all there is to do. And you can bet that on Christmas day I won't be able to hide from the festivities around the world. It will be everywhere I turn. The TV,... the internet,... everywhere.

It's a fucking hard BRUTAL day. And last year I had a meltdown I don't even want to begin remembering. It seems that no matter how hard I try to avoid it ~ Christmas is rammed down my throat. And this year,... I just don't have it in me to do again. I just can't sit there KNOWING the rest of the world is celebrating with loved ones. Enjoying their families. Making beautiful memories,... I just can't bear to do it one more year. 

PLEASE don't make me do it one more year,.....