Completely lost hope

 I have been couped up in this apartment again. I can't stand it. I feel like I am in prison. I don't want to live here anymore. But there is no money for me to move. There is no place for me to move to as I can't afford anywhere. The cost of rent has soared higher than my budget.

I have been priced right of living

I got a phone call yesterday from 'Ontario Health athome' which is an organization that helps people find a family doctor. You put your name on the list and when one comes up they call you. But yesterdays call was not to inform me of good news. It was just an "if you still haven't found a doctor - please let us know to stay on the list" call. Just a call to see if I had found a doctor or not. I don't like talking to them. The last time they called it didn't go well. They make you feel like it's your fault that they offer you a doctor but you say no. Last time they offered me a doctor, he was too far away so I declined. I told them I have no car or transportation so I need a doctor close to my home. This doctor was in Cambridge. When you have no car - Cambridge may as well be England. I can't get there. So what good is that doctor to me. But they sounded miffed like I was trying to be difficult. I'm sorry I'm poor and have no transportation. I live in a small town with no buses and ONE working taxi. I have NO WAY TO GET ANYWHERE. So I need a doctor ~ HERE IN MY OWN TOWN ~ so I can walk there. But by the sounds of things,... this will never happen as no new doctors have come to Fergus. It's a tiny town - I guess not very inviting to new doctors,.... ????? All I know is that call made me realize that I am NEVER getting a family doctor while I live in Fergus, Ontario.

So this has just validated my plan to get myself to Vancouver. There is no help for me here in Ontario. Infact,... the new woman who works at housing and promised me help?? Nothing,... it's been over a week and nothing. I know the wheels turn very slowly when your 'in the system' but I don't even care anymore. i don't even want them to get in touch now. I just want to keep on saving until I have enough to fly to Vancouver. 

Vancouver is now all I care about. I will say good-bye to my parents (who both died there) and hopefully meet up with my half brother Tony in Mission. After a week of a vacation - something I haven't had in 25 YEARS!!!!!! - I will find fentynal and say my last good-bye.

There is nothing left for me anymore. I have been priced right out of living,... and noone can take me in. It's time to take my final bow and leave the stage,...

I hate Ontario and this government. They have no respect or empathy for the disabled and have thrown them all away and left them to rot to fend for themselves. Fuck you ~ I refuse to live in that world. It's INHUMANE!!!!!  I instead CHOOSE to end my life for peace and finally a REST!

I'm so tired and I just can't be bothered to stay in the fight anymore