I'm drowning

I was just cleaning,... until I found a piece of Maggies cat kibble hidden away in my utility closet. There in the farthurst corner was the little brown kibble. I don't know how it got there. This place was thoroughly cleaned after I moved out to go to BC. I guess they didn't get all of this closet. Because there it is,... a little reminder of Maggie. I don't know why this hit me so hard but it did. I stopped sweeping and went into the livingroom. I looked around. So empty,... so quiet,... no other so

ul around. No Maggie. It suddenly hit me like a lightening bolt just how much I have missed her. I sunk to the floor and cried. 

I should never have gone to BC,... but i was drowning here in Ontario and had no life. 

I should never have put her down. I'm sure she could have hung on for another year yet,... but I put her down. All to go to BC for a better life. And now I regret it!!!! i want her back!!! I can't stand having her gone,... she was my soulmate. I had noone else. She got me through some tough times over the past 18 years. Her cuddles and purrs,...

and now all gone,.... all gone,.... just like the rest of my life,.... gone,..

I have not lived without a pet for my whole entire life. I have always had a dog or a cat in my life since the time I was a toddler. I don't know how to live without a pet. They calm me,... I get along better with animals than I do with people. I don't understand people,... what they want,... how not to upset them,... always walking on eggshells around them afraid of what you will do wrong to upset them. But pets,... they just love you. Their little souls fill your home and they become like a child.

Maggie and I were buddies for 18 years ~ and now she is gone,....

I am so alone. So miserable. Isolated in a world that is so hostile. I have no positives - no joy in my life at all.

All I wanted was a cat - but I couldn't even do that right. Now I have nothing,... 

My body is so broken. I am just so sad. 

I am such a mentally ill monster that I can't even be 'normal' enough to get a cat,...

your a nobody Jacquie ~ an invisable monster

There is absolutely NOTHING left for me on this earth anymore,...

I miss Maggie,...

I really fucked up my life and I just need to die now