Well finally having a dark room didn't actually help me get any sleep last night. The room was great. It was me who wasn't. My anxiety has been out of control the past while. I have mentioned before that I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not pain. It's like dark energy. It gnaws at me. Like someone squeezing my insides. The best way I can describe it is "it feels like I am just about to go into a panic attack" but I don't. This pit of nervous anxiety just sits there. It's very uncomfortable. It leaves me feeling like I have to constantly be moving to help it. When I just sit or lie quietly it seems to get much worse. And this is what was happening at four o'clock this morning. I was having this feeling all night. I couldn't fall into a deep sleep. i was tossing and turning. Finally at four I decided to stop fighting it and just get up. So I put on the coffee and started my day. I still have this feeling during the day. It's just not as bad as it is at night for some reason. I'm sure it's stress but I guess we'll never know.
I'm struggling with a lot of health issues right now. I'm having issues with both of my arms and hands still. My left arm is getting better but the hand itself has something wrong with it. I still have no strength or dexterity in it so I can't open bottle tops, etc,.. On top of that I can feel it's still sore and tender to the touch. My right hand is the worst one. of course as it's my dominant hand. My whole arm still has a lot of numbness and pins and needles. This in turn causes problems with my hand. I still can't do half the stuff I used to be able to do. The minute I try and hold something my arm instantly tingles and goes completely numb. I have dropped so many things becasue of this. It's frustrating and it leaves me angry.
I have also done damage to my left groin m aking it difficult to walk right now. I don't remember doing anything specific to it but it has progressively gotten worse over the past month. I can't even cross my legs as it hurts just to lift my leg.
But the worse issue yet is still my throat/neck. i am pretty sure I have cancer. I have had problems on my left side now for over a year. There is a thickening and it's very tender to touch. Some days I feel and can't find anything and think it's all in my head. But yesterday in the shower, I felt it plain as day. A large lump/thickening. It is tender and sore. It used to only be sore if i touched it. but now,... I have noticed it feels off even when untouched. Something is definitely wrong. It's been over a year and it is just getting worse and not better.
I am still having strong symptoms with memory. I not just am suspicious now,... I am sure I am in the first stages of dementia. I am having problems that are effecting me now. I have started leaving notes to myself all over the apartment. When i cook - I have to write it down and put a note beside me as I have forgotten that I had things in the oven or on the stove before and that SCARED me. I could have buned this whole place down. So now I put a timer on every single time I leave the kitchen just to be sure. But I am also having bouts of confusion. Standing there wondering why? Like my mind just blanked and I had to reset my brain.
So in an ideal world,... I would not be living on my own. I can't cook very well anymore and I am worried about starting a fire. I can't do chores the way I used to anymore either. Everything I do is exhausting now and the next day I am seized up in pain becasue of it. Just hanging the curtains over the past 2 days has left me out of commission. The pain has caused me to seize up and I am now forced to have a 'pajama day' where I dont' even get dressed as it's too much work.
In short,... I can't look after myself anymore.
I need to be rescued. I need someone to come and take me out of here to a place that is safe for me. But that will never happen as there is noone to rescue me.
Today,.. not even the new curtains can help me feel better. I am exhausted. I am seized up in pain. I am despondant today. I see no reason to continue on like this. It's too much of a struggle for me now.
I NEED RESCUING ~ but no one is ever coming,...
So again I sit here contemplating what to do,...
I am not happy at all. I am in pain. My life is empty and I just need it to end.
I wish someone would rescue me so I dont' have to do this,...
But I fear life more than I fear death now.
I know it's time,.... Please God,... if your not going to help me,... then give me what I need to end this life and find peace.
Please God,... send me fentenyl,... I really need to go now,....
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