Last night was rough. I was up most of the night sick. I know I don't have the flu,... I know it's not food poisoning,... infact I'm pretty sure I know why I am getting sick now. My body is breaking down from the stress. I am so stressed out now that my body is being effected.

Way back in the early 1990's, I used to volunteer for an organization called PBSO ~ Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario. I basically ran the Brampton Branch of the organization. One of my jobs was to liaises a support group for parents who had just lost an infant. It was hard work but I felt it very important. I did this for about 5 years before I burnt out and had to leave for a break. Infant loss is a heavy subject and I think I just needed to let it all go and move on. But for about 5 years, I was a part of this organziation.

In our support groups, one ot the things I liked to demonstrate to the parents there, is how grief and trauma can manifest itself physically in your body if you don't deal with your grief. It is said through reserch that a body needs 18 months to cope with grief so you can move on. They say not to make any big decisions during this time of healing. However, if you stop your growth of healing, you become stuck in your grief and it will now start on your physical body. An example that I used to gove for this, was to take a small balloon and only blow it up a quarter of the way and tie it up. I would then hold this balloon in the palm of my hand. Every time we didn't deal with the grief, I would slowly close my hand. But as I did, parts of the balloon would pop out from between my fingers. Ballooning outward,... THAT I would tell them is your gried manisfesting into a physical sympton. Every time I closed my fist,... that balloon would pop out from between my fingers in every direction. GRIEF and TRAGEDY held in cell memory. I would then tell them that once you deal with your grief as best you can,... the physical symptoms tend to subside. Trauma and grief are very complicated and can cause a lot of stress in the body. My doctor thinks that the loss of my twins was so traumatic to  myself that I manifested Fibromyalgia.

And I think that this is exactly what is happening to me now. I just can't take things anymore and I am breaking down. Now,... it has manifest into my body. And last night my nerves and anxiety got so bad that I couldn't control my body. I was throwing up - off and on - all night long. 

STRESS ~ I have had as much as I can take and now I am breaking down

I have had all that I can take. 

*** I do not want to be alive anymore. I just need to be dead *** 

After the ER visit last week,... I will NEVER be asking for help again. So where does that leave me. With no medical care at all.

So that is that,... I am now at the end,.... and now it just needs to be done. I am much more determined now. Life has bercome so horrible that death is a much better alternative. Two minutes of pain - for an afterlife of PEACE,....

Today I will find a way to die. I am NOT spending my life so stressed over poverty that I spend whole nights in the bathroom throwing up with worry.

I don't deserve this - so I will not endure it 

I WILL find a way to die. I have had enough. And now that i know I can never get medical help again unless I go into HOMEWOOD,... I will NEVER ASK FOR HELP AGAIN.

I just need to die.

To the man on the phone who I talked to = maybe you need a new job becasue it's because of YOU i hung up and will NEVER seek medical help again. YOU judged me as a mental person from the second I started talking to you. YOU ALL DO. I'm mental before anything else.

I'm done. THAT er visit was my last. I will NEVER pick up my phone and dial 911 ever again. EVER.

Instead I just need to end my life for  peace.

I hate this world and the so called "professionls" in it. My lawyer doesn't give one shit about me or my case and the doctors only see me as a mental person. FLAGGED before I even get in the ER doors. Everyone else gets a room curtained off for privacy. I got taken to the "mental room" right away. Glass so everyone can see you. AND they right way took away my walker and my bag so I "couldnt' escape" they took my walker and wouldn't give it back. Thats not health care,... that was traumatizing. They took away my walker. They saw me FIRST as mentally ill before they even ask whats wrong.

If I had it my way,... I would move as far away from this hell-hole of Fergus as I could. Maybe THAT way,... I could finally get health care without being thrown in a psychiatric hospital. JUST BECAUSE you are flagged as mentally ill.

Becasue of this system ~ I will never ask for help ever again.

I instead plan to die

Thank you world for making me feel like nothing but a mentally ill monster. 

ALL YOU DESERVE IS LOCKING UP

So today,.... I am determined to end my life and die.

I just can't take anymore. 

I just can't take it