I have spent about $8000 of my settlement money. Some of it was used in getting back home to Ontario from BC. Hotel, food and travel expenses ate up about $3000 of it right there. Then I spent more refurnishing my EMPTY apartment that I came home to. Now my money is nearly gone,... wasted,... just surviving. I was really looking forward to that money to do something nice for myself. A vacation,... something I haven't done in 25 years. But I will get no vacation now. It's nearly all gone just surviving. I am not happy about this at all. I HAD TO GET HIT BY A CAR to acquire money to rebuild my life. I had TO LOSE THE USE OF MY RIGHT HAND to get that money. I will NEVER get the use of my hand back again. It's gone,... leaving me disasbled at best as I need my hand to do EVERYTHING. But I have lost the strength and dexterity but most of all the feeling in that hand. GONE,... never to return.
So I sit here looking around this apartment. At the cheap stuff i bought to fill it. Scouring the internet to find the cheapest stuff. And it shows. It's all Walmart and Amazon bargains. CHEAP,... CHEAP,... CHEAP,... It was devastating how much money I had to spend just to have the basic needs again.
I lost everything. I had to buy it all back,... and now I am going to lose it once again.
I now have to pay market value for this unit. Thats fine for the next 3 months as I have $4000 left of my settlement money but once the settlement money is gone ~ I don't even have enough to pay rent.
Which means I do not even make enough to survive.
So I am panicing,... overwhelmed,... I do not have it in me to lose everything once again. I do not have it in me to be homeless again,... I do not have it in me to even want to now. I have completely given up.
The feeling of being unwanted and invisable has become overwhelming. I am so depressed I can no longer function. I spend all day in bed now. Why bother getting up?? Theres nothing to do but worry.
Right now I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Life has become a countdown to when I lose everything ~ AGAIN!! How long can I survive on my settlement money? About 3 months. Which means come December I have no money left for rent. So the eviction notices will start.
I can no longer afford to survive.
Society has priced me right out of living,...
This leaves me feeling so isolated and alone and unwanted. All I want to do now is DIE. All my days consist of worrying and being overwhelmed and having panic attacks. This is torture and I can't take it anymore.
I am literally sitting in God's waiting room waiting to die. But now,... time is running out. Now there is clock ticking down,... tic,... tic,... tic,... My life seems to have an experation date and the clock is ticking down,....
How can I be so hated? So invisable? So worthless that I no longer have the money to survive??? How the fuck did I get here?
Life has pummelled me into the ground and I can no longer get back up to fight. It's over,... life won. And I was just another victim of poverty and falling throught the cracks of a broken system. And with no family or support,... I can't survive.
So with a heavy heart I know my life is over and it's time.
Noone will even know I am gone,...
I am just a grain of sand of billions of other people. Noone sees me,... noone wants me,... and noone cares that I am suffering in a system that can't save me.
I am so sad. So heartbroken that I am so worthless. My chest aches with the pain of being so alone and unwanted and worthless,...
I wish I had never been born
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