Is it time to hang up the TFC gear?

Moving to British Columbia has left me with an unexpected dilema,...

I have been a die-hard supporter of Toronto FC since the team started in the MLS. Ever since 2017 when they won the league title,... they have been,... well,... crap. The team, in my opinion, is falling apart and has been for 8 years. I support them anyway,... but it does make it tough when they always lose for silly reasons.

Roll on BC. Vancouver has their own MLS team - the Vancouver Whitecaps. And the Whitecaps are on FIRE! They can't lose,.... 

If anyone knows soccer fans,... they aren't always the nicest of people. And becasue of this, fans usually buy seats in their teams section. Less fights with the opposing team. If I walk into BC Place in my Toronto FC gear??? I would probobly be beaten up!! Ok,... maybe not beaten up here in Canada,... but it wouldn't be pretty. I would be harrassed. And rightly so I guess.

So what do I do now? Do I give up on my TFC? Which would be so hard. Or do I continue supporting them and always lose. lol

I have decided to go with Vancouver. I know I am probobly being called a traitor,... and I get it. But I don't live in Toronto anymore. I live 4000 km away in BC. I think I should do as the Romans do and follow the locals.

I have ties to Vancouver Whitecaps as some of my favourite players have been on that team. Alphonso Davies for one. So it wouldn't feel like a complete betrayal. I do already like the players....

Oh what tangled webs we weave,... what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

I guess time will tell when I get there if I can actually put on a BLUE shirt instead of red,... 

SOOO much is happening today!!

It has been a day! It's not even six o'clock yet and I am exhausted. I still have a few people coming to look at items. So I'm sitting down and taking a break. Phew this poor old girl is tired,...

But the good news is, I did well getting rid of a lot of stuff. I emptied the storage unit and every cupboard and closet and brought it all out and put in in my living room. I put a sign in the lobby saying I was having a sale and people came. It was great. I think they felt kind of bad taking stuff so I had to keep reminding them that if they didn't I had to call 1-800-got-junk and PAY to have it removed. This helped,... it's down to about half now. It actually feels good to help people out. There is a yong girl here that is so cute. I was able to give her all my soccer stuff. I wanted it to go to a kid who would appreciate it - and she liked it. I may have even produced a new soccer fan!! (sorry Mom). I would have felt awful if I had to throw it all out. I knew someone would appreciate it all. 

And even though the small stuff I told everyone was free, some people gave me money anyway. It was actually kind of nice reconnecting with a couple of people I hadn't seen in months and months. Funny,... this morning, one of the women said she, too, is hiding because of all the nonsense that goes on in this building. So I am not the only one feeling that. And then not two hours later another person came in and said the same,... they too hate the gossip and stay inside their units. I actually chatted with dozens of people and they all had a story that TONYA told them about me. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Infact one girl even said Tonyas son was bragging to MacKenzie that they call housing on me all the time and he laughed. So there it is - TONYA said she doesn't ever tattle on me yet here her son just admitted she does. HER OWN SON just dobbed her in. Her own son just tattled on her,... so YES TONYA CALLS HOUSING ON ME ALL THE TIME!!!!  Boy it's been a good day hearing all these stories. It's not in my imagination,... TONYA does nothing but gossip about me apparently. One woman even said she never gets to walk away without hearing bad shit about me. What a loser,....But,...the joke is on her,.. Now, I get to leave, and she has stay in ONTARIO HOUSING remaining a 'welfare whore', as she so loved to call me.  It's not nice to hear all these stories about me,... but it does make me feel better that I am not the only victim of the nasty gossip and lies that go on around here. 

Today, some people have been saying they feel bad for taking my stuff,... you know what I feel like telling them,... money means nothing,... but next time Tonya opens her mouth and starts running me into the ground?? Maybe say,...

"You know Tonya,... we actually like Jacquie and dont' want to hear your gossip ~ so why don't you keep it to yourself" 

THAT is the payment I would love. But,... will probobly never happen. But not to dwell,... I am leaving and therefore it is no longer my problem. 

Oh,... I almost forgot. I had to call the police today! I was sitting in the gazebo with Trinity when the woman who hit me with her car drove into the parking lot here. The gazebo is in the middle of the parking lot. Dianne Kreller drove by,... with her window open and shouted "BITCH!!!" I dont' undersatand what this womans problem is. SHE hit ME! So why is she mad at me? Anyway,... my lawyers clerk suggested I call OPP non-emergency and get all of this on record for the case. Now,... I had to involve TONYA since she has done a lot of the shouting of "faker" etc,... as her and Dianne Kreller (the woman who hit me) are friends. The police took this much more seriously than I thought they would. So I think they are going to be talking to BOTH Dianne and Tonya. FINALLY!!! I get to call the police on her. Lets see how she likes it. She will flip out,... Good thing I'm leaving because now I am going to be hunted!!! lol  But serves them right,... thats what you get for being a nasty person. My lawyer is NOT HAPPY with either of them two and is ready to start legal proceedings on them as they are now trying to jeopordize the case. Good luck Dianne and Tonya ~ SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING HARRASSED!!! Why not try just,... I don't know,... mind your own business and shut up.

