I just want to be dead now

I was up early this morning. Just after 5,... Sleep isn't something I get a lot of anymore. I think it's not only due to stress and anxiety, but also down to not doing anything during the day physically which contributes to it as well. You need to tire your body out during the day. Expend the energy. But all I do is sit and watch tv or clean. I used to be a very active person. I enjoyed hiking and going for long walks. I was always outside. But when you don't have disposable income, you have to do things that are free. And of course walking and hiking are. But now my body won't cooperate so that last pleasure has been taken away. Now I have nothing. Which is slowly driving me into madness. Boredom and isloation can literally break you.

I am a 'putter'er'. I just can't sit and do nothing. I have to be doing something while I watch tv. But over the years, poverty has taken away all of my passions. I used to spend hours and hours doing ancesty research. I would be so engrossed in it, I would forget to eat. I would look up and realize I have been working for over 6 hours without a break. Thats how much I loved it. But it is a very expensive hobby. To get all of the records you need, you have to be a member of not only one but 3 or 4 ancesty websites. For some reason,... some records were given to some sights and some records were given to other websites. WHY can't they just have all records on all sites??? It has to do with money I'm sure but in the end it leaves us researchers paying thousands of dollars annually just to do this hobby. For example Ancestry alone is $230 a year. Now ad on the other 2 sites and it has become unattainable. So yet another hobby has been taken away because of cost. 

The other passion I have is football. (soccer to you North Americans). But the cost of the streaming sites has gotten so dear I have had to give up. For YEARS I have watched football every weekend morning. YEARS!!!! It is my one passion that drives me. All I wear is Toronto FC or Manchester United clothes. I would eat, sleep and breath football. But Fubo is $25 a month and that is just for one league. (Premier League). In order to watch the MLS I have to take out an Apple One subscription (that I DON'T need and never use) at $25.93 a month. But ON TOP of that,... I have to pay $129 a year for the MLS app inside of the Apple app. just to watch my Toronto FC. So GREED has priced me right out of my favourite thing in the world ~ FOOTBALL. I can no longer afford anything that I used to enjoy. And it is THIS that has left me feeling like I have no life at all anymore.

This morning I have been cutting and blanching and freezing potatoes. I have been researching how to make food last a long time. And it seems that freezing is going to be my answer. So with the potatoes I had bought in my last shopping, I took them all and froze them. Put them all in individual sized freezer bags so that all I have to do is pull one out and I have potatoes with my chicken now. Tomorrow I will do the carrots. Living on so little you have to do everything you can to stretch that penny.

I don't use the food bank. So I need every food item I buy to last and not go bad. 

But again, just like yesterday when I was doing the hardware for the curtains,... I couldn't help wondering why I was bothering. The way life has been going downhill lately, I really don't want to be alive anymore. And knowing that I will take the first painless opportunity I can to end my life,... the question is how long will that be? And in the meantime I still have to eat and try to live. So I continue to behave as if I will be here for a long time,... becasue I have to. But in my mind,... I am hoping against all hope I won't even be here for the twins birthday or death dates. In my heart,... I only want to be dead. To leave the struggle behind so I can finally rest.

But before that can happen,... I still have to go through the motions. I hate life now. It is HARD WORK. So until I can find that elusive fentanyl,... i guess I have to struggle on. I don't want to. I am being FORCED to. 

I turned off my phone a few days ago. I am still sequestered away in isolation. I don't talk to anyone anymore and never plan to again. I don't go on any social media anymore. It is just toxic to me. So now I have ONE window to the outside world and it is only one way. This blog. I write,... I close it up and THAT is all I have to communicate to the world now.

I am so beaten down I dont' want to get better. I don't want to see anyone as I am a pathetic mess right now. better to hide that than involve loved ones. Not that I have any anyway,... but I just feel this need to cocoon. To stay away from the rest of the world. The world has not been kind and I just can't tolerate it anymore. So instead I hide like a coward. I would rather be alone and lonely than HURT.

I don't even know why I have a phone actually. The only people who contact me are Housing, ODSP, and scammers. Infact shutting it off has been a relief. No drama. If something is that important and someone needs to contact me ~ everyone knows where I live. But no one comes. I have been offering people to come and visit me but no one ever does. I can't blame them really. My place is small and really depressing. If I can't stand living here,... I can see why otheres wouldn't want to visit. It's a depressing hell hole here. 

Just last night we had another kick off. A guy on the first floor having a drunken rage. He was outside shouting and raging about something. I just got up and shut my balcony door. Yet another reason i hate living here. The drunks,... the addicts,... the mentally ill. It's a cesspool of personalities I could do without.  Drama thrives in this building.

There is only one thing that would save me or make me change my mind. And that is to get the hell out of this building. THAT is the one and only thing that will stop me from ending my life. But that is never going to happen. I have been looking for a new place for a year now and have come to realize that I don't even have HALF the money I need to get a new place. I pay just uner $600 here for rent. Something I am VERY GRATEFUL FOR. Despite all my complaining about poverty,... I am grateful for the stuff I DO have. And the one thing I am the MOST grateful for is my rent break allowing me to only pay $600. (But I lose this benefit next year and due to receiving my insurance payments making my income higher which in turn makes all my benefits LOWER as they think I made too much money for the tax break. So next year I will be paying full market value of over $1000. I cannot almost do this so I am fucked. I have been priced right out of a place to live. So the future is quite daunting for me to the  point I can't be bothered. I just sink lower and lower into poverty each year. I am now at my breaking point.

I would rather die than live this life.

And die I will the moment I have my opportunity. 

Some people just don't have a good life and I am one of those people. So I think it's time to just throw in the towel and give up. 

I just want to be dead now.