I decided to go onto my Facebook today. I have given up social media but I do pop on to my Facebook account about once a week just to clean it up of spam messages,... I don't know why but I get a large amount of messages from wealthy widows in the United States who are all in the military. It's funny how all these fake profiles are exactly the same. But they continue to try,... Anyway, today there was a friend request from my sister-in-law. RED FLAG!! red flag! red flag! There is no way she is sending me a friend request. She made it perfectly clear our last interaction that she didn't like me and no longer wanted me in her life. I ended up self-harming immediately after she left. I have that day on this blog somewhere but I am too lazy to search for it. To summarize the visit ended with police,... ambulance and me in hospital after self-harming. But what I DO remember and remeber so well it HAUNTS me, is what she said to me that day.
"So,... you jumped a fence when you were pregnant with the twins?"
I blogged about this already, but I needed to remind myself why I cut her out of my life. This woman was not even a part of our family when I lost the twins in 1989. She married my brother later. So WHY on earth ~ after 30 years! ~ would she say that to me. She wasn't involved. It was way in the past,... so ??? I'll telll you why. This woman is charming and nice and smarmy. but she is also diabolical. She knew that just dropping that in my head would eat away at me. AND IT DID. I have felt unsettled about that comment ever since. I don't think I harmed my babies. I was an athlete at the time (swimmer and was still swimming while pregnant) and the fence was wooden (not steel mesh) and had a shed on the other side I was able to drop down to gently. I was FINE!
So WHY would any woman say that to another woman?
She said it to deliberately make me think I lost my babies by harming them by jumping over the fence. She wanted me to feel like a bad mother,... a bad person,... and guilty. There simply is no other reason for bringing such a TINY miniscule event of hopping a fence up over 30 years later. She wanted me to feel guilty. And NOW I DO!!!! Thank you L*** M*****,.... for saying that to me. Why one mother with two children of her own would ever say that to a woman who lost two babies is beyond me. You had to have been a diabolical biotch, YOU wanted me to HURT.
So,... when I got this request I was like no,... so I clicked on her profile page and screenshot the page along with the friend request and then messaged ????? on her messages. It came back just as I thought. It's a fake parofile and she did NOT send a request. But can you believe she wrote "Huh, sorry, it would seem that I have been hacked. and then,.... "HOW ARE YOU?" Needless to say,... I left that well alone and didn't anser and never plan to. That woman is a fake princess. I want nothing to do with her.
But I do miss my brother. He hasn't been the kindest either but he is still my brother. And if SHE weren't in the picture I would be calling my brother today. but she is and she is the one who wears the pants and makes the decisions so she has obviously not told my borther the very hurtful thing she said to me. Of course she didn't,... I'm sure she didn't tell anyone she said that to me. Not even the police. But I told the police,... anyway,... the point being,... I can't let her back in my life. Only someone who doesn't want the best for me would do something that low. So I resolved I would NEVER let her back in my life. but that means,... I lose my brother too. I will not lie. I do miss HIM. I have known him and been in his life a lot longer than SHE ever has. (over 60 years!!!) but because of her,... I will probobly never see my brother again. By the way, he actually lives here in Fergus about 5 minutes drive away.
But there are some things you can't forgive. I would forgive everyone in my life ~ except her.
But why it was so triggering and hurtful to me is also part of my illness. I can't let things go if they really bother me. And they eat away at me. I go over and over it in my head at night trying to sleep. So for the past 2 or 3 years or however long ago this happened between me and her,... it has been eating away at me making me feel horrible. I think a non-mentally ill person with my issues would have for sure been hurt,... but I don't think they would still be bothered by it years later like I still am. I know I should just let it go. But sometimes it nigles at me,... what if she is right???? I don't know if this is my illness or not but it's definitely not a nice thing. I can't seem to let it go.
And to this day every time I see or hear her name,... I INSTANTLY get haunted with,....
"So you jumped a fence when you were pregnant with the twins,..?"
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