Girl Interrupted

Girl interrupted. The first time I saw this movie I could relate. The main character "Susanna Kaysen" actually wrote a biography which was then translated to the screen. So it's a true story. I connected with this woman right away. Mental illness is a complicated and deep illness. It's multifaceted and just when you think you have a handle on it ~ it changes direction and brings you somewhere else. In the end,.. your not living life,... your navigating your illness and always distracted with trying to be normal and fit in. But when your mentally ill, your not normal. And fitting in just never happens. I am 61 and I am still trying to find a way through life. I never did find my place,... I never did find my people,... and in the end I am spending my last years alone.

Netflix dropped this movie today in Canada. I hadn't seen it in awhile. I've read the book a few times as well so I am quite familiar with it. The woman in the book, Susanna Kaysen, struggles through her teens and just out of high school finds herself commited to a psychiatric hospital. There she learns she has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Which is the same thing I have. No wonder I could relate,.. And of course by the end of the movie I was sobbing. When I see her and the girls in that hospital,... bars on windows,... the stark white of the wards,... it triggers me. I have been in enough hospitals to know that they may all look different on the outside,... the inside is always the same. And this movie brought it all back. 

I think another reason I am drawn to this movie is the time period. Almost all of my favourite movies and series all take place in the sixties and seventies,... a time period I loved and miss so much. So just the whole feel of this movie was reminicent of my childhood. The same music,... the same clothes,... it brings it all back with a flood of sadness. This movie has always been one of my favourites. But watching it again this afternoon I am reminded again of why. The mood,... the feel,... the whole scene is so comforting to me. 

I wonder whatever became of Susanna Kaysen? I wonder if she struggled with the rest of her life? I don't think Borderlines ever recover. Look at me. If I haven't got my shit together yet ~ I'm not going to. Life is always going to be chaotic for me. 

Mental illness. It ruined my life. And now I'm tired. I just want it all to end and go away.