This is not a life - it's torture

I think I am self destructing. I have been so beaten down by the system that I have become frozen inside. I have lost all hope and I have died inside. And I think what is happening is I am self destructing. Handing in my notice is my sub-conscious way of ending it all sooner. I can't take living here,... but theres nowhere else to go. The knowledge of this has left me hopeless. When I gave housing my notice that I will be out by October 31st,... I'm sure people raised their eyebrows and though why? Why would I give up a home after being homeless? The anser is,... because a home is not a home if you don't have a life to go with it.

I think my mind and my body have just had enough and by forcing myself to become homeless again will hopefully hasten the end for me. Living homeless is tough. It is a lot of wear and tear on your mind and body. And living in Canada - with weather that plunges to twenty below zero,... I won't stand a chance. Maybe,... my mind has had enough,... maybe my body has had enough,... and by living homeless the elements will just kill me off. Maybe,... subconsiously,... my life is so miserable I am actually actively doing shit now to make the end come sooner.

A home is only good if you have a life to go with it,.... 

And all I have is hatred and fear and poverty,.....

So October 31st I plan on walking out my front door and never coming back. With just the clothes on my back I will leave this prison and walk,... I have no idea where but I will just walk,... walk,... walk,... walk,.... 

and maybe there will be a big truck driving by and I just happen to get hit by it,....

I don't know what will happen. But I can't just sit here, day after day after day anymore,.... something has to change. At this point I don't care what it takes to get the fuck out of this building,,... out of the system and out of this fucking miserable life,....

but whatever it takes,.... I just don't care anymore. I am frozen inside.

I just dont' care anymore,....

I wake up every morning sad that I am still breathing,...

This is not a life,.... it's torture

I don't even care what 'the end' looks like anymore - I just need it to happen