Where is God?

My faith in God has been shattered. I grew up in a Christian family. My adoptive parents attended Church regularly. One of my very first memories ever of being with the Morgans is of me in Sunday school when I was just a toddler. Throughout my life my parents were involved in our church. So believing in God was a deeply ingrained belief. When I had my own children, I made a point of bringing them to church too so they could have the same upbringing. In short - I did what I was suppose to do,... so where are you God????

During my life I tried to be a good citizen. I obeyed the laws. I paid my taxes. I tried to be kind and nice to people. My life wasn't easy. After my divorce I was never able to find my footing and the rest of my life was not living,... but struggling.

I volunteed countless hours to PBSO and Cancer Society. I volunteered in the church nursery to do my part. I always tried to do my part.

But i have fallen on very hard times. And now I need help. But anyone reading can see I have been shouting for help for the past few years. But I seem to get overlooked or fall through the cracks or I dont' qualify,.... whatever,... I just don't seem to get what I need to exist. Not enough money,... no transportation to get anywhere,... nad now the final straw - no doctor to get medical help for all my accumulating problems. 

I dont' expect my family to take care of me,... I don't expect my government to take care of me (as I have seen they aren't) but what I did expect was not to be thrown away to rot becasue I am mentally ill and therefore not wanted. Not even by my GOD.

My life since I got hit by the car has deteriorated rapidly. I have lost the use of my hands,... I can't feel my right arm or hand,... and the fibromyalgia was sent into a dive I can't get out of. And I am doing it all alone. I feel like I have been abandoned. I get my family dont' want me. I am a mentally ill monster they don't want in their lives. i get friends dont' want me either. It took 60 years to realize that I am not a likable person and that in the end noone actually liked me. They were all just humouring me and being polite. My own daughter has come right out and said - I don't want you in my life. 

I get it - I am not a likable person. I get it - I am mentally ill. So I get PEOPLE leaving my life. But where is GOD?

Over the past week I have been tieing up loose ends. Closing old accounts I don't use. Throwing everything away I own. My apartment is almost empty now. Now the only thing to go is me.

All the red tape of my life has been deleted or thrown away. Like I never even existed in the first place.

But now the big question. When I end my life,... where will I go? Is there really a GOD? Becasue I have been told over and over again that if I am just a good person I will be taken care of by my God when I am in trouble. 

But even God deserted and abandoned me. Left me to rot in this life I can no longer look after myself in. Leaving me with only ONE ANSWER to this miserable life.

SUICIDE - and now that my life has been deleted,... cancelled and thrown away it is time for my actual body to stop living.

I leave this world sad that I was such a nobody that I had to end my life in complete despondancy that I meant nothing to anyone.

I was just a soul that should never have been born.

And today I leave this world wondering,...

what did i do that was so awful I was forgotten about and left to rot??

What did I do that was so awful I am alone and unwanted and unloved?

What did I do?

I guess it doens't matter now. The question now is how long will it take before anyone realizes I am actuall dead?? I'm curious to know how long it takes anyone to realize I am not around. becasue I ahve not left this apartment in 3 months and noone has noticed. 

I am invisable.

I am unwanted,... unloved,... unliked and therefore I just need to end this mistake of a soul.

But GOD? I asked for your help over and over and over again.

*** crickets *** 

How on earth is one suppose to have any selfworth when GOD doesn't even care,...

I am the most useless unwanted person alive right now. 

I have my rope and dog leash now set up

I only hope it works,...