Yesterday I went into crisis,... and today I am not in a good way at all.

It is clearly apparent that the only thing available to me is to throw me into a mental hospital.

I have my phone shut off and it is sitting on the bottom of my purse. I don't want it anymore. Yesterday the internet went out. I wasn't sure it it was just my tv or the internet so I dyg out my phone and turned it on. It blew up with all the messges. Not good messaages. Only one from a friend. The rest all GARBAGE. scammers,... and people looking for money out of me. But out of the 56 messages - only one was personal. It proved I have noone in my life,.... the only people who ever contact me are scammers looking to scam me. ALL 55 messages were from scammers,...

the 56th was from Becky. She had apparently been trying to reach me. I didn't get her text. Anyway,... because I didn't text her back, she has been worried. So she asked her friend M******e (who lives here in the building) to knock on my door and check on me. 

First of all I have to point out that Mi*****e is probobly one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Not a mean bone in her body. I don't know her well but we have always exchanged pleasantries when we bumped into each other. So really she is just a very nice acquaintance. But the check up did not go well. I was in a very depressed state. I was sitting in the dark watching tv. So it was a shock to have anyone knocking on my door. I was pleased to see it was M******e but I knew instantly why she was there. I KNOW she is concerned,... I KNOW she only cares,... but you have to understand that I am not in a good way at all right now. So I ended up losing it. I got very upset (not at her - at the situation) but I felt like I was shouting AT HER not TO her,... so after 5 minutes I told her I was too upset and to just leave please. Which she did.

But in the end,... there is nothing that M*******e can do to help me either so all I was doing was 'dragging her into my mess' and I don't want that. i don't even want Becky involved in my mess. There is absolutely nothing they can do to help me so it just leaves them feeling helpless.

And I'm too far gone now anyway. After she left,... I was so upset I had a meltdown. I threw dishes breaking them. I trashed my apartment in shear frustration of being left to rot. The ones who care and show up - can't help. The ones who can - don't show up.

I wan my FAMILY!!!!!!!!!! I came this-close to killing myself. I had the scalpel in my hand ready to go,... I dont' know why I didn't do it. I wnated to,... I NEED to,... but in the end I just coudlnt do it. So i sank down to the floor - scalpel in hand - knowing that was the last chance. If you couldn't do it in that much anger - you cant do it. You need fentanyl instead. 

I am in crisis. Absolute spirralling can't go on - totally despondant - crisis. But it is blatantly obviou that the only help that is available to me is 

a fucking mental institution. THAT is all society can offer me. Throwing me into a mental hospital.

So my life is in total crisis right now. If I want help - I have to go into hospital. Thats all I'm good for.

The mentally ill moster. No your not worth enough money to get by,... but we CAN throw you into a psychiatric hospital and tell you your crazy. Your not poor,... your not in pain,... your crazy. And until you adimit that you get no help.

So today I decdied that scared to death or not DEATH is still the answer. There is nothing left for me on this planet anymore. Yesterday showed I have nothing left to give but anger and despression. There is nothing left for me in this life but sit in a box and be a worthless piece of shit.

Hospital or death? I hate this fucking society. Why can't they just give me enough money to have a life,... but NOOOOOOOOOOO,.... instead I'm a worthless piece of shit that deserves NOTHING and NEEDS TRO DIE>

Yesterday proved the only answer is FENTANYLY and I will not stop now until I get it = take it and I'm fianlly fianlly DEAD.

I hate you society for leaving me in this situaltion. I have been thrown away to rot. But I won't do that. I have done it for the past few years and it has killed me inside and left me INVISABLE to the world. 

You don't see me world????? Well yo really not going to see me after today,....

I can't take anymore. Last night proved that. I have trashed my apartment anyway.

There is nothing left but a hollow body that is numb and useless to this world.

I JUST NEED TO DIE NOW

DIE

DIE 
DIE

Today I am going to fianlly die!!!!!!!!!!