I'm back,.... things did not go according to plan. I ended up in hospital,...

I had planned to end my life by hanging. I had found rope and a dog leash and I had McGivered it into something i could hand from my door. I set it up and then smoked a bowl and sat down. I sat there looking at that rope for a very long time. 

But something happened I can't explain. Around midnight I started to feel unwell. Light headed with a bit of blurred vision. I took my blood pressure and sure enough it was high. 226 over 181 which is concerning. now most times in the past I have not wanted help for my high blodd pressure as having such a miserable life of poverty, I didn't want to prolong my life and make me suffer longer. So I refuse BP medication in the hopes that someday soon I will die from a cardiac arrest. But that does not seem to be happening. Instead,... I keep getting these bouts of extremely high and dangerous readings but NOTHING HAPPENS to me. But last night I didn't feel at all well with the light headedness and blurry vision. So i broke down and called 911.

I told the dispacher why i wanted the ambulance but I also told her of my fear of getting taken to a psychiatric hospital. I wanted them to know up front I was refusing to go for psychiatric help until my physical issues were dealt with. It was touch and go in the ER and i was placed in a 'segregated' cell where the mentally ill go,... and I was pretty damn sure I was going to have to go to Homewood. But I had a sincere chat with the doctor and told him of my fears and that I will never ask for help again if i get thrown into a psych ward again. So with a bit of give and take,... we only dealt with the physical problems today.

I dodged a bombshell ~ I don't have to go into Homewood. And this was a good thing because for the first time ever ~ a doctor listened to me and my fear of Homewood. Most others don't even listen to you. 

So they xrayed my hands and they are not broken but they are damaged and will need work. The lump on the side of my neck is not cancer. They did an ultrasound and it is (I forget,...) a cyst? a mass? but either way it is harmless unless it continues to grow. If it grows any larger it will have to be removed through surgery. So awesome news there as I thought i had cancer. I really did. 

They checked my side and I have a hard mass growing by my left upper rib. They ultrasounded that too and again ~ a harmless mass. But just like the one on my neck, it will have to be monitored incase it grows larger. 

So i got my 3 main complaints looked at. I also asked them to do a complete blood work up as without a doctor to monitor my blood now I just wanted a 'complete check up' of my blood. They did find something but in relation to the other stuff it's minor and can be dealt with at a later time. 

They also had to check my heart as I have been having palpatations and general overall weakness which is causing me to not be able to go out to get groceries anymore. I just feel to weak and have no energy. So I have to wait for some results. But all in all it was a good visit and I am glad that I picked up that phone and dialled 911.

This does not end my problems. I am still miserable in poverty and pain. But at least I am no longer INVISABLE. Now this doctor knows I exist and I am struggling. So they arranged to have some social worker os some community workers of some kind to call and visit and hopefully help me with transportation and getting groceries. I really don't know what help is available as if you'll remember I went through this twice before and was only let down when no resources were available to me that I needed. So I still only hope cautiously. I don't believe the resources are out there,... because I have looked for the past 3 years. But I will give them the opportunity to try and help.

So this leaves me in a precarious situation. I am finally getting the physical health care I need,... but once that is all taken care of, I will still be living in POVERTY and pain. So aside from getting some health concerns met - really,.... nothing else will change.

I will still be housebound unable to get out,... I will still not be able to cook and do stuff for myself anymore,... but no extra money will be coming in for that. Infact,... once my non-earner benefits run out I am FUCKED as I lost my ODSP. (Ontario Disability) and until I pay them nearly $4000 I will NEVER get it back. I can't pay them back $4000. I can't even almost pay that,... so i will be losing it altogether.

So now what do I do???? I already live on $1368 a month and have to pay rent and all bills out of that. I'm lucky if there is enough for food left over. So if I am struggling now,.... what the hell am I going to do to get by next February when my insurance money stops??? I am terrified about this. I have already been homeless once and I vowed I will NEVER be homeless again.

So now I am right back to quality of life vs dying. Do I want to continue life in pain and poverty and getting by on charities and benefits. NO DIGNITY in that at all, so the answer is no. I would rather just end it than live like a begger.

They did a study and found it costs $3500 for a single person to get by in the Province of Ontario a month. I make two and a half times LESS than that. I literally live BELOW the poverty line. 

Cost of living in Ontario $3500.00 a month

I make $1368.00 a month

You do the math. not to mention the average cost of rent in this community is $1800.  I don't even make $1800. 

I have come to a point where it's just way too expensive to live now and I struggle too much. This is not what I want for myself. So I am still thinking it's better to just end it all with fentanyl than it is to jump through all these hoops to get better just to send me back to pain and poverty and being a recluse who can't take care of themselves anymore. 

So in the end,... nothing is going to change that will make any sort of difference to change my mind.

I am still going to end my life,.... I just have to find the damn fentanyl.

Because once all the doctors and appointments are all done,.... I will be right back where I started,... and nothing will have changed.

Nope,... I am still determined to end my life. Because existing in a world of benefits and charities is not a life. It's a prison sentence.

If nothing drastic changes for me ~ I will be dead. Because I refuse to spend one more Christmas alone when i knwo my whole family are together - but without me. I jsut can't bear that one more year.

So things happened in the past few days,... but sadly unless my finances change I am still right back where I started from.

Can someone please,... PLEASE help me find some fentanyl?????