I am stuck. I am living in an apartment that looks like I'm in the process of moving. Boxes everywhere,... bare walls,... it is a depressing place to sit in all day. But my biggest 'issue' I have in this flat is my bedroom curtains. The window in this room is huge. It takes up nearly the whole wall. Housing supplied a light beige blind which looks nice. But it does nothing for keeping the light out. I happen to be one of those people that has to sleep in a very dark room. And right now,... this blind is not making that happen. Not even close,...  So I have McGuivered all sorts to get this room dark enough for me to sleep. I have a blanket and a tapestry over top of the blind. But this still doesn't cover all of the window. So every night before I go to bed I also put this old mattress topper up against it to block out the morning light. It looks hideous. Not to mention it is a pain to have to put it all 'back together' every night having opened it all during the day to open the window. My body is old and creaky and in pain so doing this evern night is getting rather tiresome.

So today I got on Amazon and ordered curtains. Because the window is so big it wasn't cheap. I needed four darkening panels as well as all the accessories. It came to over $250. That is an exorbitant amount of money to me ~ that I just didn't have to spend. But last week I actually fell trying to get the damn curtains sorted before bed. Everything I do now seems like hard work. So i just got mad and thought I need these curtains so I can just do what normal people do at night and just shut the curtains. They don't have to climb on a walker to hang a tapestry every night! So it's done,... it comes in the next two days. I thought after i clicked on "buy" I would regret it. I mean $250 is a month of groceries!! But it will be so worth it to finally have "real" curtains on my window.

I'm still at a loss as to what to do though. If I had it my way I would move out of this apartment tomorrow and never look back. It's why I am half packed up and ready to go. I just can't find a new place I can afford. Ontario Housing is the cheapest in the entire province of Ontario. So, as much as I HATE it,... I am forced to stay.

But what do i do about the inside now? Some of it is in storage. Some of it I threw away altogether. I really don't have the energy to lug it all back up from the basement storage. It would take weeks to get this apartment back in any shape. And honestly I don't think I physically can anymore,... I am just not up to moving furniture around and hanging canvases and tapestries back on the walls. It sounds a lot like hard work I really don't want to be bothered with. No one ever comes over so no one ever sees it anyway. But I think the biggest thing holding me back is the fact that if I do give in and do it ! it's like admitting I have lost and I am here for the rest of my life. This just leaves me sad. So unpacking and making this "home' just doesn't excite me. Infact,... it leaves me feeling exhausted before i have even started.

It all comes back to "I have no life". And wouldn't it just be better to pack the rest of my stuff in boxes and then just,.... walk into Elora and jump into the gorge. THAT sounds like less work than living the life I do right now,...

I am so stuck and it has left me MISERABLE.

So again,... I sit here,... just contemplating,.... how peaceful it would be to just,... disappear. It would just be so much easier if I could just be gone and then all of this would be over,.... 

it would all just be over,... 

And again I contemplate,... IS 3 floors stories high enough to die from?