Timne to say good-bye

I am sitting here trying to will myself to end my life before midnight. I do not want to see ~ let alone have to struggle through ~ yet another year.

So while the rest of the world counts down the minutes to midnight for a celebration,... I sit here,... TERRIFIED,... because I know what I must do. And time is counting down.

I cant let this pain go on any longer,....

It has to be done before midnight 

Please God,... PLEASE give me the courage to finally hang myself and end this miserable horrible life. The rope is hanging there,... I jsut need the courage!!!

PLEASE finally give me the courage to end my life

tonight

before midnight,...

so I never have to face another year ever again,...

Where is God?

My faith in God has been shattered. I grew up in a Christian family. My adoptive parents attended Church regularly. One of my very first memories ever of being with the Morgans is of me in Sunday school when I was just a toddler. Throughout my life my parents were involved in our church. So believing in God was a deeply ingrained belief. When I had my own children, I made a point of bringing them to church too so they could have the same upbringing. In short - I did what I was suppose to do,... so where are you God????

During my life I tried to be a good citizen. I obeyed the laws. I paid my taxes. I tried to be kind and nice to people. My life wasn't easy. After my divorce I was never able to find my footing and the rest of my life was not living,... but struggling.

I volunteed countless hours to PBSO and Cancer Society. I volunteered in the church nursery to do my part. I always tried to do my part.

But i have fallen on very hard times. And now I need help. But anyone reading can see I have been shouting for help for the past few years. But I seem to get overlooked or fall through the cracks or I dont' qualify,.... whatever,... I just don't seem to get what I need to exist. Not enough money,... no transportation to get anywhere,... nad now the final straw - no doctor to get medical help for all my accumulating problems. 

I dont' expect my family to take care of me,... I don't expect my government to take care of me (as I have seen they aren't) but what I did expect was not to be thrown away to rot becasue I am mentally ill and therefore not wanted. Not even by my GOD.

My life since I got hit by the car has deteriorated rapidly. I have lost the use of my hands,... I can't feel my right arm or hand,... and the fibromyalgia was sent into a dive I can't get out of. And I am doing it all alone. I feel like I have been abandoned. I get my family dont' want me. I am a mentally ill monster they don't want in their lives. i get friends dont' want me either. It took 60 years to realize that I am not a likable person and that in the end noone actually liked me. They were all just humouring me and being polite. My own daughter has come right out and said - I don't want you in my life. 

I get it - I am not a likable person. I get it - I am mentally ill. So I get PEOPLE leaving my life. But where is GOD?

Over the past week I have been tieing up loose ends. Closing old accounts I don't use. Throwing everything away I own. My apartment is almost empty now. Now the only thing to go is me.

All the red tape of my life has been deleted or thrown away. Like I never even existed in the first place.

But now the big question. When I end my life,... where will I go? Is there really a GOD? Becasue I have been told over and over again that if I am just a good person I will be taken care of by my God when I am in trouble. 

But even God deserted and abandoned me. Left me to rot in this life I can no longer look after myself in. Leaving me with only ONE ANSWER to this miserable life.

SUICIDE - and now that my life has been deleted,... cancelled and thrown away it is time for my actual body to stop living.

I leave this world sad that I was such a nobody that I had to end my life in complete despondancy that I meant nothing to anyone.

I was just a soul that should never have been born.

And today I leave this world wondering,...

what did i do that was so awful I was forgotten about and left to rot??

What did I do that was so awful I am alone and unwanted and unloved?

What did I do?

I guess it doens't matter now. The question now is how long will it take before anyone realizes I am actuall dead?? I'm curious to know how long it takes anyone to realize I am not around. becasue I ahve not left this apartment in 3 months and noone has noticed. 

I am invisable.

I am unwanted,... unloved,... unliked and therefore I just need to end this mistake of a soul.

But GOD? I asked for your help over and over and over again.

*** crickets *** 

How on earth is one suppose to have any selfworth when GOD doesn't even care,...

I am the most useless unwanted person alive right now. 

I have my rope and dog leash now set up

I only hope it works,...

Iam so done now

I woke up with my hands in so much pain I could barely use them. Myright arm - I STILL can't feel. Small everyday chores I struggle with. Brushing my teeth I don't have enough strength or dexterity to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube. I can't put my hair up as It's so painful to do. Doing dishes,... every single chore I do is PAINFUL.

obviously damage was done to my hands or they would have healed by now. The accident was in FEBRUARY! 

I am fed up with the pain and I am not going to struggle with it anymore. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

Dear Doug Ford and Justin Trudeau:

I have no doctor and I am going to end my life becasue life is now too fucking hard. Even hiring a lawyer has just ended up screwing me by losing my ODSP. Without a doctor I have NO MEDICAL records for this case and therefore it is impossible to make a case. I LOSE and get nothing.

I CANT FEEL MY ARM! 10 months later! I am fed up.

I am done with being invisable. If this world won't help then I just end my life.

I am going to end my life today becasue i am sick of having NO HEALTH Care except calling 911.

I AM IN PAIN and I can't take it anymore so I am ging to end my life today by hanging myself.

If help was coming - it would have arrived by now. But it's been nearly a YEAR and no health care. No doctor,... no meds,.... no recovery which leads to NO CVASE which means I am FUCKED.

It's all planned now. I've had all night to think about it as I couldn't sleep due to PAIN.

But the only way to get the pain to subside now is to end my life which will stop the pain.

I am angry today so it will be easier to do. I have no desire to be a part of a world that leaves someone without medical care to fend for themselves when they physically can't.

I have been DUMPED by mty society so they won't care when they find me hanging on the back of my door with my old dogs leash. It's all planned becasue there is NO RELIEF IN SIGHT.

I have nothing but pain and poverty.

By the time anyone gets here I will be dead.

Thanks world for ignoring me,.... all I wanted was a fucking doctor to get better,.... but I was an invisable nobody who I guess didn't deserve that,...

So don't dare turn around and say WE WOULD HAVE HELPED becasue if you were willing to help? Where the fuck have you been?

I am out of time and patience and the ability to cope so fuck you all I am done

Goodbye 

I don't know what else I could have to be heard,.... I tried for a YEAR! But I am invisable and unwanted and unloved,....

So fuck you world ~ I am done

Just do it and it will all be over

I tried to have a good day. I woke up way too early again - five o'clock. But dispite the un-Godly hour I made coffee and started my day. I didn't feel too bad. I spent the morning watching football. I taped a bunch of games over the past few days so there was lots to watch. My friend Becky surprized me with an early morning phone call. I wasn't expecting that. Becky is one of those eternally cheerful people so a chat with her was uplifting and cheered me up. I wasn't doing bad. It really was just another Wednesday.

But as the afternoon progressed my mood started to sink. I couldn't change a channel without having Christmas festivities in my face. I tried to steer clear of all things Christmas but this society really does ram it down your throat. You can't move without seeing all the happy families enjoying the holidays. Every show,... every movie,... and the more I tried to avoid it - the more it seemed to hit me in the face. By three oclock I had tanked. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness. It seemed to be on a level I have never experienced before. And by the afternoon I was paralyzed. I was so sad it had completely enveloped my body as well as my mind. I took to my bed and felt numb,... I just lay there starring at the ceiling. I had shut down.

