It is holiday Monday of an Easter long weekend. And yet again - I am alone. I spend every holiday alone now. I'm getting so usesd to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore. It's just another day to me.
But the one thing that does bother me on holidays is the smells in this building. The smells of cooking festive dinners. Christmas dinner,... Easter dinner,... Thanksgiving dinner,... When you are poor - you can't afford to cook elaborate meals like that. It would eat up your entire monthly budget and you'd have nothing left for the rest of the month.In short,... I just can't afford holidays. But just because I can't, doesn't mean others can't. So every holiday I have to put up with the delicious, festive dinners that I can't have. So a few months ago I bought a thick curtain and a tension rod which I put up in the frontdoor hallway. I don't think it does a lot of good keeping those smells out - but I try. And today, being Easter,... I just know I am in for a day of lovely cooking smells that I won't eat,.... It really does suck being alone every holiday.
While the rest of the world was enjoying their holiday, I continued cleaning out this apartment. I got rid of three garbage bags full of stuff. After I am gone, I don't know who will be left to deal with this - ME - the burden - but whoever it is, I will have as much of it done as I can. I have always felt like the biggest burden all my life, so I don't want to go out being a burden too. I will have as much of this place empty as I can before I go.
I am actually feeling such relief now that I have made the plans. Now that I know exactly what is happening, I feel relief. What does it say about my life when I feel RELIEF knowing I will be dying soon. And nothing makes me happier,...
Last night was a terrible night. The pain unbearable. I got no sleep. I can't - won't - REFUSE - to live in this pain any longer.
Roll on summer weather,.... I can't wait to get to Vancouver and DIE
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