My sleeping has gotten out of whack. Because I was awake so early yesterday, I went to bed early, which caused me to wake up at two this time. So again I am sat here in the middle of the night wide awake. I suppose it really doesn't matter though. As someone who never leaves my apartment and rarely sees anyone, I guess it doesn't matter when I sleep. I live in my own world now with my own clock. I've always enjoyed the peace of the middle of the night. It's so quiet. The hustle and bustle of activity is gone and a quiet hush settles over the building.
Most of my days are so empty I am desperately looking for anything to do just to pass the hours away. Time is my enemy. But yesterday I was able to fill up those hours and in the end it turned out to be a good day. My cousin "L" stepped in and transferered me some money so I was able to do a good grocery shopping. The one big stressor I have in my life is trying to get groceries. I don't have a car,... I can't always walk and taxi's are a joke in this town as we only have ONE! So you can't rely on him when you have frozen foods and waiting. (I was once told it would be over an hour,...) So at the beginning of the month - every month - I go through this stress. How am I going to get the things I need this month? After I get paid I wait patiently for a good weather day when I have no pain and there is no snow on the ground so I can walk to the store. But those 3 things rarely aligne preventing me from getting out. So I instead have to fall back on delivery which I hate. I want to go TO the store and pick out my own shopping. But I haven't managed to do that since September.
I am getting cabin fever and need to get OUT!
Anyway,... this month was no different. I was trying to get to Walmart myself but pain and snow has prevented me from doing that. So yesterday I finally broke down and put in a grocery order from Walmart. I usually take two or three days to fill my cart and then when I think I have everything I click on check out. And thats where I was when my cousin "L" got in touch saying she would like to pay for my groceries this month. Which she did. So I was able to do a massive shop. $226.00 ~ a months worth of groceries! I was able to get meat and bacon and chocolate and muffins,... all treats I normally don't get. And now I have a completely stocked fridge and pantry. This is such a good feeling. The stress of looking out the window at a white wonderland and wondering how on earth I would be able to get supplies was giving me anxiety. It's the same every month. But now,... this months groceries are done and I no longer have to worry about it. I am thrilled. AND I get treats all month!
Housing came and fixed my heat. I am lucky that in this building maintenence is very good about fixing anything we have broken. I know I have lived in other apartments where the landlord doesn't even remember your alive except to take your monthly rent cheque. But here they take great care of the building. It's something I have always appreciated. So now my heat is back up working as it should be. With the extra money I got from my cousin "L" I got on Amazon and ordered myself a new portable heater. There not too expensive and I use it every day in the winter. Sometimes when the weather drops to minus 10 or more, I just need that extra heat in here.
So with my grocery order and the maintenence visit my day was full. And I was content. If I had something to do every day I think life would be a lot better if my mind was active and busy. It's boredom that eats away at me everyday. I need things to do to be happy. And yesterday proved that just one or two things to do everyday can make all the difference. This sitting in my chair for hours and hours and hours just watching tv is slowly killing me. I am a "do'er" - I need to "do" stuff. But for the past few years there is no money or transportation to do anything.
Life needs to be LIVED,.... and if your not living it,.... then what is the point?
I need a life!!!
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