When I woke up at dinner, I was hoping to feel brighter but instead I had a crushing feeling of doom. I felt so heavy,... the black fog had descended and I am paralyzed in it's grip. 

The silence from my children has been heartbreaking. The final realization they mean it. They don't want me in their lives. And if they were ever to reach out,... this would be the day. Isn't Christmas the season of love and forgivness and putting everything in the past? For reaching out to loved ones? I didn't dare reach out to them. I couldn't bear one more rejection. But I hoped,... 

But as the day neared it's end - with no phone call,... no text,... no email,...  Instead just a quiet that hurt my heart. And with each passing hour my phone remained silent I fell deeper and deeper into despair. 

I am a self harmer. But I have not cut in a few years now. But today has been hard. So hard. I have my scalpel and I want to cut. I want to release all this pain and hurt and sadness. I am beyond broken now and I need to cut,... one slice,.... just one deep slice,.... 

and all this could fade away into oblivion and I would finally feel nothing,...

I can't deal with the pain of this day. I need to cut.

Noone should ever have to live a day like I had to live today. Alone and sad and knowing noone wanted you for Christmas,...

NOONE wants you at all,....

so just cut!!!!!! One cut and it will all be over,... 

Completely at the end and have nothing left

I am so low this morning I don't even know if I want to write. I feel so empty,... alone,... unwanted,... and I just don't want to be here. Breathing right now is painful,... I don't mean physically,... I mean just being alive is hard work and a struggle I just don't have the energy for anymore.

Yesterday was the last straw.

I hate living in this building. Infact I am packed and ready to go when I find a new place. But as I have discovered over the past year there will be no new place. This is the bottom of the rung. The next step is homelessness. 

Living here is so unsettling for me I would rather choose DEATH than live here. When you get shouted at "Go slit your throat and die cunt" and "Go hang yourself bitch" it really effects your character. Every time I run into Tonya or Darren I am triggered. And you can't trust anyone here. I had to buy a doorbell camera to protect myself from theft and Darreb stealing my Housing Letters left in my slot. The doorbell camera fixed the stealing packages at my door,... but as I wrote about yesterday,... I am still getting them stolen. I am still in disbelief that someone who lives here and knows me could steal my package 2 days before Christmas. There is no morals in the people who live here. So I have choosen to HIDE away instead. So now I feel like I am in a prison. Trapped in my unit 24/7 alone. 

THIS IS NOT A LIFE. I feel like a prisoner! But the difference between me and a real prisoner is I haven't done anything to deserve this. Except become disabled and end up in this building.

So today - all I can think about is DYING. how to die,...

Hanging? I have the rope, I just can't find anywhere that would hold me in my apartment,....

Overdose? I can't get my hands on fentanyl,... or anything else lethal

Jumping? Can I die from jumping from my third floor balcony? Pobobly not

Poisoning? What? What can I get my hands on that would work? Bleach,... sounds very painful

The gorge? This one would definitely be fatal so it's still in the running,...

Slice my wrist? Most people don't die,...

Slice my throat? You better hit the corotid artery,....

Suffocating? A bag over my head and duct taped so I can't remove it,....

The only thing I am sure of is that I have to die,...

Now,... thats all I think about,...

What can I do to die??

 

All I wanted was one thing,... just one thing,....

 It's happened again. My Amazon order of $113 STOLEN. I just can't believe the mentality of people who live in this building. I was given some money by my cousin this Christmas for groceries. With what I had left over I made an Amazon order. All of it was boring stuff. Just things I needed for around the apartment. Toiletries, etc,... EXCEPT,.... one thing. MY Christmas.

I am not even celebrating again this year. Christmas day to me will be just another Wednesday,... No decorations,... no gifts,... no turkey dinner roasting in the oven. Just me ~ alone ~ like any other day. So in this Amazon order I made, I decided to treat myself to one Christmas gift.

It wasn't expensive - just $24.99. I can manage that. So I ordered it. I thought I would have one thing that I could look forward to for Chirstmas. My book on Messi. So all day i have been waiting for this order. Following tracking as there is a snow storm and I knew it would be later than normal. So when I see that it is 'one stop away from your delivery' I get ready. I get the apartment lobby phone so when he gets to the lobby I can answer that phone as he dials my aparatment. But no buzz came. (?) I was literally standing out in the hall looking out the window and saw his car (not truck) pull up, him get out, go into the building (where I could no longer see him) and then under a minute later I see him come out and get in his car and drive away. Still no buzz up. So I go on my Amazon account and sure enough the driver has changed it to "DELIVERED". I read his instructions. "Handed it to the customer". I have not received anything. So now the red tape starts. I have to call Amazon and get to the bottom of what happened. They contact the driver and he says "I handed it to a yonng man who said he was on his way up to see that customer and would be happy to take it up for me"   You have got to be kidding me. So the driver handed my $113 order over to what sounds like someone who smiled and stole it. And THIS is what I mean by the mentality of the people who live in this building. It's CHRISTMAS and that was my one and only thing I was doing for it. And now - I don't have it. YOU COULDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE A BOOK? I dont have Christmas,... I dont have my family,... I dont have anything,... except I wanted that one book.

I think I am cursed. Nothing ever seems to go right for me.

To the "MAN" in the lobby who smiled and stole that large box - I hope you have a Merry Fucking Christmas,...

As for me,... I'm fucking done. This is just fate that I am a loser that apparently doesn't even deserve to have one tiny thing on Christmas.

Becasue it was stolen by osmeone who is going to open it and see nothing useful to them so they will probobly just dump it.

Merry Fucking Christmas to me!!!!!!!

I'm done. this is fate that it is just time to give up and disappear,...

On my last legs,... just can't go on

 

I cannot tell you how depressed I am today. I see no future whatsoever. Look at this picture. It is my livingroom. This is where I spend about 18 hours a day. Sitting in that chair watching tv. It is the most depressing room to be in. And today with the weather being so overcast, it just makes it all the more morose. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life in that chair? You can't go anywhere,... and you can't do anything,... you are sentenced to sit in this room until you die.

There is not one Christmas item at all. It is bare. It is clean,... but it is bare and uninviting and honestly I dread waking up every morning just to know I have to sit in that chair and rot for the rest of the day. No money to go out,... Just sit and rot.

Can you imagine living here and never going out? Can you imagine not celebrating Christmas? Can you imagine never seeing anybody or talking to anybody? Just alone - a recluse - hibernating away becasue society doenst want me.

I hate my life. I just want to die. I am so fucking depressed and despondant today I just can't bear it

Not even weed is saving me anymore

My day does not usually start off well. Infact,... I usually start my day unsettled,... anxious,... and suicidal. I have my coffee and watch something calming on YouTube (like a cabin snowstorm scene) and the only way I can make this uncomfortable feeling subside is two things. Writing and weed. First I write in my blog. I purge every bad and negative feeling I have. I just get it all out. I don't care about punctuation or correct spelling. I am too busy trying to get all the jumbled words in my head out. Writing them down allows them to leave my head so I can start my day better. The second thing I do once all that is done is smoke weed. I know this makes me look bad but I don't have medications. So I use what I can for pain and anxiety. And what has worked for me is marijuana. 

