My world is very islolated now. I haven't spoken to another human being in awhile. This leaves me feeling very alone and unwanted. I no longer live in a day and night world. Because of my arm and hands,... I can't sleep. So I end up just dozing here and there. It has left me so exhausted.
I am feeling very fragmented today. I feel like I am fading,...
I was sitting here watching tv this morning as I do every other day of my life,... when I heard talking outside. I looked out the window to see a big Easter egg hunt going on. I guess someone in our building organized it. There are dozens of little tykes out there running around gleefully scooping up easter eggs in delight. If I wasn't so broken-hearted about not having my grandaughter in my life, I would have smiled and enjoyed this lovely scene infront of me. But instead I just got so sad I started to cry. THIS is what grandparents live for. Being with their grandchildren for these special occasions. My heart literally aches for my granddaughter,... and watching this egg hunt just broke my heart. So I had to turn away and close the blinds and shut the door and windows to block out the sound.
And this is my life now. Not being allowed to be a part of all of these family traditions. Why? Because I am mentally ill and a monster. My family has to self-care to protect themselves from my,... what??? My mentallness I guess. Whatever the reason it has left me completely alone in my misery. This is not a life. I am heart-broken,...
And Ontario Housing has done it again. This very nice NEW employee that came to my apartment 2 weeks ago??? Yeah,... the one who promised me help???
no help,... no calls came,... ***crickets**** again,...
Story of my fucking life. Forgotten about again,.... She made a great show of wanting to help. Soooo sympathetic,... She even looked like she meant it. But just like everything else in my life. Out of sight - out of mind - forgotten,.... she forgot about me,.... whatever,.... so used to it I don't even care anymore.
I made some phone calls yesterday. My plans are coming along. I am so serious about ending my life I am actually feeling some relief knowing this will all be over soon,....By the end of May ~ Jacqueline Rose Holyoak will no longer exist and I will never be anyones burden anymore. My family can 'tsk tsk' and tell everyone I was just so hard to live with. They HAD to self care,... it was so sad,... but they will asuage their guilt anyway they need to. But the bottom line is mental illness absolutely ruined my life and left me so isolated and alone I couldnt' bare it anymore. You go enjoy your lives Michelle and Hayley. My gift to you is never being in it,... leaving you alone to enjoy your lives. I ruin everything so this is my gift to you,.... peace.
But that leaves me heartbroken and alone.
Roll on Vancouver ~ It can't come fast enough,.... I just need to die
No comments:
Post a Comment