A reflection over my life

As I sit here contemplating the end, I think it's natural to look back at your life. I am 61. That is a lot of years to breath. Especially if they were hard years. I divide my life into two catagories. My good years,... and the years I struggled. My struggle began the year my marriage ended ~ 2000. And since then I have done nothing but try and find some kind of footing on life. But I never did. Instead I floundered here and there trying to eack out a life somewhere. But times were hard. There wasn't much time for enjoyment after the school and work just to pay rent.

But I managed well enough until I had to go on ODSP. Thats when the actual poverty kicked in. And if that was the beginning of the end then the day I had to give up my car was the final nail in the coffin. THAT left me pinned down. I am NOT a personality that can spend there days watching tv in a comfy chair. That is just not me and that is exactly what happened.

Add in that fact ~ you brutally learn that you have never been liked ~ just tolerated ~ and it pretty much does you in. And that is where I am now. Empty and eager to just have it all end.

And that leaves me sitting here reflecting,... it's not a happy reflection. I don't have memories of grandbabies bouncing on my knee in a wonderful Christmas Postcard. I don't have memories of much family at all except in my childhood. After I became an adult I was painfully aware that I was different. I don't think I quite realized just how disliked I was. I thought of myself as maybe,... quirky. People knew I was a tad off,... but harmless. A taste you had to acquire,... It wasn't until this past month that I was brutally forced to see that people didn't see me as 'quirky'. They saw me as someone they HAD to have in their life. obligation. I was their daughter,... or sister,... or Mother,... And I have to admit,... maybe only seeing in my reflections that I felt that. I felt everyone kind of kept me at arms length. And having that feeling throughout your life does take away something. Confidence? The feeling of being 100% accepted and loved? I don't know,... but I was missing something.

And upon all of this reflection I have come to the conclusion that if I could go back and do it all over again ~ but with the wisdom of who I really am ~ I would have worked hard in school. I would have worked hard to make enough money to buy a small cabin up north somewhere in Ontario ~ or maybe BC where my birth parents ended up and loved so much. I would have had a couple dogs,.. a cat,... as animals seemed to be the only souls i could ever connect with fully. But I never would have married. And I especially never would have had children. not because I think my children are bad,... but because if I had never had them,... I never would have hurt them.

So in the end I wish I had just started my life of seclusion as early as I could. And with no marriage or offspring would bring no guilt of ever hurting anyone. Atleast my solitude would be in nature. In the beauty of our planet. A small parcel of land with a small cabin. On a piece of waterfront. I would have learned to live off-grid and self-sufficient. My birth mother Diane Holyoak did just that! Lived in a trailer way up in the mountains of British Columbia. With her version of off-grid living with her beloved animals. Maybe I should have stayed with her and followed her there,.. 

But we can't change the past. So I only wish that I had just gone away to my reclusive cabin up in the mountains and then nobody would have ever had to be in my life. No one would have gotten hurt by me. 

I should have been a recluse from the beginning

So I can see looking back that my path was broken and instead of a plan - I just floundered through life. Never being fully accepted by anyone. A gypsy. A nomad,... but definitely a lone soul. I like other people,... they just have a hard time liking me. Thats a hard pill to swallow. Quite humbling. And it just leaves me sad I was ever born,...

My very first day with the Morgans after being adopted. 
1965

Happy,... happy times

I loved my job as a medical assistant

2020

I am not even putting in a rescent picture of me. As I have changed drastically. And not for the better. So I leave you with my last picture when I was happy. 2020