My anxiety and mental state is so bad in the morning that I don't even want to get out of bed. I have to force myself every single day. Once up, I am not in a healthy state. I am sad. I am depressed and I am angry at my situation. I am NOT calm. Jittery,... like my nerves are raw. But once I have my coffee and write - I start to calm down. But it's not until I actually smoke weed that I start to feel better. I can't tell you how uncomfortable being mentally ill is sometimes. The anxiety alone isn't nice. And not being on medication you have to white knuckle it. So I choose to smoke weed. I know in an ideal world, weed would not be the best answer for me. But I don't live in an ideal world. I live on the bottom where I have to scrimp for what I need. 

I don't even like weed. I find it very dirty. The resin - the mess - it's disgusting really. And as someone with OCD, I find it even more gross. My bong is my best friend and worst enemy. But it works for me. So I put up with the ugly side of it.

The good side? When you live with constant physical pain that is relentless, you get tired. Imagine a toothache that never left you? So in smoking weed I get a few minutes where a wave of delicious pain-relief washes over me and I can RELAX my body. To not feel pain is better to me than any amount of money you could give me. It doesn't last long. A few minutes. But those are my relief minutes. The pain subsides and my body can relax and I can finally think straight. It's not ideal,... but it's all I have. 

The other thing weed does - and this is probobly the most important thing it does - Is it calms me down when I get suicidal. When I get up in the morning I am so depressed and sad all I want to do is die. It's a horrible and heavy feeling. But when I smoke weed,... for a short time my body goes into 'couch-lock'. No pain,... I feel like I am floating. And my stress disappears and my mind clears of all the problems,... I am normal for a few short minutes.

Weed is my best friend and my enemy. Because I know it's not good for me. The act of smoking my bong is probobly destroying my lungs. And at this point in my life I am smoking about a dozen bowls a day. That can't be good for my body. But even knowing this I still use it. 

Without it I simply couldn't deal with the pain.

But now it is an expense that I am struggling with. It isn't all that much really. I pay about $80 an ounce and that lasts me a month. So it's cheaper than alcohol or tobacco. But it is an expense that I could do without. But I can't. The pain on days I don't smoke weed is unbearable and I can't do it. I won't do it.

But I am getting tired of smoking it. The smell,... it's dirty,... it can't be good for you,... the money,... it's just a monkey on my back I could do without. I am not a 'stoner'. I don't like people even knowing I smoke it. It's not a social thing for me. It's a necessity. But it's one I'm tired of now. Infact I am tired of my whole damn life. The pain,.. the poverty,.. everything.

I am finding even with my weed,... it's taking more and more to get me calm enough NOT to feel suicidal. This isn't living. This really is just pain. And I really do just want to disappear and have it all go away,....

I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning alone to be reminded of how noone wanted me at their celebrations. I couldn't bear that. A person really can only take so much before they start to break down. I have been breaking down ever since my accident. And now I am at the end. I don't want to go on anymore. I don't want to struggle in pain anymore,... I don't want to be alive anymore,...

I just need to die and finally feel relief from all this pain

Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is fentanyl,....

MAiDs is a scam

MAiDs ~ Medical Assistance in Dying

The more I research and learn about MAiDs, the more distrustful I become. I ended my MAiDs journey ~ not because I decided I now wanted to live ~ but because after a negative attempts to get help from them failed I gave up.

The first doctor I had an assessment with left me hanging for so long I gave up and seeked out a second doctor to work with. The second doctor that I had an assessment with did the exact same thing. Just ignored me and never ever got back to me. When I had that assessement with him I asked for his card as he left but he suspiciously said "he doesn't give out his phone number for this" Again,... what? It sounded a bit convoluted and unprofessional. Almost under ground secrecy???? He can't give me his phone number? He's a registered DOCTOR. It seemed a bit hinky so I just walked away. I ended up sending him an email which I guess he trusted me to have that,... saying "I guess I don't qulaify but thanks for not letting me know" and walked away from MAiDs altogether. I still haven't heard from that doctor (??) 

I read these articles that say MAiDs is too easy to get. WHAT? It makes me realize that it is an inconsistant organization. From what I can research, it depends on what province you live in. Ontario? My experience is ~ probobly won't get it. But Vancouver - people are suing them for doing it recklessly and too quickly. 

When I reached out for the help to end my life it was a difficult decision and harder to pick up the phone and actaully start to plan it. For these MAiDs people to not take me seriously was unprofessional and devastating to me as now I have to find my own way to die.

I wanted to be safe when I die. I wanted it to be the way I wanted to go. But becasue this organization never intended to help me then i have to ask - why adveritse that you will and go through the painful assessment interview only to leave us hanging without an answer. That is CRUEL. I think they signed up to be MAiDs doctors but are so terrified of legal prosecution that once in - they paniced and didn't actually want to perform any deaths. So they just pretend they are helping but their help only proved to be leaving me hanging without an anwer of yes or not. LIMBO. 

Today I spoke with someone from one of my dying with dignity groups and guess what happened to her? Same bloody thing. Had the painful assessemnt interview and then never heard from that doctor ever again. She too, was just left hanging.

So, I think MAiDs is just  a scam. They want to look like they are being empathetic and will help us when they really don't want to. And thats ok if they don't want to. Just don't make us jump through the hoops to be left hanging. Not even the descency to say no. Just left wondering,.. waiting,.. until one day you realize your not going to hear from them. 

And this has caused a lot of pain amoung us in this group. And now all of us are saying the same thing. Well FUCK THEM then,... we'll jsut do it ourselves. What are they going to do? Arrest us after we're dead because suicide is illegal? 

MAiDs may as well just shut down that organization. The members aren't even on the same page and the acdeptence is completely dependent of geography rather than need.

FUCK YOU MAiDS! I continue to research how to do it myself. 

And I refuse to be alive by Christmas.

I am seriously spirraling now,...

Do not want to be alive,....

I just sit here and think of ways to die,....

THAT'S how desperate and miserable I feel,...

I seriously just want to be dead now 

I just want to be dead now

I am still very upset and all I want to do is DIE!

But instead I called a local physiotherapist office and left a message. If my lawyer wont' get me PROPER help - then I'll get it myself. It's about $50 to $100 an hour but I am willing to give up paying rent and food so that I can get this long-needed help. I will end up honeless but I am going to be homeless regardless anyway,.... so why pay rent anymore,... may as well just keep it and spend it on physiotherapy. I am now waiting for them to call me back. It's not in Toronto or even close to my lawyer. It is LOCAL to me. THIS is who I should have been offered in the first place. NOT my lawyers cookie cutter everybody uses the same physiotherapist no matter what their case or where they live. But I needed someone who understood fibromyalgia and she DIDN'T. 

So at this point I don't give a shit what my lawyer does. I will get my own help and pay for it myself at the cost of rent and food.

I also want to see a psychiatrist. It has to be a psychiatrist as they are the only ones who are allowed to prescribe medication. But after calling one I discovered you need to be referred by a family doctor. There is NO WAY AROUND THAT apparently. So without a family doctor I own't get what I need!!!

I am desperate to get on meds - but I refuse to go the CMHA route. (Canadian Mental Health Assoc.) as past experience has taught me that I will get help for a month or two and then dumped with no more meds just to be right back where I started. And going on and off meds is WORSE than not being on them at all. I need a psychiatrist but with no family doctor I will not get one. I will not get my meds. I am so fucking angry right now I really don't want to go on.

