I really just don't want to be here

Amazon delivered everything I ordered except the actual curtain panels. They came before noon so I was able to put the hardware up today. That way, when the curtains arrive tomorrow, all I have to do is put them up. I can't wait to finally have "real" curtains after 8 years of living here. And finally not have to climb precariously on my walker to hang up blankets and tapestries every night. 

But I do have to admit that as I was measuring the walls for the hardware, I couldn't help thinking why was I bothering? I am not happy at all. I am in pain all day. And I am isolated to the point of being a recluse now. So really,... all I want to do is die. But as anyone reading this knows,... I just can't seem to get my hands on fentanyl which is my preferred choice to go as I think that will be the most painless way to go. But I do have second and third options. Because I am THAT desperate to find peace. So as I am working on this project,... I just couldn't help thinking it was all going to be a waste of time and money. Because if I have it my way,... I will not be around by the time the new year gets here. I hope to be long gone and cremated and sitting in some funeral home waiting to be collected. 

I really do hope I will be dead and at peace by then. GONE,...

I know I just can't face another anniversary of the twins, as well as yet another Christmas alone. I just don't think I have it in me to again,... it's just too hard.

So,... I bought the curtains anyway. (???) even though I really don't even want to be here. 

My life really is walking a tight-rope right now. I want to fall and die,... but I haven't been able to find what I need to end my life yet.

But seriously,... I really don't think I can face yet another holiday alone,.... it's just too painful.