My life has been so chaotic. I just have to breath and I'm different. If I had to say who I am most like in a fictitious character, I would have to say I am most like Stacy Slater in the British soap opera "Eastenders". Stacy is a beloved character who's storyline is often chaotic. Stacy means well,... but not a lot works out for her.  She has bipolar and suffered from post-partem psychosis. Her illnesses weren't the same as mine,... but we both led hard chaotic lives due to our mental illness. Her character has been on the show for over 20 years so her mental illness has been writen about in many different scenes. Although Eastenders is still a fictitious show,... they do strive to have hard hitting events on it and they do tend to research and get these storylines right. Not all of them of course,... as it is still just a show. But I have found that when it comes to the character of Stacy Slater - they got a lot right. mental illness casues your life to go in a direction you didn't plan for. bascially in my life,... I have just hung on and gone for the ride. I didn't have a lot of control of what I did,... I really just reacted to things going on around me. My life was not planned out. I went where it took me.

Your life is not the same when you are mentally ill. You will never have a normal life unless you have a family around you that loves and supports you and doesn't leave. But if they leave and you find yourself on your own? You will have a hard and difficult life.

And that has been the case for me. Reacting rather than living,...

Noone understands me. So i have chosen to retreat from life and live as a recluse. I dont' miss the people that hurt me that I cut out. Infact life has been easier not having to deal with them. If you dont' live up to someones expectation - they don't want you around. 

I can't live up to peoples expectations. I am ill. I wasn't fortunate enough to have family that stayed through the bad parts,... they dumped me. They are all living healthy good lives without me. 

But that left me alone. And now I can't cope. My body is physically retaliating now.

No person is ever meant to live as a recluse alone. It is not in a human beings natural make up. We are social creataures who need others to get by. But my illness prevented me from having those people. 

I got by. I had no choice. I had to. if I didn't continue on I would starve. I had to get up everyday regardless and just carry on. But it' wasn't an easy life or a good one. And now I am tired of it all. I need a rest. 

I feel like this world just attacks me. So I need to hide away and avoid everyone altogether. If you are hidden away - you can't get hurt. If you dont' ask for help,... you can't get thrown in Homewood. If you stay hidden - you will be left alone. 

But this life is not easy either. It is lonely and painful. 

And just knowing that you have ZERO worth to anyone else on this planet is a horribly lonely feeling. 

Knowing you are not worth help is just soul destroying. 

I have NO WORTH to anyone on this planet.

The only thing people do for me? Is throw me in Homewood. That is not a life,... That is witch hunt I do not wish to endure.

I guess I was never meant to be born. But accidently I was,...

Now I have had enough and I just want to disappear,.....

Now I just need to disappear,....