No one takes me seriously

I can't believe how invisable I am

I know people are reading this blog. I am writing about how much PAIN I am in. So much so that I am suicidal and want to end my life.

yet,... *** crickets *** 

I can just picture people reading this,... opening it everyday just to see if I "did it" or not. I'm sure they roll their eyes and laugh when they see I am still a coward who hasn't done it yet. I can almost hear them,... "Just do it already lady,... we're sick of hearing about it!"

I can't help feeling like I am just entertainment to the world,... an interesting little side to follow over breakfast everyday. What must they think of me? A loser,... a horrible useless piece of shit who can't even slice her throat. I mean the small amount of pain I would feel by doing this couldn't possibly be as painful as what I feel everyday. Physically and emotionally and mentally I am tortured in pain,...

But noone ever took my pain seriously,... I learned very early that I was on my own with my FM pain. Doctors wouldn't even recognize it as a real conditon until the 1990's. And even then,... people still just believe your a whiner. I finally asked my own mother one day if she believed I had fibromyalgia. And her reply? "I believe YOU believe you have this FM,..." So my own mother didn't even believe me. The only one who ever took my pain seriously was the doctor who first diagnosed me. Way back in 1990. SHE believed me,.... SHE helped me,... SHE believed my pain,... but sadly she was the only one who ever did. So I just gave up getting help and lived through the pain.

None took me seriously

Even now,... in my poverty and struggle to manage on my own now,... people aren't taking me seriously. I am a "blog to read,...." or "the neighbour down the hall to lie and gossip about and make life a misery,..." but other than that,... I mean nothing to anybody. 

I can't get groceries,...

I can't get out of the apartment anymore,...

I just need help now,...

but noone takes me seriously,....

I am just a mentally ill monster.  Everyone can stay away and claim I was just too difficult to be around,... A burden to reject. To cry "we need to self care!" she's not my problem. Too much of a burden,...

The biggest burden that noone ever wanted,...

So i sit here today in the grey gloom of a November afternoon, wishing to die. My heart broken that I was such a burden and so unlovable I am here alone,... isolated,... secluded,... a recluse

The mentally ill monster that doesn't deserve to be,...

So why am I still here???????? There is no fucking point anymore. i can't even get across the street to get groceries anymore!!!!! But noone even notices,... because I am invisable,...

I just need to die now,....

Can someone please put me in touch with someone who can send me some fentanyl because I can't take one more day of this anguished desperation. It is torture and I just can't take it anymore.

There must be one person out there who can empathize and take pity and reach out and help,..

Please,... I just can't take it anymore