Only answer is death now.

For the first time - ever,... I don't know how to start this blog entry. Usually, I have words chaotically floating around in my head needing to get put down onto paper.  As a writer, and I use the term writer looseley as I am not even educated - let alone a 'professional' writer. I didn't even graduate from high-school (although later went back and got my medical) so I don't even know the proper way to write. As I have mentioned before,... I don't write pretty. I write out of necessity to get it out of my head. When something is on my mind it won't leave. It just goes around and around and drives me crazy. So many years ago I learned that if I sit down and write it all out - it turned out to be theraputic. Once out of my head and written down on paper - I could relax and go on with my day less all that anxiety. And so for the past 17 years, I have vomit my words onto this blog. If I printed out this blog - it would literally be my biography of navagating life with mental illness and all the challenges that brings.

I have been isolated from everyone since Mark accousted me in the gazebo. And even though the police couldn't do anything as "He didn't actually threaten you", there WAS a threat said. I took it as a REAL threat. "Stay out of the gazebo when Darren is in it - or else!" To me - that is a threat. If I go out there,... what will happen? I was scared enough to not try. To me? THAT is a THREAT. But he got away with it and now Mark sits out there all day - so proud that he has bannished me. That he bullied me and now has the gazebo to himself and I can't go in there. And all the people that were supposedly my friends? Didn't bat an eyelash,... they didnt' care I was banished and they quite happily sit with Mark like nothing happened. The people in this building _ me included - are all people on the fringes of society. Poor,... mentally ill,... druga addicted,... in short we all have out problems. And collectively,... that means a lot of personality conflicts. To me,... the gazebo has always been a war zone. Go out there at your own risk. And for the first 6 or 7 years it was ok. Not great,... but no fear. It wasn't until Darren and Mark and Trinity arrived that the problems started. (The young ones under 30 while the rest of us are 60 plus)  The people I have to sit with out here are not always good people. There is no loyality. Noone cares what happens to anyone else. They just putter on with life no matter what happens. If someone dies,... oh well,... move on. There is just no real connection with anyone here. Acquaintances we are forced to have to sit with. Only a handful I would consider "friends" but even then,... after Mark,... noone stood up for me and they still all sit out there like nothing happened. Not one person cared. THAT told me volumns,...

So I walked away. It just isn't worth my mental health to be bullied like that anymore. How can you reason with someone who calls you "abusive" because you come out to the gazebo when "Lord" Darren is out there and you know he hates you so you shouldnt' come out,... He honestly feels that he has the right to say this. He honestly feels that me coming out to the gazebo is deliberate and intentional. IT IS  NOT. I do not want to see Darren Green anymore than he wants to see me. But it is a public smoking area that I am forced to use. To me,... him getting up and leaving when I walk in the gazebo just makes HIM look stupid. Immature. Childish. The last time he did it - I said "thank you for the chair" and I think THAT is what pissed him off and set him off to the point he must have told Mark (his body guard) and Mark came after me. Becasue why would they suddenly be furious with me after 2 years? Darren read my blog and got pissed and this is the only way he had to retaliate. He sicked Mark on me,... no balls coward Darren - all 5 foot 3 of him - was scared to confront me so he complained to Mark knowing Mark would come after me. Real manly and tough Darren. It shows you for the bully coward that you are.If YOU have something to say - tell meyourself - dont' sick your 6 foot 7 body guard on me and hide while he is doing it.

COWARD 

All because I went out to the gazebo when he was out there. (I guess I missed the formal memo sayiing I was not allowed to do that) For that I was called "abusive" I think Mark needs to buy a dictionary and look up the word "abusive" as me going out to the gazebo for a smoke is NOT abusibe in anyway shape or form. Him and Darren are just raging ~ angry ~ men who need to  hate someone. The gazebo is basically a big "boys club". I am one of the only women who go out there. Theres a couple but not many. It's all men. 

I was CANCELLED and nobody cared.

So I have been banished from the gazebo and quite frankly I am not even going to try and go out there and see what happens. I know it will be fireworks and I will be attacked. I have nothing left in me to fight anymore,... so that is why I just gave up and walked away and let Darren and Mark do whatever the fuck they please. It just isn't worth my sanity.

But now,... my self worth is at zero. I wake up feeling sad every morning. Lonely and sad. That people hate me enough that I am not even allowed in the gazebo.

I am a worthless piece of shit that deserves nothing.

That is what the world sees when they see me,... and that is just too heavy a burden for me to carry anymore. I am already weighted down with so much more,... I don't have the shoulders to carry anymore. So I gave up.

The boys club can have their gazebo. The building can be blessed with me leaving. Noone will have to be burdened with my sorry ass life anymore,....

Although I do have to add a footnote as fair play to those who deserve it,... Tonya Halls - the bain of my existence for 8 years - has suddenly gone quiet. Since I got back from BC,... she has been completely quiet. No sarcastic comments,... no threats,.... no lies about me,... no gossip,... no complaints to housing,... infact,... the other day she actually seeked me out to tell me it wasn't her that stole my package. I knew that already. Tonya is a lot of things,... but she isn't a package thief. So I have to admit that atleast she has started to leave me alone. Why??? I have no idea. Maybe she feels bad for what I went through and realizes I need peace,... I don't know. I just know she has done a complete 180* and has left me alone. I can't tell you how much better that makes my life now. Why she treated me like that in the first place I dont' know but I am eternally grateful that it has stopped. Maybe she does have a heart and actually saw the damage she had done to me. But only Tonya knows,....

But that is all that has changed. I left this building in desperation as I couldn't live here anymore,... only to get thrown right back in here. I tried with everything I had to leave here,... but I ended up back. And it's different this time as now I know,... this is the cheapest and only place I can afford. If I can't live here - then there is NO PLACE FOR ME ON THIS PLANET and it's time to end my life.

No home is worth bullying and feeling like a hated nobody. I would rather be dead than be this "boys club" target. In short,... this isnt' life - this is literally SURVIVING and I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

If people are so intent on trying to hate me and make my life hell,... then why am I taking it? It's obvious noone around here wants me. And with nowhere else to go,... I just see death as the only relief,...

Blessed Death and peace,....

Maybe then they will leave me alone,...