When you don't have a future ~ you tend to do a lot of looking back into the past at better times. But remembering for me is not always healthy. Tonight I stumbled upon a YouTube video of the "Rescue Mediums" who were visiting a place in Sparta Ontario. When the episode started I instantly recognized where they were. Jackie and Alison, the two mediums, were driving down the main street of Sparta in a horse drawn carriage. Sparta itself is a tiny little village. When I lived out that way many years ago I'm sure there was only one set of street lights in the whole town. It was a quaint town geared to tourism. There was a store there I frequent often. It sold homemade bayberry candles that I loved.
It had to be over 20 years now that I lived in St. Thomas Ontario. I was recently seperated and my ex had taken the girls. I was overwhelmed with life and escaped to St. Thomas. The town I had lived earlier with my family. It was a place I loved and still do. I guess I moved back there looking for comfort again.
But I lived alone. I had just left York Medical as my fibromyalgia had gotten too painful to work. I was living on nothing. I can't remember how I managed to get by financially as I hadn[t gotten ODSP yet. But I got myself an apartment and lived there for a few years. I loved that area of Southern Ontario. It was close to Lake Erie and I drove to Port Stanley a lot to get away. Now that I look back I can see I spent a lot of time alone. But back then I don't remember being lonely. I had my own car and was able to distract myself with things I enjoyed doing. Hiking mainly. I was not the healthiest having FM, but I did do a lot of hiking as I found it relaxing. I love nature and it allowed me to get away. I didn't mind doing it alone. I was a very independent person back then.
Looking back, living in St. Thomas was a sort of retreat for me to heal. I was alone a lot. But I did a lot too. Having a car allowed me to drive anywhere I wanted. I was not one of those cautious old lady drivers either. I would drive anywhere. The 401 from London to Pickering,.... I was fearless and independent back then. Nothing held me back. I would drive to Port Stanley beach,... London,... I drove everywhere. But one of my favourite things to do was to drive to Sparta to do some sight seeing and pick up one of my bayberry candles as a treat.
You don't realize how much you enjoy this until it is taken away from you. Now I am trapped inside this aparment like a caged animal. I am a country girl. I love the outdoors and nature. I NEED to rejuvinate myself by getting back to nature. I don't mind being poor,... I can even live with pain. But not being able to do the things i have always loved is what is killing me inside. I am shrivelling up and dying inside from boredom.
So tonight while watching tv I came across this video. I don't know what came over me but my chest suddenly started to feel heavy. An overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. Just seeing Sparta and the place I use to live triggered me. I felt a homesickness that I couldn't shake. Tears followed and eventually I had to turn the show off altogether. It was just too painful to see my past where I was content and happy. Thriving,...
I long to move back to that area. But I could never afford it. I can't afford to move anywhere. I am stuck.
Memories,... to most people they are a good thing. To me all they do is remind me of everything that I have lost.
I am NOT in my enviroment and therefore I am NOT thriving or enjoying life at all. Being cooped up inside is torture for me.
I long for the beach of Port Stanley,... the last place I ever felt happy.
Sad when all you have left in your life is memories,...
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