The cost of being an outcast

All my life I crashed through life tryng to fit in. Trying to understand what it is that people want or more importantly what they don't want,... My BPD clouds my judgment leaving me without the tools to navigate this society. And becasue I didn't know,... I did it all wrong. And now - at 61 years old - I have been left alone. 

I went through life so confused. Always trying to catch up. Everyone else had successful lives. Families, jobs, friends,... they all have reasons to live.

Not me. I spent my life wondering why people just disappeared. Now I know. I am a monster.

Knowing this has completely changed how I view myself. I used to think I was actually liked by some people. (Just polite people not wanting to hurt my feelings) The rest didn't care about my feelings. They openinly showed their disdain. Being an "unwanted" is a painful thing to be.

But I do have to admit that once you stop denying that it is everyone else and finally - honestly - realize that it is ME. Then that somehow helps. Becasue now I can behave accordingly. And by that I mean isolate until I can leave. Knowing that everyone dislikes me fucks with your head. But giving in and accepting this truth has allowed me to just give up entirely and just isolate away so noone has to deal with me.

But isolation has serious side effects. When a person has no contact with another human being - they change. I have not touched another person in months. I rarely hug anyone anymore,... (theres noone left to hug). And without looking up the scientific downfalls of no human contact, I can still tell you what they are becasue I feel them. I experience them. No human contact turns you to stone. My body used to crave other people,... crave contact,... interaction,... conversation,... I needed it to feel like I was a part of this society. But without it,... I just feel empty and paralyzed. I have turned to stone.

People need people,... 

But I have noone. My body craves love,... touch,... companionship. My heart aches because I know noone wants me. It's a deeply unsettling feeling you can't shake.

You are unloved. You could die tomorrow and noone would even notice. THAT does something to your soul that leaves you dead inside. And that is where I am now.

Completely DEAD inside

I hope noone else has to feel the hate of the world on their shoulders. Becasue it's horrible. Knowing people would rather NOT be around you is hard to take.

No wonder I hate myself and wish I were DEAD 

Just die already and get it overwith so I can just disappear,.... *poof* gone,...

and everyone is happy