Grateful

I have two things on my mind this morning and they both involve gratitude. 

As I sit here looking out my window I can see that it is cold. Canadian cold! The falling snow doesn't melt upon hitting the ground. It blows across it. You can see the tiny swirls of white blowing around. As a girl raised in Canada I know this means it's cold! It's still quite early yet so it may warm up by sunrise but right now I am huddled up in my blanket trying to fend off the chill in the air. And this is how I came to be thinking about gratitude. 

I have been homeless. But I am not right now. And as I look outside at this frigid morning I am so grateful that I have this blanket to snuggle up into. I am grateful I have an apartment with heat. I have been homeless and know life without these needs and it was miserable. I did have a car at the time and even though that is what saved me - it is still miserable to have no home. So this morning I can't help but feel gratitude for the warmth I am enjoying.

The other thing I have been enjoying is food. For the past three days I feel like I have been feasting. I am used to rationing my groceries so that I don't starve but I dont' get the luxeries I used to. Meat,... produce,... and the treats. But over the past week I have been blessed with an abundance of these things. I have eaten a whole thing of raspberries,... blackberries,... blueberries,... I have eaten steak! And in between these things I have had chocolate. My addiction. I now have lots of treats. And I have been enjoying every mouthful. I am pretty sure that if I am to weigh myself in a month I will have put on a few pounds. And I am ok with that!

I seem to keep fluctuating between feeling grateful to the people who have gone out of their way to be kind,... but also feeling extremely low becasue I miss my children so much. I feel absolutely hopeless about my future and therefore I just don't want to live anymore. I live a life of always wanting to die but also grateful for what I have while I wait for that to happen. 

I admit that for the past year I am miserable in my character due to my situation now. It's difficult to be happy when your in pain. It's hard to be motivated or content when you live a life of lonliness. Theres a lot of pain in my heart. I once used to be bubbly and loved to laugh. Now I rarely smile. I am sad all the time. But that doesn't mean I can't be grateful for the stuff I do have. And today that is a home and food. 

But even that is in jeoperdy. Once my insurance payments run out ~ I am fucked. So I feel scared all the time. I constantly sit on the fence of "do I wait until I am evicted for not being able to pay rent?" or "Do I just end it all now and get it over with" because either way, it is crystal clear - I have no future.

So I spend my days in limbo. Trying to fill up the hours in my day while I watch tv. I am just sitting in God's waiting room. Do I wait until I find myself under a bridge with a garbage bag of my most precious belongings? Or do I find the courage to get it over with now?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?,...

Because right now I am just in pain,...