I went through hell in BC. And I know I did wrong. But I didnn't think it would cause me to literally get 'cancelled'. Friends on Facebook un-friended me. My 'handful of angels'? No longer get in touch and haven't for quite some time. They all hated that I threatened fentanyl and decided to let me go,... fair enough. But it has left me DEVASTATED. I was literally cancelled when I got back. People openly let me know they wanted nothing more to do with me. Again,... I get it,... I'm not the easiest person to love I think. You know,... the mentally ill monster thing,....
It is another long weekend here in Canada. And i am once again, alone. It makes me so sad.
I wa traumatized in BC. I am not going to talk about how and why but I still haven't dealt with it. I was spiralling while there and desperate and did things I usually wouldn't have done. Like Beg,... and ask for help,... and threaten suicide if I couldn't get off the street. BUT I TRIED MY BEST.
I guess when you fuck up that badly ~ people don't give you a second chance. But it's sad because right now is the time I need my family and friends the most. But they have stayed away.
People like me are just fuck ups.
Today,... while looking for something, I came across some stuff on my Holyoak family. It made me realize just how much I miss my Aunt Doreen and my cousin Tania. But they don't want anything to do with me. Noone does,...
And today,... I am feeling a very deep sadness for all the loses. SOOooo many loses,....
I miss everyone. But people dont forgive fuck ups like me. They just move on.
And I spend yet another long weekend alone
20 years ago,... I had everyone in my life. Now,... I have noone,...
Completely on my own.
Alone.
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