Day light savings time. I woke up early only to find the clocks fall back last night so I have an extra hour adaded on to my day. I already can't find enough to do to keep me occupied,... *** sigh ***
It's Sunday - and my team plays today. Manchester United play Chelsea in an hour. So I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube videos. Like I do every morning. Boring,... boring,... boring,... but there just isn't anything else to do.
My body has failed me. Usually this time of year I would be out hiking. Fall is my favourite time of year and I love going to the trails and just spending time out in nature. But with no car,... I can't get to the trails anymore. And even if I could,... I couldnt navigate them with a walker. My stupid body has failed me so I can't hike anymore. One of my free passtimes,... gone. I can't afford anything else and I have no car to get there even if I could. I am trapped here inside my apartment and it SUCKS! I can't tell you what it's like to sit in a chair day after day starring at a tv that is airing shows you have seen over and over again. It's mind numbing and it is starting to takes it's toll. I am worried as usually the summer isn't bad as I can at least get out to the gazebo. But now that I am not going out anymore,... I am secluded away inside. A recluse. That is what I have turned into ~ a recluse. No one ever visits,... noone ever calls,... noone even cares if I exist at all,...
As i sit here drinking my coffee, I look around. My apartment is a mess right now. Becasue I took everything down off of the walls and packed it all away (or threw out) the place looks bare. On top of that I have been collecting boxes from every dleivery I have gotten over the past few years. Why? In the hopes of moving. As you know I can't stand living here anymore. The gossip has become toxic and has sent me underground. I just don't feel welcome here and instead feel preyed on by Tonya Halls and Darren Green. But I can't do this anymore. It looks like I am in the process of either moving in or moving out. There are boxes piled up high everywhere.
I really do hate it here ~ and would rather die than live here
So I sit here now in complete desperation. Becasue right now I am stuck. I have to make a decision about what I want to do. It's become clear that there is nowhere else to go. THIS is the bottom and there is nowhere else I am ever going to find at this rent. So it is clear I am well and truly STUCK here whether I like it or not. But I just can't seem to get myself to unpack and put this apartment back together again. My heart just isn't in it because I don't want to be here. IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME HERE. I feel unwanted and attacked. Leaving me hiding away. Thats not a life. So I really do not want to live here anymore. But the only escape I have is DEATH.
So I am constantly on the fence about whether to stay here and suffer in this beige box which feels like a prison rather than a home? Or to end my life and finally get relief from this hell hole. And every morning I sit here - my anxiety way too high - trying to convince myself to stay. But every day I have fewer and fewer reasons to tell myself to stay.
Today I have no reasons to stay. My apartment is not a home. It is shelter. And that is all. My life is not my own,... my government owns me and tells me how much I am worth ~ which isn't much. So today I sit here,... completely depressed trying to find a reason to stay,...
But there isn't one,... there is no reason to live and every reason to leave,...
I just don't have it in me to try and find something to do for 16 to 18 hours a day when there is nothing to do,... no money or car,... my body broken,... I have been left to fend for myself and I just can't anymore.
I am too tired and more to the point ~ I just don't want to anymore.
All my reasons for staying,... are now gone.
So today I sit here trying to decide. Fix up my apartment by getting it all out of storage or slit my throat with a scalpel??????
And I just don't feel like fixing my apartment as I just don't care anymore what it looks like. It's just a coffin waiting for me to die in,... so maybe I just need to hurry that process along,....
What a waste of a life ~ all because I am mentally ill and therefore an unwanted monster!!!!!!!
Please let me find the courage today to end my life.
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