I just want this all to go the fuck away and let me die!!!!!!!

Just help me to die! If they really want to help - then help me to fucking DIE! 

I am not on meds all becasue i don't have a family doctor,....

I hate this world and I hate my life and I just want to be dead.

Can someone help me with THAT!

I am fed the fuck up

I have not been sleeping because of the pins and needles and numbness in my arms and hands. It's impossible to fall asleep with. Tonight I went to bed but only tossed and turned due to my arm and pain. In the end I got mad and got back up. 

WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO FEEL MY ARM AND HAND AGAIN?

I was so mad I did something I don't regret (yet) but might in the morning. I wrote my lawyers law clerk. Because he doesn't let me near HIM. Only his law clerk. So I emailed her that I am fed up and I have no faith in their care they have offered me and instead I am going out to get my own. I will hire my own mental health care (a private psychiatrist) and my own physiotherapist and they will both be HERE IN TOWN where it is convenient for me. NOT in Toronto where it is convenient for him - my lawyer.

I didn't ask them to help anymore. I told them I had no faith in my case in that office but at this point I have no choice but to get help for my arms and hands so I'll just do it myself. I am requesting that they cover the cost but if they don't,... well,... like the rest of my life I have no choices as I have no money of my own. If they don't pay for help for me to get physiotherapy and mental health help then I am done.

I don't know how much louder I need to shout to this world that I need help because I can't feel my arms and hands!!! The 3 hours a week of home care help they offered isn't going to help. I need my hands FIXED! I need physio with someone who understands fibromyalgia.

DOES ANYONE NOT UNDERSTAND I AM SUICIDAL and this case is not going anywhere and I am not getting the help!!!!

What the fuck do I have to do to get my arm fixed????

I'm ready to fucking jump off my balcony just to get some fucking relief. I hate my lawyer and I hate that every goddamn thing in this world costs a fortune that I just dont have. If you dont have money - you lose!!!! Your a nobody and you just have to drag yourself through life

And I am so fucking done....

This is just not worth it ~ I can't even fucking sleep anymore it's so uncomfortable. 

I am so fucking DONE!!!!!

Grateful

I have two things on my mind this morning and they both involve gratitude. 

As I sit here looking out my window I can see that it is cold. Canadian cold! The falling snow doesn't melt upon hitting the ground. It blows across it. You can see the tiny swirls of white blowing around. As a girl raised in Canada I know this means it's cold! It's still quite early yet so it may warm up by sunrise but right now I am huddled up in my blanket trying to fend off the chill in the air. And this is how I came to be thinking about gratitude. 

I have been homeless. But I am not right now. And as I look outside at this frigid morning I am so grateful that I have this blanket to snuggle up into. I am grateful I have an apartment with heat. I have been homeless and know life without these needs and it was miserable. I did have a car at the time and even though that is what saved me - it is still miserable to have no home. So this morning I can't help but feel gratitude for the warmth I am enjoying.

The other thing I have been enjoying is food. For the past three days I feel like I have been feasting. I am used to rationing my groceries so that I don't starve but I dont' get the luxeries I used to. Meat,... produce,... and the treats. But over the past week I have been blessed with an abundance of these things. I have eaten a whole thing of raspberries,... blackberries,... blueberries,... I have eaten steak! And in between these things I have had chocolate. My addiction. I now have lots of treats. And I have been enjoying every mouthful. I am pretty sure that if I am to weigh myself in a month I will have put on a few pounds. And I am ok with that!

I seem to keep fluctuating between feeling grateful to the people who have gone out of their way to be kind,... but also feeling extremely low becasue I miss my children so much. I feel absolutely hopeless about my future and therefore I just don't want to live anymore. I live a life of always wanting to die but also grateful for what I have while I wait for that to happen. 

I admit that for the past year I am miserable in my character due to my situation now. It's difficult to be happy when your in pain. It's hard to be motivated or content when you live a life of lonliness. Theres a lot of pain in my heart. I once used to be bubbly and loved to laugh. Now I rarely smile. I am sad all the time. But that doesn't mean I can't be grateful for the stuff I do have. And today that is a home and food. 

But even that is in jeoperdy. Once my insurance payments run out ~ I am fucked. So I feel scared all the time. I constantly sit on the fence of "do I wait until I am evicted for not being able to pay rent?" or "Do I just end it all now and get it over with" because either way, it is crystal clear - I have no future.

So I spend my days in limbo. Trying to fill up the hours in my day while I watch tv. I am just sitting in God's waiting room. Do I wait until I find myself under a bridge with a garbage bag of my most precious belongings? Or do I find the courage to get it over with now?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?,...

Because right now I am just in pain,...

Waiting for the fallout

This is just a rant (and evidence) so you don't have to read,... I just need to get this off my chest. 

The mail strike has ended and I was expecting a few things that were back-logged so tonight I went down to the lobby to see if it had arrived. I was walking down the hall and infront of Tonyas apartment her cat was lying in the middle of the floor. No big deal. I love cats. I just steered my walker around it and went to stand infront of the elevator which is directly infront of Tonyas door. Her door was wide open and she was sitting right there in the hall with her phone. When I was standing there waiting for the elevator I glanced in her direction and saw she had her phone focused on me so she was probobly video taping. I don't care. Tape away. I'm not doing anything. But I lifted up my phone and pointed it at her face to show I could see she was taping and so I mimicked her. As I got on the elevator I said outloud "and who are you calling a welfare whore?" which she definitely heard. I wanted her to know I had heard her rude comment she made the other night.

When I got to the lobby Darren was there waiting for a ride. I didn't say a thing - retrieved my mail and left. Why do I keep running into these people? I am only out of my unit about 5 minutes total a day!!!

Back up in the elevator I had my video going in preperation for what I might find when the elevator doors open. In the hall was her cat in the middle of the hall still,... another neighbour standing right infront of her door talking to her. There wasnt' a lot of room for me to get my walker by but NOONE MOVED. I didn't say excuse me and they didn't offer to move. So I just steered around them going in and out of people and cats. I didn't say a word and kept walking.

The reason I am writing this out is because I know it's not over. When she sees me,... it's like a lightbulb goes off and she says "Oh yeah,.. I haven't lied about her in awhile. Here she is. What can I say she did?" (which is exactly why I video tape every move I make outside my apartment). She will be complaining to housing I said something or did something and housing doesn't check. If they did ~ I would show them all the video but they don't want to see that. They just accept what she says is true and then they send out a nasty letter telling me to stop.  So it will be interesting to see what she tells them I have done. It's all on video though. NOTHING. Nothing happened. Nothing was done. The only thing I said was "Who are you calling a welfare whore" which is not against the law or any rules. But she will embellish this and have it so I verbally attacked her. So this uneventful run-in is over in my mind. But I am expecting a letter from housing once again telling me to stop whatever it is she is going to blame me for. KAREN! KAREN! KAREN! 

I have it all on video Tonya so don't even bother anymore. Just pretend I don't exist ~ and leave me alone ~ and we will both be happy.

But this is why I hate it here and why I have choosen to literally hibernate away from the rest of the world. Because when I DO go out there. Tonya happens,....

