My day does not usually start off well. Infact,... I usually start my day unsettled,... anxious,... and suicidal. I have my coffee and watch something calming on YouTube (like a cabin snowstorm scene) and the only way I can make this uncomfortable feeling subside is two things. Writing and weed. First I write in my blog. I purge every bad and negative feeling I have. I just get it all out. I don't care about punctuation or correct spelling. I am too busy trying to get all the jumbled words in my head out. Writing them down allows them to leave my head so I can start my day better. The second thing I do once all that is done is smoke weed. I know this makes me look bad but I don't have medications. So I use what I can for pain and anxiety. And what has worked for me is marijuana.
My anxiety and mental state is so bad in the morning that I don't even want to get out of bed. I have to force myself every single day. Once up, I am not in a healthy state. I am sad. I am depressed and I am angry at my situation. I am NOT calm. Jittery,... like my nerves are raw. But once I have my coffee and write - I start to calm down. But it's not until I actually smoke weed that I start to feel better. I can't tell you how uncomfortable being mentally ill is sometimes. The anxiety alone isn't nice. And not being on medication you have to white knuckle it. So I choose to smoke weed. I know in an ideal world, weed would not be the best answer for me. But I don't live in an ideal world. I live on the bottom where I have to scrimp for what I need.
I don't even like weed. I find it very dirty. The resin - the mess - it's disgusting really. And as someone with OCD, I find it even more gross. My bong is my best friend and worst enemy. But it works for me. So I put up with the ugly side of it.
The good side? When you live with constant physical pain that is relentless, you get tired. Imagine a toothache that never left you? So in smoking weed I get a few minutes where a wave of delicious pain-relief washes over me and I can RELAX my body. To not feel pain is better to me than any amount of money you could give me. It doesn't last long. A few minutes. But those are my relief minutes. The pain subsides and my body can relax and I can finally think straight. It's not ideal,... but it's all I have.
The other thing weed does - and this is probobly the most important thing it does - Is it calms me down when I get suicidal. When I get up in the morning I am so depressed and sad all I want to do is die. It's a horrible and heavy feeling. But when I smoke weed,... for a short time my body goes into 'couch-lock'. No pain,... I feel like I am floating. And my stress disappears and my mind clears of all the problems,... I am normal for a few short minutes.
Weed is my best friend and my enemy. Because I know it's not good for me. The act of smoking my bong is probobly destroying my lungs. And at this point in my life I am smoking about a dozen bowls a day. That can't be good for my body. But even knowing this I still use it.
Without it I simply couldn't deal with the pain.
But now it is an expense that I am struggling with. It isn't all that much really. I pay about $80 an ounce and that lasts me a month. So it's cheaper than alcohol or tobacco. But it is an expense that I could do without. But I can't. The pain on days I don't smoke weed is unbearable and I can't do it. I won't do it.
But I am getting tired of smoking it. The smell,... it's dirty,... it can't be good for you,... the money,... it's just a monkey on my back I could do without. I am not a 'stoner'. I don't like people even knowing I smoke it. It's not a social thing for me. It's a necessity. But it's one I'm tired of now. Infact I am tired of my whole damn life. The pain,.. the poverty,.. everything.
I am finding even with my weed,... it's taking more and more to get me calm enough NOT to feel suicidal. This isn't living. This really is just pain. And I really do just want to disappear and have it all go away,....
I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning alone to be reminded of how noone wanted me at their celebrations. I couldn't bear that. A person really can only take so much before they start to break down. I have been breaking down ever since my accident. And now I am at the end. I don't want to go on anymore. I don't want to struggle in pain anymore,... I don't want to be alive anymore,...
I just need to die and finally feel relief from all this pain
Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is fentanyl,....
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