It was with sad realization after my car accident that I knew no one liked me. Before that I had felt it, but didn't know if I was just being over sensitive or not. But after my accident when NOONE came to see me ~ I knew. When Hayley dropped me off at home I thought all was great and I was happy she had come to the hospital. When she dropped me off at home, we hugged and she said I'll come by Friday and see how you are,... and she left. I thought things were good. But two days later she never showed. I was in a bad state physically and I really needed help. She had let me down. And I knew,...
If people want to be in your life ~ they make the time
If people wanted to invest in your life ~ they would make the effort
If people had any feelings for you at all ~ they would defintely be there for you after an serious car accident
Noone was making the time. Or the effort,... I was left all alone to fend for myself and thats when I knew,... I am different. I am mentally ill. And navigating life was very hard for me. I had a very difficult time reading people. So I often said the wrong thing I think. But I really don't know,...
After I knew,... I isolated myself away. I was embarrassed. Humiliated to think I thought I was liked. All those people in my life were really just pretending. That hurt. So I choose not to interact with people anymore. Too painful. After my accidnt I hid away in isolation. I talked to noone. I never left my apartment. It was so lonely. But I didn't want to burden anyone with,... me.
But I couldn't do it. I can't live without my children in my life. But for your happiness -I choose not to be in it anymore. It killed me because to me, that is life,... my children. Nothing else will do. All the money in the world can't replace you girls. I don't want a man or partner,... I don't want anything but you girls. THAT's why I had you. To fill up my life. Without you, I am absolutely lost,... nothing to live for.
I have severe abandonment issues. I had so many in my life. That now I can't bear to lose anyone else. So I am choosing to be the one to leave.
I don't know why we couldn't get our relationships back when you came back into my lives. I never felt that REAL natural closeness I had with you girls ever again. I always felt guarded around you afterwards. I think I was afraid of losing you again. Manifesting reality. What you fear is what you attract. And I very much feared abandonment. Losing you again,... I also feared your father. It seemed everything I did with you guys was wrong. I felt afraid of doing something wrong or saying something wrong to you that would annoy him. I think the bottom line is,... I never felt a part of this family ever again. I was always on the outside looking in. Never invited to any events. Completely ignored like I didn't even exist. Out of sight - out of mind. That was very hard for me to take. NOONE LIKES YOU!!! I never got invited anywhere
So in the end I just felt it best to let you girls go. Giving you the gift of peace. My mother did it for me (eventually) by giving me to The Morgans. Then I had a good life. If I give you up by not being around,... you can have a good life.
But that doesn't mean I am happy about it. It broke my heart. And in the end I just couldn't live without you girls. Absolutely no purpose what so ever. YOU ARE MY LIFE
I wish I had been born with better tools to have gone through life. Been a better person. A person who people REALLY liked. Not just put up with. I wish I had been a better Mom. I'm sorry. I did try my best. I was often confused at how to behave or what to say. But I did try. And one thing I did get right was you girls. Both of you are beautiful.
I hope you both have great lives and you get everything you wish for.
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