Absolutely dreading Christmas

Another grey day. I didn't post yesterday. I was actually busy. Theres something I never get to say anymore - I was busy.  I got a call from Becky saying she wanted to drop something by. I was taken off guard as she had already brought me a bunch of groceries a few days earlier. So I was wondering what more she could have! I was having a very non-motivated morning so I was still in my pajamas. But an hour later she dropped off 3 huge boxes of groceries. Apparently the woman who owns/works at the grocery store in Elora had made a gift box of groceries for me. Beckys husband used to work for her and they are still friends. I have never met this woman and even now I don't even know her name. But Becky must have told her about me. So she gifted me with all this food. And I can see by looking at it all that she took a lot of time and care in what she packed. It really was a gift I needed,... and appreciated. Not only is my fridge and pantry full but my freezer, which I had to redo twice just to get everything into it, is overflowing to the point things fall out when I open the door!! In the 8 years I have lived here I have never had so much food. If we get hit with some lockdown or crisis in the world - I can get by for 3 months without even needing to buy anything. For someone who struggles financially this is a GIFT. Half of my life is spent stressing about getting stuff I need. THIS just gave me peace of mind for a few months. 

I know I am not celebrating Christmas this year. The pain of not being with my children is just too much. I find it easier to just give the whole holiday a miss. Instead I will spend the day alone again. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. But I have learned you have to do what you enjoy to make the day your own. I enjoy football. So I will have all that weeks games taped and I will sit and watch football for the  morning. In the afternoon I plan on watching every Christmas episode of Call The Midwife. My favourite show. I love all the characters and when I watch this show I feel like I am HOME,... silly I know,...  I think there are 13 Chirstmas episodes in total so that should carry me through to the end of the day. There is a frozen turkey dinner that Becky brought so I will thaw that out and have a nice dinner with cheesecake. I think the secret to getting through this day is to NOT THINK. Just carry on like it is any other day. If I start to think about my girls,... I will spiral down into a rabbit hole that will have me suicidal. So I have to work hard at pretending that December 25th is just another day like any other day.

Where it gets me though is the smell. I can hide away inside my unit and pretend it's just another Wednesday. If it weren't for the smells. Everyone cooking their Christmas dinner. I remember last year taking my garbage out to the garbage room and practically salivating at the aroma of all the turkeys cooking in the ovens,.. it just smelled so good,... It's hard not to picture families all sitting around a table laughing and enjoying Christmas. No doubt about it ~ it's a difficult day to get through. I am NOT looking forward to it. And it's only a week away.

I do hope my girls have a nice holiday. I am devastated that I won't be there to watch my granddaughter open her presents and enjoy her first REAL Christmas. I can't bear thinking about what they will be doing. Where they will be going,... who will all be there,... I just torture myself if I do. So I have to shut that door. Just shut it up tight and not think about it. I literally have to pretend I don't have family. It really is the only way to get through that dreaded day. I really do hope my granddaughter has the magical day I believe her parents will give her. I am just devastated I won't be there to see it for myself. 

I'm finding that tv is hard to watch right now too. I am having to avoid programs with toddlers in them. As I have tried to watch them but every toddler in the program just seems to be my granddaughter and I just start to cry as I miss her. (Can you miss someone you have never even met?) It just turns into "I'll bet that's what E****** would be doing" or "I'll bet E****** would love that too!" and in the end I just torture myself. So over the past few years I can't even watch tv with anything reminding me of my granddaughter. So I stick with the shows I know and love. 

I have been having a problem with my emotions the past while. My mood can change in an instant. One minute I'm watching something on tv that has me crying,... or laughing so much I pee,... which isn't so bad except I can go through a range of these emotions in just a few short minutes. And when I have an emotion it is intense. I am finding it hard to control them. I know that all I need is a simple mood stabalizer. But in order to get that medication I will have to jump through THEIR hoops to get it. So instead I just live without. If I had a family doctor I would just ask her for that prescription and she would write it out and it would be done. But with NO DOCTOR I will be forced to call CMHA and they make you go through this ordeal of a two hour intake meeting and then several appointments after that. And then after a few months,... they dump you. Your meds run out and you are back to where you were a year earlier. NO MEDS. So I'd rather just white knuckle my mental health. Not very comfortable or nice,... but I refuse to go through their hoops just to get a presecription that will run out in a year and you have to start all over again. TOO MUCH WORK. I'd rather just have out of control and intense emotions.

For someone who had such a great day yesterday,... I feel quite down and almost suicidal today. Even though this week has been alright,... it doesn't erase my unpredictable future. Homeless. No ODSP. No future,.... a few nice days can't take away the stress of what I'm facing in the new year. No ODSP,... can't pay rent,... homeless,....

Christmas may be a time which most families look forward to with great anticipation. But I am dreading it. All I can see is my family having a wonderful day without me. And not because I can't get there,... but because I was never invited,... because they don't think of me as part of the family. Because they didn't want me there.

And that just leaves me suicidal,...

Because all I see in my future is lonliness,... poverty,... pain and once my insurance payments end from my accident - HOMELESSNESS.

2025 does not hold anything for me but misery.

And thats how I am feeling today. Hopeless and suicidal.