Now,... I will be restless for a few days waiting. Too many times police or someone show up after a fairy tale she has told. So now,.. after every time I see her. I can't relax for a few days. I don't know what is coming. And even if nothing does,... past experience has shown it has many times before so i don't know it won't again so i can't rest. I'm always walking on egg shells here waiting for an accusation from Tonya. It's not a nice existence. So,... maybe we should all take bets. What will she say I did this time???????

I am just so sick of living in a what feels like a pre-teens dormatory!

Anyway,... had to get that off my chest so that if an accusation does surface - I have the video to prove she is lying. 

Absolutely dreading Christmas

Another grey day. I didn't post yesterday. I was actually busy. Theres something I never get to say anymore - I was busy.  I got a call from Becky saying she wanted to drop something by. I was taken off guard as she had already brought me a bunch of groceries a few days earlier. So I was wondering what more she could have! I was having a very non-motivated morning so I was still in my pajamas. But an hour later she dropped off 3 huge boxes of groceries. Apparently the woman who owns/works at the grocery store in Elora had made a gift box of groceries for me. Beckys husband used to work for her and they are still friends. I have never met this woman and even now I don't even know her name. But Becky must have told her about me. So she gifted me with all this food. And I can see by looking at it all that she took a lot of time and care in what she packed. It really was a gift I needed,... and appreciated. Not only is my fridge and pantry full but my freezer, which I had to redo twice just to get everything into it, is overflowing to the point things fall out when I open the door!! In the 8 years I have lived here I have never had so much food. If we get hit with some lockdown or crisis in the world - I can get by for 3 months without even needing to buy anything. For someone who struggles financially this is a GIFT. Half of my life is spent stressing about getting stuff I need. THIS just gave me peace of mind for a few months. 

I know I am not celebrating Christmas this year. The pain of not being with my children is just too much. I find it easier to just give the whole holiday a miss. Instead I will spend the day alone again. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. But I have learned you have to do what you enjoy to make the day your own. I enjoy football. So I will have all that weeks games taped and I will sit and watch football for the  morning. In the afternoon I plan on watching every Christmas episode of Call The Midwife. My favourite show. I love all the characters and when I watch this show I feel like I am HOME,... silly I know,...  I think there are 13 Chirstmas episodes in total so that should carry me through to the end of the day. There is a frozen turkey dinner that Becky brought so I will thaw that out and have a nice dinner with cheesecake. I think the secret to getting through this day is to NOT THINK. Just carry on like it is any other day. If I start to think about my girls,... I will spiral down into a rabbit hole that will have me suicidal. So I have to work hard at pretending that December 25th is just another day like any other day.

Where it gets me though is the smell. I can hide away inside my unit and pretend it's just another Wednesday. If it weren't for the smells. Everyone cooking their Christmas dinner. I remember last year taking my garbage out to the garbage room and practically salivating at the aroma of all the turkeys cooking in the ovens,.. it just smelled so good,... It's hard not to picture families all sitting around a table laughing and enjoying Christmas. No doubt about it ~ it's a difficult day to get through. I am NOT looking forward to it. And it's only a week away.

I do hope my girls have a nice holiday. I am devastated that I won't be there to watch my granddaughter open her presents and enjoy her first REAL Christmas. I can't bear thinking about what they will be doing. Where they will be going,... who will all be there,... I just torture myself if I do. So I have to shut that door. Just shut it up tight and not think about it. I literally have to pretend I don't have family. It really is the only way to get through that dreaded day. I really do hope my granddaughter has the magical day I believe her parents will give her. I am just devastated I won't be there to see it for myself. 

I'm finding that tv is hard to watch right now too. I am having to avoid programs with toddlers in them. As I have tried to watch them but every toddler in the program just seems to be my granddaughter and I just start to cry as I miss her. (Can you miss someone you have never even met?) It just turns into "I'll bet that's what E****** would be doing" or "I'll bet E****** would love that too!" and in the end I just torture myself. So over the past few years I can't even watch tv with anything reminding me of my granddaughter. So I stick with the shows I know and love. 

I have been having a problem with my emotions the past while. My mood can change in an instant. One minute I'm watching something on tv that has me crying,... or laughing so much I pee,... which isn't so bad except I can go through a range of these emotions in just a few short minutes. And when I have an emotion it is intense. I am finding it hard to control them. I know that all I need is a simple mood stabalizer. But in order to get that medication I will have to jump through THEIR hoops to get it. So instead I just live without. If I had a family doctor I would just ask her for that prescription and she would write it out and it would be done. But with NO DOCTOR I will be forced to call CMHA and they make you go through this ordeal of a two hour intake meeting and then several appointments after that. And then after a few months,... they dump you. Your meds run out and you are back to where you were a year earlier. NO MEDS. So I'd rather just white knuckle my mental health. Not very comfortable or nice,... but I refuse to go through their hoops just to get a presecription that will run out in a year and you have to start all over again. TOO MUCH WORK. I'd rather just have out of control and intense emotions.

For someone who had such a great day yesterday,... I feel quite down and almost suicidal today. Even though this week has been alright,... it doesn't erase my unpredictable future. Homeless. No ODSP. No future,.... a few nice days can't take away the stress of what I'm facing in the new year. No ODSP,... can't pay rent,... homeless,....

Christmas may be a time which most families look forward to with great anticipation. But I am dreading it. All I can see is my family having a wonderful day without me. And not because I can't get there,... but because I was never invited,... because they don't think of me as part of the family. Because they didn't want me there.

And that just leaves me suicidal,...

Because all I see in my future is lonliness,... poverty,... pain and once my insurance payments end from my accident - HOMELESSNESS.

2025 does not hold anything for me but misery.

And thats how I am feeling today. Hopeless and suicidal.

 

Tonya does it again

I like propping my door open and tonight just as I had opened it I hear the gossip (who lives four doors down from me) come out of her unit with her son. She very loudly (obviously wanting the whole floor to hear her) yells "Who the hell cooks spaghetti at nine o'clock at night? The welfare whore?" I guess they were leaving and she was locking her door while her son pushed the elevator button. They couldn't have seen me or known my door was propped open. Did she know she was shouting and the whole floor could hear her? Or was she just mad (she sounded quite ticked off) and loud? Whatever,...  she was NOT HAPPY about the smell on our floor.  I just sat here smiling. It just proved to me what I have thought all along. She thinks she is way better than the rest of us on this floor because she works! She is the only one who has a job while the rest of us are either on ODSP or some kind of benefit. She works at McDonalds as the hamburger builder. I guess she thinks because we all are on benefits she is better than all of us. I'm not sure if that lovely "welfare whore" statement was directed at me or just a general whoever she deemed the evil culprit who dared to make spaghetti at nine o'clock at night on our floor. But she was definitely annoyed at this! But the derogatory "welfare whore" shows her disrespect for people on this floor who are on benefits and struggling. It wasn't a nice commnet to shout so loud everyone could hear. Definitely low class and right up her alley. 

