I am NOT ALLOWED to go outside to the gazebo when Darren is there. Those are Marks words. THAT is why he accousted me yesterday. 

When I go outside to the gazebo - I can't even SEE who is outside as there are no windows that face the gazebo. I go out there when I am in pain and need to smoke weed for pain relief. There is no schedule,... there is no planned times,... I just go out when I need pain relief which is about 3 times a day. I pack up my walker and open my door and go out into the hall. It is only then that I can look out a window and see who is in the gazebo. And it doesn't matter who is in there. I go out anyway.

The gazebo is this compounds smoking area. We are ONLY allowed to smoke there and not in our units or anywhere else on the premises. So I am FORCED to use the gazebo.

Yesterday,... like any other day,... I packed up my walker and went outside. Mark and two others were in the gazebo as I walked out of the lobby to outside. Normally,... Mark just gets up and walks away. But not yesterday,.... yesterday he accousted me. I sat down in a chair inside the gazebo and everyone else scattered and he stayed which wasn't normal. I knew something was up. I could feel his anger. I didn't even get a chance to smoke.

He said "I got something to say to you and you are going to listen,..." and then he SHOUTED at me for 10 minutes strait. The whole gist of the anger was me coming out to the gazebo WHILE they (him and Darren) are already out there. Apparently I am suppose to stay away until they are finished. I am NOT ALLOWED to be around them.

He called me abusive. over and over and over again he kept saying you are abusive. I never see Mark or Darren and haven't spoken to them in a few years. So how do they even know what I do or say,... they don't. For the record - I am NOT abusive. I go out - I smoke - I go back in. I don't even talk to them - EVER!

But apparently Lord Darren is all in a tizzy as everytime he goes out to the gazebo - I seem to show up and then he HAS TO LEAVE. First of all,... he deosnt' have to leave - that is him playing the martyre. He is perfectly welcome to stay. I won't talk or look at him. I'm sure we could both be adults and be able to both sit in the gazebo at the same time. But Darren - who I failed to realize OWNS the gazebo and dictates who can and can't be in there - has said I am abusive becasue I don't follow Darrens rules. (who made him GOD?)

That makes me abusive???? I think he better look that word up in the dictionary. I come outside - they see me - they grab all their stuff and leave the gazebo and i go in and smoke. That is all that is happening. Yet,... that makes me abusive!!! So I asked him outright - how am I abusive??? "Because you know Darren hates you and you come out to the gazebo when we are there and you know you shouldn't" THAT makes me abusive????? 

Anyway,... I grabbed my phone and taped the whole thing. The man is delusional. He really does think I am suppose to wait for them to leave before I am allowed to come out and use the gazebo. 

I had to call the police in the end as he terrified me. He is six foot seven and a very big man. He was raging,... his eyes were bulging out of his head,.... he was seeing red he was so angry. I kept saying leave me alone - you are being too aggresive and scaring me - but he wouldn't stop. I left to go back inside but he followed me. Screaming at me the whole time. 

There was one thing he kept shouting that stood out to me and absolutely killed me. I don't know if he was truthful or just trying to hurt me but his words killed me.

"Noone likes you. We were all so happy when you left. Now your back we all hate you. NOONE likes you in this entire building. YOU NEED TO LEAVE"

And for the rest of the night and all of today all I can hear is "You need to leave",....

I cannot take this. I already feel worthless and hated and a waste of space. To hear him say this reached deep - I heard every word. Every. single. word.

The world hates me

The world hates me

The world hates me

And I just need to leave.

I called housing crying and left a message saying I will be smoking inside my unit from now on and they can evict me if they want. But I refuse to leave my unit as I DO NOT FEEL SAFE living here anymore. I again gave them my notice that I will be out by Octover 31st.

I no longer feel safe,... or comfortable living here.

But there is nowhere else to go.

And becasue of that - there is only one answer to this problem.

Kill myself.

Mark - thank you. Your a nasty piece of shit. But you finally got through to me.

I am a horrible monster and just need to leave.

So I am leaving

Fuck you world

I am so fucking done

SO FUCKING DONE

I will not see my 62nd birthday on September 7th. Infact,... my birthday present to myself will be to kill myself before then so I don't have to live another fucking painful year,....

I hate this building,... I hate the people in it,... and I refuse to be bullied by an entitled asshole who thinks he can dictate who and who isnt' allowed in the gazebo,...

I am done,...

You will find me at the bottom of the gorge

FUCK YOU WORLD

FUCK YOU WORLD

FUCK YOU WORLD