There comes a time in ones pain that they have to ask themselves,...

Why was I born? Why am I here? Nobody seems to have ever really WANTED me in their life. Infact every realtionship I have had I have been left. My own birth parents right down to my children. 

I won't go into examples because there are oo many and they are too painful to remember. 

But the concesus is that once people know what I'm like (???) they leave.

My own birth parents didn't want me. I was never planned or wanted. So I think for the remainder of my life I never really had a place that I fit into. 

So all my life I have been having this happen but not seeing,... NOW I see,... people don't want me in their lives. I'm not sure what it is that I do but I am mentally ill so maybe they can all see but I can't. (?) I don't know the whys,... I just know the result. And the result is that I have NEVER really had a place in life with anyone. Aside from my 15 years of my childhood with the morgans,... I spent the rest of my life "trying to be wanted"

My ex didn't want me. Infact I was only good enough to be an INCUBATOR for my children. Once I wasn't useful to him anymore,... he took my kids, moved in with another woman and they lived happily ever after with MY kids. I was only good enought to be an incubator for them. I wasn't good enought o be allowed to be their Mom. That role was STOLEN from me and given to Larraine my ex's new wife.

I was thrown away as mentally ill and I never got my children back. If this doesn't say your hated unwanted piece of shit that doens't deserve I don't know what does. But this was the beginning of everyone throwing me away because I was mentally ill.

Do you know what this does on a persons psychy. Always feeling like your not wanted,... always feeling excluded,.... always feeling inferiour to everyone else??

I have been thrown away by more people than I care to count. To the point where no one is left.

So I have found some rope and I have sat and thought this through. 

If I stay alive I will be alone. If anyone wanted me ~ they would be here right now rescuing me ~ but it is *** crickets *** The people who I want to help - don't even care to read this blog or to check up on how I'm doing. They are quite happy just walking away and leaving me to my own devices. ALL of my family and friends think I am too mentally ill and therefore a huge BURDEN. 

And i have felt this all my life. You don't have proof. It's a feeling. But I know every single person in my life ~ IF THEY ARE HONEST ~ will admit to not wanting me. I am too much of a burden and their lives don't need me in it.

I have felt this from the day I was born. From my own parents to my own children I am a joke.

So today is the day. I sat up in absolute despair all night. But i have found what I need. ROPE. And now I know what I need to do. I have researched how to do this so I fingers crossed I won't screw it up. Because screwing up means I survive and end up in being punished in HOMEWOOD. So I get one shot at this. 

One shot,.....

So I thank you all if you actually cared about me. I'm sorry that it's only the good people who read this blog (outside of Darren and Tpnya) but althoughsympathetic to my story,... my readers didn't have the resources to help me. So they sat by and read my despair and I'm sure felt helpless. And to them,... thank you. You are the ONLY poeple on this planet who even realize I exist ~ let alone care enought to read my blog. But unfortunately it's not these nice folks I need to read this,... it's my family. But they won't. Because i am too much of a burden and they need to self care.

So they now have no right to say they tried. Because they DIDN'T try. Instead they told me I was too difficult and then turned their heads away and moved on. Leaving me with nothing but feeling rejected and unloved.

I guess some people are just never meant to be happy. I know I wasn't. I spent years just trying to fit in. But in the end,... I was just too different and noone wanted me.

I can't go on knowing I meant so little to this life that noone even realizes I am suffering.

I did try,.... I really did. But if your not liked,... your not liked,.... and nothing is going to change that. And it means you will always be alone.

I have had enough of being alone in pain and struggling in poverty. It just leaves me feeling unwanted.

I am beyond worrying about pain now when I end my life. I am in so much pain right now it far outweighs any pain I will suffer through the act of ending my life. I was always so afraid of that pain. But now,... I am numb. I am enpty,... I probobly won't even feel it.

A person knows when their life is over. And mine was over 25 years ago. My heart just forgot to stop beating at that time. Now it's time to force my heart to stop beating so I can have a break from this life.

I cna't bear one more day of this life.

So this is my last entry as hopefully I will be dead by the end of the day.

Thank you to my readers,...

Fuck you to my family,....

Good bye