It's Saturday morning. And for the past I can't even tell you how many years I have watched football. The English Premier League. Manchester United in particular. But times have been tough and a few weeks ago I made the decision to give up my FUBO streaming sevice as it was quite expensive. The ONLY thing I watched on it was football. So it was getting harder and harder to justify the $25 a month cost. I just felt it would be better spent on groeries.
However,... now that it is the first Saturday without it,... I miss it. I really miss it. I had forgotten just how much it helped pass the day. From early morning until late afternoon I sat and watched games. But this morning,... no games. I guess I didn't realize just how much I would miss it.
but needs ~ must ~ and all that,... sacrifices
I started another blog a few weeks ago. Memories. My children will never read this blog. I don't want them to. But it does make me feel sad to know that my daughters will never really know who I am. So I started a blog about all my lifelong memories. Now is the time I am suppose to be sitting in a rocking chair with my grandchildren all around me as I regal stories of my childhood and our family. But,... I am estranged and not welcome in my childrens life. So there is noone to reminise with. But I am worried that someday my girls will change their minds and want to know more about who I really was. So I thought everytime I have a memory about my past, I will write about it in this blog. It's not for the public. It's for my family. Whether they ever decide to take the time to read it once I'm gone is up to them. But I just feel this need to get my life on record as it will all be gone with my death.
I do not plan on being here for Christmas. It is just going to be too painful this year to be alone. So I am really digging in deep to find the courage to end my life. But before I do ~ I hope to leave a few memories to share with my family.
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