But let me bring you down a peg or two there Tonya,... I may be down and out. But atleast I havent put hamburgers together for the past 10 years,... I point that out becasue your just the same as the rest of us - not better becasue your not on benefits. So stop with the WELFARE WHORE. Calling people that just shows your class ! low

Since I started my self isolation back in the fall I have healed from her and Darren. I think I did exactly what I needed to do. Shut them out so they can't bother me. And something happened while I was sequestered away inside here. I stopped thinking about them. I stopped because I stopped running into them so much. I am hiding and it is working. Now they don't bother me at all. And tonight while I was sitting here calmly watching my show I heard her. But it just made me smile. I don't know who was cooking that damn spaghetti but I thank them. Watching her get so ticked off over something so dumb was humorous. I'm not the only one that ticks her off then. I wonder if she will write to housing and tell them she is angry that someone had the audacity to cook (it was really only about quarter after 8) but she yelled nine o'clock. 

It was so KAREN!! I wish I had got it on video,....

I know you will read this Tonya so calling people welfare whores says so much more about YOU than it does the poor person on welfare you were angry about,... Your low class never lets me down.

dreaming my way through a snow storm

I am sitting on my porch. The sunrise peeking up over the horizon of the lake. Steam from my coffee floats lazily in the air. The sound of the forest sings gleefully at the rise of another day. This is my home,...

don't I wish,...

But I did have a good daydream this afternoon about what would make me happy.

I need to be away from Fergus. Out of this social housing,... out of this town,... out of the whole system. To MY OWN little place where noone can threaten me with eviction. 

I need to be with people who have the same interests as me: football, motorcycles and NOT the city. I want to be with people who prefer the cottage over Las Vegas,... 

I need to have animals in my life. A dog ~ maybe two

I want to be with people who love to watch football,...

But instead I am in the wrong place with the wrong people. 

Where are the people who watch soccer??? Where are folk on motorcycles??? I never found them here. And now it's too late. Now I'm a secluded recluse. You can't meet new people sitting in your apartment starring at a tv all day. You need to have a life. Go out there! Do things,... meet people,... but I can't do that anymore. And I'm too embarrassed to have anyone inside my apartment if I did. 

I just can't help but think that life has passed me by. I didn't find my place and I never did find my people,... I was too busy struggling to keep a job and just get by. Now that I have the time, I don't have the money or the ability. My chance has passed by. 

More and more I just can't help but think I am in the wrong place but it's too late. Once your in 'the system' you will never get out,...

So instead I dream. I dream of being back on the back of a bike. Riding all over Ontario. I dream of going to games at BMO Field with all my football friends,... I dream of my cabin on the lake,.. with my dogs,...  but sadly it's all just dreams.

 

Thank you cousin "L"

I had the best afternoon! And it's all thanks to my cousin "L". Because of her I was able to take out my soccer streaming site FUBO once again. Last month with a heavy heart I choose to cancel my subscription due to the rising cost. I felt that money would be better allocated in groceries than entertainment. I went one month without games and it was miserable. But when I saw on the Premier League schedule that my team was playing their rivals Manchester City my heart skipped a beat. A DERBY! I didn't want to miss that game. So even though I had planned to spend that money on food,... I changed my mind. I have a full fridge and pantry this month so I was good. I went for football instead. I took out a 6 month subscription so I know I have it no matter what happens in my life financially. 

Over the past five years I have lost so many of the things I enjoy doing. And I always said that football would be the absolute LAST thing I would let go. I would be holding on to that as long as I could. But when I had to let that last thing go I felt like I had died inside. So my cousin has just given me a gift bigger than she will ever even realize. She has given me back my football! 

And today I watched my game. And they WON! It was one of those games that was good. But we were losing up until the last few minutes and then scored ~ TWICE to win the game. I jumped up in excitement punching the air! It was an awesome game! 

And when I calmed down I realized,... that was the first time I have enjoyed myself in MONTHS. So I think seeing how happy football makes me, I will keep it a priority in my budget. You can't take everything away from someone. You have to have something that keeps you excited. And Manchester United have proven they do that for me. I can't seem to give them up. So in knowing this,... I think I will not feel guilty and just thank my cousin "L" and enjoy.

I desperately need something to enjoy,...

The Derby

Today is a big game day. It's the Manchester United v Manchester City Derby. But I don't have FUBO anymore so I can't watch the game. But I am watching all the Podcasts on YouTube pregame. I am trying to give up my football as the streaming is just too dear now. But I am finding it hard. Football is one of the last passions I was holding on to. And now that I have cancelled FUBO to save money ~ I am hating it!!!!! NO GAMES to watch. So I may end up taking Fubo out again,... no willpower at all,... I just can't go without my Manchester United. My days now are empty and long. I NEED something to do. I NEED something to keep me distracted and busy. And for many years football (or soccer to us here on this side of the pond) has been a great distraction. Considering how low I have been over the past year, I think I need to hang on to SOMETHING. Because this empty days of doing nothing is killing me. I need something to fuel my passion,... something to make me get up every morning,... something to keep my spirit from dying inside. And for me, that is FOOTBALL. I have been systematically cutting out everything from my life to cater to my tiny little budget. Over the past five years I have been cancelling all my fun stuff I used to do to keep me content. Football was the last thing to go. But it's only been one month and I am really missing my games. So I think I am going to break my own rule and take FUBO back out. 

I just can't quit my Manchester United.

 

Memories of lavender

 At 61 years of age I suffer a lot of body pain with my fibromyalgia. One of the ways I try and ease that pain is with a hot epsom salt bath. About a year ago I discovered a product I love. I use it three times a week. When I received it I wasn't expecting the scent that wafted out of the bag when I opened it. Lavender. Not just a light scent,... but lavender oil. A deep heady smell. And it instantly brought me back to a memory from years ago.

When I was a child one of the things our family would do was to go ot the annual Canadian National Exibition in Toronto. My Dad was a british gardener. And one of the things he would do is go down to the horticultural building every year at the CNE. With him I would hold his hand so as not to get lost in the overwehlming crowds. We would look at all the plant and flower displays. He would tell me what each plant was but I never remembered. I was just happy to be spending time with my Daddy. It was during one of these excursions when I came across a lavender display. We stopped to look at all the beautiful arrangements. The smell was everywhere. It hung in the air thick. I remember breathing it in and telling my Dad that I loved lavender the best. So he bought me this little ornament. Which over 50 years later I can't actually remember the ornament itself. But it had lavender oil in it. It smelled delicious and I carried that thing around for the rest of the day. Every once in awhile getting the faintest whiff of it as I swung the bag playfully around. When I got home I put that ornament on my shelf in my bedroom. It sat there until I left home after getting married nearly 20 years later.

Back to the present,... I had bought this epsom salt with lavender oil in it. When I opened the seal the thick smell of lavender emit from the bag. And I was instantly brought back to that memory of my Dad and I at the CNE when he bought me that lavender ornament. Over fifty years later that smell still comforts me with feeling safe with my beloved father.

It's funny how powerful smell can be when it comes to memory. Plasticine,... lavender,... chlorine (from all the hours of swimming in the local rec centres),... bonfire smoke from all the camping we did as a family,... crayons,... all these aromas bring me back to a time from my childhood. Happy days when I felt safe and carefree and loved and wanted. Maybe THATS why I love the 1960's and 1970's the best. My childhood. Because it ended up being the only time in my life when I felt safe and loved.

A few years ago while I was in the transition of losing my spousal support and being forced to go onto ODSP, I was suddenly smacked in the face with what REAL struggle is all about. After a few months of this new-found struggle I made a comment on Facebook that mad eme lose my childhood friend. I am going to give you an example of WHY I said what I said,...

