I woke up to another day of snow. Only today the sun is shining bright. I always feel just a tiny bit better when the sun is shining. It gives me a little lift. I woke up early. I wish I could sleep in until noon but my body doesn't allow that anymore. When I was a teenager I could sleep all day if allowed! But I had a father who insisted we get ourselves up and out of bed every weekend as back in our day, we had household chores to do before we were allowed our freedom to do the fun weekend stuff. 

I lie there this morning. Awake. But I just didn't feel like getting up. So I just lie there ~ starring at the ceiling. I can remember a time in my life where I was so busy that I didn't have time for the luxury of a nice lie-in. But lately,... when I wake up, I feel so sad that I don't feel like getting up. My biggest issue right now is not having anything to do. So when I wake up now,... it's hard to get motivated when you know you have to face the next 16 to 20 hours of emptiness that you have to fill. Without money the only way to do that is watch tv. So each morning I lie there ~ first feeling let down that I woke up at all ~ as wouldn't it be awesome if my heart would finally just stop beating in the middle of the night. Painless and peaceful - BLISS! So once I get over the realizataion I am still alive,... then I instantly have that moment of "of yeah - my life is shit and now I have another whole day of boredom". Doesn't give me much encouragement ot hop out of bed. So lately I find myself just lying there starring at the ceiling. Putting off the start of my day as I know it will be the same as every other day,.... BORING

But I get up anyway. I have one thing to look forward to today. Dinner. I don't usually eat meals. There too expensive to cook. But lately I have been treating myself to a crock pot chicken once a week. I have started freezing the veggies and storing them in individual pkgs. So this morning all I had to do was dump frozen potatoes, carrots and oniions in the bottom and place a chicken breast on top. Voila,... 3 meals. And good wholesome meals. I know it's really sad that the highlight of my day is a crock pot chicken dinner. But there you have it,... 

I don't know what I can do today to make this day go by faster or what I can do to eat up all the empty long hours of nothingness,... but I have no choice. I am here and I exist so I must,... I will sit here alone watching tv until I go to bed. I can't think of a more wasted useless life than this,....

But until I can find the courage and the fentanyl,... I guess I must endure,...

But I can't help thinking I am just a waste of breath filling up time until my heart finally stops beating. What is the point of that?