wisdom comes too late

I came across this show today. With all the mundane tv I watch it isn't always easy to find something I truly enjoy watching. I would say 90% of what I watch is really just to fill up time. BORING,... But every once in awhile I come across a program that I like. Today it is a series called "Hard North". It is a reality show about people who survive off-grid in the extremely tough Canadian wilderness. I love nature. I have always said if money were no object I would live in a cabin on a lake somewhere deep in the forests of Canada. Me and my 2 or 3 dogs and cats.

I was in awe from beginning to end watching these folk build a homestead and survive out in the wild. Margo expecially had me in absolute awe. The tenacity and inginuity of this woman was incredible. She built her own cabin!!! How many women do you know who can say that? 

I have always loved building. Watching something from start to finish. Infact,... to me there is nothing sexier than a man who can build. To hell with hair gel and shaving their chests ~ I like a REAL man who can survive in the wild. It is a treat to watch these folk. I am jealous of them. They knew what they wanted out of life and they went out and took it. They are all now living the dream. A dream they themselves built with their very own hands. It ws a brilliant series.

But it had me thinking. God, thats all I do lately. Think too much,... 

Wisdom is a funny thing. And in my case, it came too late. 

Now that I am in my golden years,... I have the advantage of sitting back and going over my life. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Now that I have the wisdom of knowing my past,... I can see that I made many mistakes. And if I had the luxury to do it all over again, I would do things completely different.

The big change I would mave made would have been to leave Ontario. When I had my breakdown and my ex took my kids away from me, I was understandably devastated. I spent the next few years trying to get them back. But his lawyer stopped that. THAT really was the turning point in my life that started the downfall where I never again found my footing. From there on I fumbled through life rather than living it.

Now that I can see all of this,... I should have just moved away. I didn't have the knowledge that I was never going to get my girls back. Instead I hung around hoping,... fighting,... but not winning. I never got them back. So looking back,... I should have packed my bags and moved to BC. My mother and father lived there at the time. My mother in a trailer up in the mountains. Knowing I would never get my kids back would have allowed me to go,... instead I stayed and hoped - but lost. 

I wonder how different life would have been if I followed my birth parents to British Columbia. Started a new life fresh. Living in the wilderness with my Mother. Instead,... I spent years here pining for my family,... a family that didn't want me and never came back. 

I should have just left right there and then.

I wish I could move. Out of this hell hole. I want to be in the forest. I want to wake up to the sound of the water lapping the shore. To birds singing,... not traffic. To sounds of nature,... not some addcit raging down the hall. I want to watch mother nature,... I want to rejuvinate my soul with fresh air and peace. Living here in Ontario Housing is destroying my soul,....

I need to be free,... out in the open,... noone telling me what I can or can't do or I'll get evicted,... I want to live somewhere that is all mine and noone can threaten to throw me out. Do this or else you will be evicted,... Do that and you will get evicted,... I am so tired of living the rules and regulations of a dorm in a college. I want to have ME back. FREE. To be left alone to what I want,...

I want to wake up and have my coffee on my front porch. In peace,.. 

Why can't I ever find peace in my life? 

My life has gone so wrong,... nothing seems to have worked out for me. Why didn't I just give up years ago? Because just existing is sould destroying and I just can't do it anymore.

I want to be out there LIVING! But instead I am stuck in here - DYING! Rotting away a forgotten useless invisable burden....

My life has been a complete fail,... and now I just need to disappear