"The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here,..."

I was not thinking of any ONE individual. I was stating that I am really feeling the effects of REAL poverty now and it's so much harder than when I was middle class. I was not talking about anyone. I was talking about the situation.

And heres what I mean as just one example: My front teeth. One of my front teeth overlaps another just slightly. Many years ago I got a cavity in between those two teeth and when I was still working and had money I got it fixed. They drilled out the cavity and put in a filling. They even made the filling white so it wouldn't be noticable. Roll on years later,... This filling has fallen out leaving a black mark. It's noticable everytime I smile. A black mark. It looks like I have food stuck in between my teeth, No amount of brushing makes this black spot less noticable. Now if I was middle class I would go and get it fixed. but I am not middle class,... I am poor. I have no dental coverage of any kind. I had bare minimul coverage on ODSP but I LOST my ODSP which means I have lost dental care too. So now if I want to see a dentist I have to pay out of my own pocket. And with my budget I couldn't even afford the taxi over there. So yet again,... I jsut leave it alone. I walk around looking like I have food stuck inbetween my teeth, I had the same thing happen with dental work a few years ago. I was told the care I needed,.... they found out I don't have the fancy coverage most people have and therefore they DOWNGRADED my care to what I could afford. 

"The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here,..."

Honestly,.... THAT IS ALL I EVER MEANT

But a friend of mine messaged me and said I couldn't post that statement as the people in middle class who work so hard might get offended. Her and her husband work damn hard for their money,... blah,... blah,... blah,,... she totally missed the point of what I was saying. I think if she had messaged me with "What is that suppose to mean? and I could have told her what I meant, things would have turned out better. But she just thought of herself first. She thought I was putting her down and saying she didn't work hard. HOW she saw that I don't know. It was an innocent comment about poverty. I was offended becasue instead of her saying,... what do you mean? Are you struggling? Are you hurting for money now? What is going on with you that you would post that?" but no,... she right away went to "That will offend people" She didn't see my poverty or strugglin in that post. Only that I would offend the middle class. 

So I have lost dear friends over my poverty. For people to be offended over that comment rather than see I must be struggling now I am on ODSP,.... they thought of themselves first. They didn't want to look bad so I must delete that post,....

And whenever you advocate for poverty you run into this all the time. People refuse to believe that anyone could be that poor and therefore I must be exageratting. If they have never lived or or can't imagine it - it must not be true. WE EXAGGERATE. So instead of empathizing - they were offended I would dare voice the truth. 

I was friends with this woman since we were TWO years old. And now we never speak,...

Anyway,... while brushing my teeth this morning and looking at that hideous black spot on my front teeth - I just couldnt'help but think what a good example this is of what I meant by "The middle class have it so much easier than we do down here,...' The middle class only have to hop in their car (that they own) and rive down to the dentist where they have their fancy coverage and they get it fixed. In other words,... they have it easier,.... and THAT is all I was trying to say.

But instead I lost 3 childhood friends. Who couldnt believe I actually just meant they have it easier,....

Up at two in the morning,... *** sigh ***

My sleeping has gotten out of whack. Because I was awake so early yesterday, I went to bed early, which caused me to wake up at two this time. So again I am sat here in the middle of the night wide awake. I suppose it really doesn't matter though. As someone who never leaves my apartment and rarely sees anyone, I guess it doesn't matter when I sleep. I live in my own world now with my own clock.  I've always enjoyed the peace of the middle of the night. It's so quiet. The hustle and bustle of activity is gone and a quiet hush settles over the building. 

Most of my days are so empty I am desperately looking for anything to do just to pass the hours away. Time is my enemy. But yesterday I was able to fill up those hours and in the end it turned out to be a good day. My cousin "L" stepped in and transferered me some money so I was able to do a good grocery shopping. The one big stressor I have in my life is trying to get groceries. I don't have a car,... I can't always walk and taxi's are a joke in this town as we only have ONE! So you can't rely on him when you have frozen foods and waiting. (I was once told it would be over an hour,...) So at the beginning of the month - every month - I go through this stress. How am I going to get the things I need this month? After I get paid I wait patiently for a good weather day when I have no pain and there is no snow on the ground so I can walk to the store. But those 3 things rarely aligne preventing me from getting out. So I instead have to fall back on delivery which I hate. I want to go TO the store and pick out my own shopping. But I haven't managed to do that since September. 

I am getting cabin fever and need to get OUT!

Anyway,... this month was no different. I was trying to get to Walmart myself but pain and snow has prevented me from doing that. So yesterday I finally broke down and put in a grocery order from Walmart. I usually take two or three days to fill my cart and then when I think I have everything I click on check out. And thats where I was when my cousin "L" got in touch saying she would like to pay for my groceries this month. Which she did. So I was able to do a massive shop. $226.00 ~ a months worth of groceries! I was able to get meat and bacon and chocolate and muffins,... all treats I normally don't get. And now I have a completely stocked fridge and pantry. This is such a good feeling. The stress of looking out the window at a white wonderland and wondering how on earth I would be able to get supplies was giving me anxiety. It's the same every month. But now,... this months groceries are done and I no longer have to worry about it. I am thrilled. AND I get treats all month!

Housing came and fixed my heat. I am lucky that in this building maintenence is very good about fixing anything we have broken. I know I have lived in other apartments where the landlord doesn't even remember your alive except to take your monthly rent cheque. But here they take great care of the building. It's something I have always appreciated. So now my heat is back up working as it should be. With the extra money I got from my cousin "L" I got on Amazon and ordered myself a new portable heater. There not too expensive and I use it every day in the winter. Sometimes when the weather drops to minus 10 or more, I just need that extra heat in here.

So with my grocery order and the maintenence visit my day was full. And I was content. If I had something to do every day I think life would be a lot better if my mind was active and busy. It's boredom that eats away at me everyday. I need things to do to be happy. And yesterday proved that just one or two things to do everyday can make all the difference. This sitting in my chair for hours and hours and hours just watching tv is slowly killing me. I am a "do'er" - I need to "do" stuff. But for the past few years there is no money or transportation to do anything.

Life needs to be LIVED,.... and if your not living it,.... then what is the point?

I need a life!!!

Wrestling with my thoughts

 God 

I was rasied a Christian. My family were not zealots but they had a quiet faith and we attended Church until we were old enough to decide for ourselves if we wnated to go or not. As a teenager I had stopped going. but I came back to it after I was married and had children of my own. I thought it was important to give my children that faith base the same as my parents did for me. I raised my girls in Sunday school and the Protestant United faith. But as you know,... after the hardships I have faced, I lost my faith in God and renounced his existence. 

How can there be a God? The movie star Frances Farmer from the 1930's to '50's. But what I can remember most about the biography I wrote of her was an essay she wrote as a teenager in high school called "God Dies" I don't remember the whole thing. But I do remember her talking about a hat. How she prayed to God to find her hat. Which led her to the more exestential thought of why would God help her find her hat when he allows mothers and fathers to die? I've always remembered this. And it is the reason I am so conflicted in my faith right now.

How can I believe in God when he took away my children? Would a kind and loving God do that? And in my frustration of my pain and poverty and loss of my family,... I angrily denounced my faith in him. HOW can there be a God when,... so much horror exists in this world. It's a quesion theologians have been asking themselves since the beginning of the time of Christ.

