I have made it to seven o'clock! And this is how my day goes. Tediously getting through each hour of the day. I made a promise to myself. If I make it to seven o'clock,... we'll watch an episode of "Call The Midwife". My aboslute favourite show of all time. It blends three of my favourite things,... babies,... the love of the past,... and all things British. I had stopped watching it for a while as I had seen the whole series about four times. It got so I wasn't loving it so much as it was getting repetitive. One of the problems of watching tv all day long is you soon see everything you want to see and start watching reruns. 

I don't like a lot of the tv on streaming. I don't like violence, which excludes 50% of all viewing. I don't enjoy "Hollywood" stuff. Glitzy,... glamourous,... you won't catch me dead watching any episode of a Real housewives of anything. I like classic tv. I think if you were to see my list of viewing you would be surprized. no sex,... no violence,... just old fashioned wholesome family stuff.

The Waltons,... Anne of Green Gables,... All Creatures Great and Small,... But when Call The midwife first aired on BBC in 2012, I couldn't get enough of it. Here it is 13 seasons later and it's only getting better. But I needed to give it a rest for awhile so I stopped watching it. 

But tonight I was sitting here in this evening looking outside. It's dark already. I already felt off all day because I couldn't watch football today. I surfed YouTube for awhile but I just couldn't find much on today. And because I can't seem to find anything to keep my interest I am bored. 

My mind keeps drifting to the dreadest Christmas. I can't seem to get all the old memories of Christmases with my girls out of my head. I keep playing over and over again all the mornings we enjoyed watching them open their gifts. But I mustn't remember them. It's just too painful. So I have to keep distracted. 

It's time to pull out "Call The Midwife" I am now on season ones Christmas Special. Do these ever bring back memories. THESE are the Christmases I hold dear in my heart. The ones from the 1960's and '70's. My parents weren't rich but we never went without. We got one gift from Santa ~ always a toy ~ and one from the family. And of course the stocking which we opened on our bed when we first woke up. And we felt rich beyond our dreams! We didn't get big ticket items. I remember a doll house one year and an easy bake oven another. But it wasn't the gifts that made everything so magical. It was being with my family. 

It was also the simplier times. Our tree - usually real - was decorated with lights and icicles. I dont' see these icicles anymore. Long silver strands of shiny paper we would drape all over the tree. We had home made decorations. There wasn't a lot of flashy coloured lights like you see today. So the first lighting up of the tree was always exciting. Things were much more understated back then. Not so obvious. Now everything has to be bright and colourful and loud. Back then it was just simplier,... I think you just had to have lived the baby-boomer Christmas to know what I mean. It was the last generation of no internet,... no world wide web,... no devices of any kind. It was Christmas Carols played on a radio. We watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty The Snowman on an old black and white tv. It seemed like things were geered more about family and love rather than stuff and lights and noise. Nowadays, it almost seems like people are so distracted with the "noise" of the marketing that they forget to just sit and chat and catch up with loved ones. 

I don't like Christmas now. It's all about stuff. Greed,... looking better and having more than your neighbour. It's about the gifts and the trimmings now. Why do we need so much stuff?? 

My wish this year would be to have my daughters with me. Their families all around them. I would like to just sit in a comfy chair and watch all the people I love enjoy their day. I want to have a few cheeky drinks and get a bit tipsy. I want to laugh at all the antics my grandchildren perform. I want to be surrounded with love. There doesn't have to be a gift in sight. Just my children,... with their children,... making memories. 

But sadly that will only be a wish. Instead I will spend the day alone knowing all those loved ones ~ don't want to be with me. A feeling so sad I can't bear it. 

For some folk,... Christmas will be the wonderful holiday they will remember fondly for years to come,...

For me,... it's another day that just reminds me that I am different,... and therfore not wanted,....

Sometimes Christmas can be a horrible time of year. 

And I just can't bear to wake up one more Christmas morning alone,...

I just don't want to be here this year. I just want to disappear,...