The one thing I have to admit I miss the most is my old boyfriend, Rob. After my ex husband left me it took a year or two to pull myself together enough to want another relationship. When I did, I joined a local single parent social group. I love darts and one of the events was a dart night at a local bar. That is where I met Rob. We clicked right away. I was living in my childhood home with my recently widowed mother at the time. Our relationship was strained to say the least, so I spent a lot of time at Robs place in Wildfield. A tiny little village near Bolton, Ontario which basically consisted of a small sub-division, a church and gas station. It was out in the middle of nowhere and we loved that. Rob was recently divorced himself and was now living in a basement apartment there. And for the next few years that turned out to be our haven. We clung to each other there while we both went through some tough times.
Rob ended up being the love of my life. I know most would expect me to say it was the father of my children but it wasn't. Rob and I had a lot in common that my ex and I never did. I can see looking back that my ex was not the man for me. Rob was,...
Rob was not perfect. Infact I think thats what drew us to each other. We had a lot of the same struggles in life. We both suffered with depression. We were both adopted and had issues connected with that. We were both recently seperated with both of us losing our children to our ex. I think these things made us understand where we were both coming from in our character and behaviour. Like I said before,... Rob was not perfect. And the end of our relationship was traumatic. We had a fight where I came home to find him throwing knives at the wall. His anxiety was out of control. HE was out of control. I fled,... infact,... that is when I became homeless. I didn't have a home of my own for three months after that. But I digress. I loved Rob anyway. Because all that aggresion was just hurt. I knew him. He was tormented inside. I don't know what would have happened that night if I had stayed. Probobly one of us would have gotten hurt or arrested. So I don't regret fleeing into the night. I do regret we never talked again and resolved what happened. The next thing I heard he had hung himself. And that was another of my big devastations in life. Right up there with the loss of the twins. Rob was my soul mate. Neither one of us was perfect. But what he had was a passion for our relatinship. I always felt my "role" in my marriage to my ex-husband was "housekeeper". I never had a deep realtionship with Jeff. It was very superfical and lonely. But with Rob,... he was 100% invested in me and it showed. He showered me with love and attention. He didn't have a lot of other friends either so we ended up being together all the time. (My ex was a social butterlfy and was always out with his friends rather than me) But that wasn't a bad or suffocating thing. We both enjoyed it. It was so long ago now (2004 or 2005'ish) so I can't remember all the details anymore. But I know the only thing we fought about was because he wanted to find a place togerther and get married. I was still living at my moms home. (although rarely there,...) My divorce stipulated that if I co-habitated with another individual - male or female - I would lose my spousal support. I had just won that support and did not want to give it up. Not yet anyway. So that was a are one and only bone of contention in our relationship. In the end it's good I stuck with my guns as if I had moved in with him and lost the support I would have been screwed financially later. I was happy just being the way we were. I had just come out of a 15 year long marriage and I didn't want another ring on my finger. I wanted to concentrate on myself. Getting educated and back into the work place. I needed time as an individaul again to rebuild myself before I got into another marriage. But Rob admitted many times that "he just isn't any good without a woman by his side taking care of him" and I loved to do that which is why the relationship was so good. But he wanted to get married. I refused. And sadly both of our stubborness ended the relationship. And now he is dead. There is no going back.
I have had so many losses in my life through the death of loved ones,... so many,...
I have never been a woman who needs a man. I enjoy being with a man,... but I dont go out and seek one. I am not on any dating sites (but who am I kidding,... a man would not be winning a prize dating me would he?) And after things ended with Rob I didn't want to be with anyone. Kirk manipulated his way into my life and I literally just gave in because he wore me down and it was easier just to say ok, but I NEVER loved Kirk. I don't even miss him now,... which seems mean to say but he did cheat on me - MULTIPLE times with MULTIPLE women so he kind of did it to himself. But again I digress,... back to Rob. For some reason all I can think about today is him. Rob,... How caring and loving he was. Spoiling me with gifts and cooking for me and having Christmas picnics on the basement floor because thats all we had and all we could afford. We didn't mind. We were in love and didn't need money or things. We were happy. Thats not to say life was perfect,... but we loved each other and there was contentment there. It was the one time in life I felt happy and content with a man. Rob really was a good person. But like myself he had a few demons of his own to deal with and in the end that was what killed him.
I can't tell you how much I miss that man. Rob Smith,... thank you for being there and loving me unconditionally. You were the last ~ and probobly only ~ man I ever loved.
R.I.P. and maybe someday we can meet up again.
And now I really do have to try and get out of this funk. These spirals can be so dangerous.
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