How can a loving God let bad things happen to good people? It's a question I struggle with. I have told myself there is no God. But I guess my faith is engrained so deep I just cna't let his existence go. Even though i say he is not real,... I find myself praying to him in times of despair. So I guess in my heart of hearts I still believe. I don't want to as it's easier to explain the abandonment of so many struggling. There is no God. There. Easy. But if there is,... then WHY does he allow so much despair in this world?

I will never understand and right now I am still 'upset' with him and can't bring myself to go back to Church. My faith is a constant dilema these days. I think if I had to say where I was with it, I would have to admit he exists. But I don't like how he is selective with who he seems to 'see'.

But having said that,... in times of trouble,... someone,... somewhere,... seems to step in at the fianl minute and helps. Is that God? Is that fate? is that coincidence?,....

I think I will always believe,... I have to,... because to think there is no God when I die is just too awful to think about.

I have my grocery order made. It is apparent that I am not going to get out to get them myself so I made another delivery order from Walmart. Because of the high delivery charge (high for ME anyway) I only order groceries once a month. Now because I will NOT be celebrating Christmas,... I spent about an extra $50 on treats. Bacon, meat, chocolate, muffins,... things I don't normally buy. Merry Christmas to me. Because I don't normally eat these things it will be a treat. And because I don't eat a lot at one time, I can make these things last. I'm learning to freeze things now. I never used to buy bakery goods as living alone I had to eat the whole package or it went stale. But now I freeze things like muffins, etc,... I wish I hadn't given back that freezer I was given. (At the time I thought I was being evicted so gave it back to the person who bought it for me). I only have one small freezer, But I make do. I take everything out of the packaging so I can fit in a lot more. 

I don't plan on doing anything else for the holidays. I have no decorations anymore. So there is nothing Christmas'y in this apartment. But thats alright as I would just see them as a reminder of what I am missing. If I don't see Christmas ~ I can pretend it's not there. So no tree,.. decorations or gifts. But I thought I would at least get some treats in the way of groceries.

So even though my monthly total is higher,... I dont' care. I'm not going to feel guilty about a few chocolate bars and some muffins. 

I have shingles again. I have been annoyed with the itch for a few days now. But theres no point in going to the walkin. In this weather I couldn't get there anyway. But even if I did,... without ODSP I have to pay for my medication now. I would rather just deal with the itch and pain than waste money on prescriptions. But it has been uncomfortable for sleeping. The itch is mainly on my back and I can't reach it to scratch so at times I feel like I'm going mad with it. I don't know what is up with me as this is the 4th time I have had shingles in three years. 

It's not even ten o'clock yet and I am bored. I plan a "All Creatures Great and Small" marathon today. I'll follow James Herriot across the Yorkshire dales as he tends to the annimals. I loved these books as a child. I watched the first series way back in the 1970's and now I am enjoying the present series. I love animals,... and the country,... and England,.... so it's the perfect show for a cold December day. I will cuddle up with a blanket and Maggie and transport myself to the past,... a time I love much more than the complicated present.

So,... roll on James Herriott

*** PS. Just at the last minute my cousin, one of my handful of angels, contacted me and is paying for my December grocery order. Again I am blown away by the kindness of people who are willing to part with their own hard earned money to help others in need. Thank you to L,.... you have saved me more than a few time,... and it doesn't go unnoticed ***

What is up with four o'clock? This is the third morning in a row I have woken up at 4. But once I am awake I can't get back to sleep so I got up. It's cold. My apartment heat is working but just,... I think it is only working halfway. The thermastat won't climb higher than 21 degrees. But I know from living here for 8 years now, that when it gets to minus 10 or below my apartment feels cold. I have windows that take up that whole outside wall. This is normally a great thing as it gives me so much light. So important for someone who suffers from depression. But when it gets cold the wind seems to howl through them. I have blinds and curtains which help. I had a little portable heater but it died yesterday. (Why do things break when you need them the most?) I have put in a call to housing but that was Wednesday. Hopefully I'll hear from them today. But I do still have heat. And living in Canada where the temperatures can drop really low, I am just grateful to have a home, heat and running water. I will always be grateful for that. It's just that in weather like we are having today in Canada,... you just appreciate it all the more.

But I am troubled for the homeless. Doug Ford ~ the man I love to hate ~ The Premier of Ontario ~ has done it again. Proven that he has no regard for the disabled and poor. He is passing some legislation to dismantle all the homeless encampments. The irony of this would be humurous if it weren't going to be fatal for some people. Doug Ford is the one who won't pay these people enough to keep a roof over their heads. So a lot end up homeless. BECAUSE of him. And now he wants to not SEE them. So he wants to get rid of them.

Doug!!!! These are human beings. They cannot just make themselves invisable just because you don't want to see the PROBLEM YOU CREATED. You want to see them off the streets? Pay ODSP and OW recipients a realistic wage!!!! You can't live off of $1368!!!! THATS why they are all HOMELESS!

It infuriates me expecially now that we are learning about so much corruption and money mishandling from his office. WHY are people homeless in the first place? Because ODSP and OW does not pay enough. There isn't enough in that monthly wage for rent. 

So Doug Ford instead of finally SEEING the poor down here,... is now brushing them all under the carpet. Poor and homeless are dirty and we need to hide them. In his mind they are not his problem and need to disappear. 

And people like myself would rather just end our lives than live his poverty. Doug Ford wouldn't last 24 hours homeless. He is far too priviledged. And maybe thats the problem. He has no empathy for anyone unless they can scratch his back while he helps them. It is already coming out in this RCMP investigation that he is underhanded and loose with the rules and has definitely greased the pockets of his rich friends. I guess in the coming months we will finally see how and just how much. And what the fianl bill will add up to. But as someone who lives in his poverty its infuriating that he helps the rich and brushes the homeless under the carpet leaving them to fend for themselves. 

The poor and homeless are DIRTY to this government. But maybe they should sit up and look in the mirror because THEY are the ones who put most of these people in this poverty. I struggle and have no life at all so some of Doug Fords friends can go on a few more vacations every year. Hes as tight as a tick when it comes to releasing funds to people on ODSP and OW. And in the end he just throws us peanuts. It's not a livable wage at all. But he thinks because he gave us a 5% raise we are now living in luxury. That 5% increase didn't even cover the rise in our rent. But,... he is so willing to open the purse strings for his buddies. The rich. His friends. With OUR MONEY. The hard working people of Ontario and Canada. I think he thinks all the money in the budgets are HIS money and he can do with it as he pleases. Lord of the manor! It does leave a sour taste in your mouth for the Country you once loved and were so proud to have been born and raised in. 

This present government - Trudeau and Ford - are systematically destroying our Country. And we at the bottom are feeling it the most.

***sigh*** Life is heavy for people down here. I'm just so tired. I just dont want to struggle anymore. 

And if there is one thing I have learned over the past five or six years, it's,...

Once you are in the system ~ You will never get out of it

So close but still can’t get there

I don’t know if you can see it through the snow storm, but there is a Freshco ~ RIGHT THERE! Food! Groceries!!! But it may as well be in England. I just can’t get there,…

I haven’t been outside since September or in a store since the fall.

Cabin fever is a real thing