Just do it and it will all be over

I tried to have a good day. I woke up way too early again - five o'clock. But dispite the un-Godly hour I made coffee and started my day. I didn't feel too bad. I spent the morning watching football. I taped a bunch of games over the past few days so there was lots to watch. My friend Becky surprized me with an early morning phone call. I wasn't expecting that. Becky is one of those eternally cheerful people so a chat with her was uplifting and cheered me up. I wasn't doing bad. It really was just another Wednesday.

But as the afternoon progressed my mood started to sink. I couldn't change a channel without having Christmas festivities in my face. I tried to steer clear of all things Christmas but this society really does ram it down your throat. You can't move without seeing all the happy families enjoying the holidays. Every show,... every movie,... and the more I tried to avoid it - the more it seemed to hit me in the face. By three oclock I had tanked. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness. It seemed to be on a level I have never experienced before. And by the afternoon I was paralyzed. I was so sad it had completely enveloped my body as well as my mind. I took to my bed and felt numb,... I just lay there starring at the ceiling. I had shut down.

When I woke up at dinner, I was hoping to feel brighter but instead I had a crushing feeling of doom. I felt so heavy,... the black fog had descended and I am paralyzed in it's grip. 

The silence from my children has been heartbreaking. The final realization they mean it. They don't want me in their lives. And if they were ever to reach out,... this would be the day. Isn't Christmas the season of love and forgivness and putting everything in the past? For reaching out to loved ones? I didn't dare reach out to them. I couldn't bear one more rejection. But I hoped,... 

But as the day neared it's end - with no phone call,... no text,... no email,...  Instead just a quiet that hurt my heart. And with each passing hour my phone remained silent I fell deeper and deeper into despair. 

I am a self harmer. But I have not cut in a few years now. But today has been hard. So hard. I have my scalpel and I want to cut. I want to release all this pain and hurt and sadness. I am beyond broken now and I need to cut,... one slice,.... just one deep slice,.... 

and all this could fade away into oblivion and I would finally feel nothing,...

I can't deal with the pain of this day. I need to cut.

Noone should ever have to live a day like I had to live today. Alone and sad and knowing noone wanted you for Christmas,...

NOONE wants you at all,....

so just cut!!!!!! One cut and it will all be over,...