It's another morning of waking up knowing I have hours and hours to fill ~ with nothing to do to fill them up with. It's hard to wake up grateful or content when your life is so empty. I woke up very early this morning. Just before 5. I couldn't get my mind to shut off last night and ended up tossing and turning all night. When this happens I know it's just better go get up and put the coffee on. Your not going to get any sleep tonight.
I need to get out of this apartment for my sanity. But my body is not co-operating. Pain and no energy continues to keep me secluded inside my prison. I would like to get to Walmart and the Dollar Store but each morning I just don't feel well enough to attempt the journey. My energy is very low. I don't know if you would call it 'feeling weak' or not but I just worry I will walk all the way there and not be well enough to walk back with all my groceries on my walker. Thats the problem,... the groceries are now taking up my seat on the walker so I can't stop to sit down. Now I can't rest so I have to gun it home. Walking isn't too bad but standing for some reason is very painful. I just have to face that I am no longer well enough to do the walk to get groceries anymore. I haven't for months now. I'm no longer well enough to do anything outside this apartment.
I have been wanting to get to Guelph to get some fentanyl. But I have left it too late. I am no longer well enough to journey to Guelph on my own. I'm quite upset with myself about this as I knew I should have just bit the bullet and gone last summer. But I didn't. And now I can't. Now I am housebound and unable to get fentanyl myself. Now,... I need help getting it. But how? Who would ever take pity on me and see my situation and help? Because of our laws, noone is willing to take the risk to help me acquire fentanyl. Having spoken to many people in these Euthanasia groups, I know others sympathize and understand exactly why I want to end my life. They don't give me the 'lectures' on 'just hold on it will get better,...' I'm smart enough to see that after 5 years of deterioration,... experience tells me it's only going to get worse ~ not better. I've lost my ODSP now for one and that alone is grounds for giving up. I am too old and frail to be homeless again. My body just couldn't handle it. I would rather end my life now before all that happens.
But how? I need fentanyl. But now that I am more or less a housebound recluse, I have no idea how to acquire this precious drug that can end all of my suffering. I am a bit annoyed that my youngest daughter Hayley was able to walk downtown and get some in 20 minutes when she was an addict. She told me it's everywhere. Well if it's everywhere,... why can't I find any? The answer to that is simple. I am not involved in the drug world anymore. I wouldn't know a dealer if he past me on the street. I am not drug aware anymore. I am years sober and left that lifestyle a long time ago.
So how do I get fentanyl? It takes up all of my day thinking about how to get fentanyl and dying. This must show how unhappy I am if all I do is think about dying,...
As I have said before,... I don't actually want to be DEAD. I just don't want to live this soul-less empty life alone. If I had my family in my life,... I would never be considering suicide. If I had better health and accessable health care? It would make life a lot easier. If I had transportation and was able to get out do stuff to keep myself entertained and motivated I would consider staying. If I had more money to sustain a livable, enjoyable life it would definitely change my mind. But having none of these things just leaves me feeling empty and unwanted. And history over the past 5 years has shown it's only going to get worse. Infact by early 2026 after my non-earner insurance benefits stop - I will no longer have money to survive and will be evicted and homeless. NOONE wants that as what they have to look forward to in their future. It's terrifying! Infact,... I have no future.
So please,... someone,... can you help me? I need fentanyl. I need a name or a phone number or something to get this drug that will finally give me peace. But I have left it to long to get myself.
I desperately need someones help - Desperately
I cannot spend one more holiday alone. I just don't have it in me. Last year I had meltdown that nearly ended my life. I just can't face another Christmas day alone. I cannot walk one more time to Walmart to get groceries,... I just don't have the energy anymore. I cannot get out and enjoy life at all. I am a housebound recluse with noone. I have nothing.
So,.... Please,.... someone take pity on me and help me find fentanyl,.... I am begging now.
Please,.... please can someone help?
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