Today has not been a good day. Infact, i am sitting here pretty much waiting for the police to show up. I had an appointment this morning with someone who was going to help me with all my benefit applications. But the meeting went downhill fast. I was not in a good mood as I never am anymore. I am feeling completely fed up with life and I didn't want to have to deal with benefits and charities.
After only a few minutes I gave up. I am so tired of having to jump through hoops for a benefit. To have to BEG for money to survive,... something in me just snapped and I said I am not doing this anymore. They can all keep their fucking benefits. I don't even want them anymore. And that is what I told this woman. I threw all my papers on the floor and told her I'm done. i don't need hers or anyone elses help as I'm not going to do this anymore. I told her I am just going to go through MAiD's. I then told her everything i am feeling about being angry about being so invisable and hated and unwanted. In the end, I didn't want her help and asked her to leave. Everytime she tried to talk I just said "I want to be dead now,... I just want to be dead now,... I just want to be dead now,..." until she left.
I have had enough of this suffering and I don't want to do it one more day. I just don't have it in me to live a life of benefits and charities and having to beg for basic needs. Something in me snapped and I lost it. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!! Keep your fucking benefits,... Keep your fucking charities,... keep your fucking applications with your endless questions,.... Keep it all!!!!! I don't fucking want it. If I have to beg to survive ~ then i don't want to survive,... i would rather just end the suffering and be dead,.....
I just want to be dead now,....
I just want to be dead now,...
I just want to be dead now,....
I just want to be dead now,....
I just want to be dead now,....
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