This building really is TOXIC to people. I am so appreciative of this chance to finally get out. I would NEVER have ever had an opportunity of escaping this if it weren't for Dianne. I owe her a lot. 

 

In pain but still happy

I worked very hard yesterday and I am paying for it today. When I woke up I could barely move! My whole body has seized up in pain. *** sigh *** I have so much to do and I won't be able to do it. This is fibromyalgia,...

Yet,... I woke up in a great mood. I haven't done that in so long I can't even remember how long it's been. I didn't realize just how much stress I was carrying until it was gone. It has made a difference in my whole demeaner. The anger is all gone! When I walked downtown yesterday, I said hello to everyone, even stopping to have conversations with others,... I haven't interacted with other people since last fall. And it felt good to be part of civiliztion once again.

I am back!

However I did get annoyed yesterday for this,... I called a pet place that does euthanasia. I was shocked - shocked! at the prices to put your pet down. They start at $650 and go up to over $1000. It all depends on the 'package' you pick. And here was the kicker,... they need me to have an initial $75 phone call. WTF? I'm not paying that kind of money to have Maggie put down. Even if I had it - I wouldn't pay that. That is downright gouging - playing on peoples feelings when their pets need putting down. Its disgusting. So I put in a call to the mobile vet I used a few months ago. I'm hoping they can do it for a reasonable cost. I will pay up to $500 but after that - your just being taken advantage of. It's already going to break my heart having to lose her,... to gouge me with over inflated prices is just wrong. Fingers crossed the vet can do it. Otherwise,... I have no idea what I will do. This is an unespected expense and I really can't afford it but it has to be done. 

But not even these things are getting me down today. It's cold and grey outside. I am in pain,... yet,... somehow I am smiling,..

I knew all I needed was to get the hell out of Fergus,... and now that I am,... RELIEF all round.

I feel as if my life has just burst open and I am climbing through to the otherside and seeing sunlight,....

Maybe there is a God afterall,...

So grateful for this opportunity

This day just keeps on getting better and better,... I did a lot of sorting and throwing out of my things. I am selling everything - I want nothing left behind. And hopefully I can make an extra few bucks for it all. Every penny helps. I am already up to $3000,... Sometimes I amaze myself at how well I can save. Even with nothing I can go without and save. Thank goodness I did as now I have the money I need to get there. I could use more,... for the rent,.etc,... but I am not going to worry about that right now. I know it will all eventually fall into place and be fine.

I chatted with Dianne on the phone and she seems just as excited as I do. I feel like a huge cement wall came down for me with this move. I have been so unhappy in this building that it was making me sick. Now that I know I am leaving, I feel as if a ten ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And suddenly I can feel again,... I woke up this morning with motivation. And all day I have been making plans. The excitement is starting to build now.

I can't help but feel this is a fresh start for me. I have needed to escape this enviroment for five years now!!! And to be honest, I didn't think it was ever going to happen. But it has,... and it is REAL,... and I am moving to BC.

The weather was so nice I walked downtown to the bank. I am paying for it now but I don't care. I just popped some advil and now I'm quietly watching tv. 

I just have to say that I am sooooooo Grateful to Dianne for giving me this opportunity. She literally saved my life,...

For the first time in 8 years ~ I feel FREEDOM!

 

I have the greatest of news

It is official ~ I am moving. OUT of Ontario,... Out of Ontario Housing,... out of the system,.... I am free

I am moving 4353 kilometers. From Fergus Ontario to Crofton British Columbia. And I can't wait.

I have been saying now for five years that I am suffocating here. I am not in my right enviroment. I knew if I could move out of this building and this town I might stand a chance. Everything about living here feels wrong to me. I don't feel like I belong. I am miserable.

So when Dianne contacted me with this offer to help me move to BC, I was almost afraid to hope. This was just going to be another promise that falls through. But as we chatted more and more, we realized that we could be helping each other out. She has a fifth wheel (thats an RV to us Ontario folk) that she is going to rent to me. She knows I am struggling so we agreed on a rent that suited us both. 

But here is the absolute beauty of this move. She is by the ocean. Infact,... she said I can look out over the ocean while I make my coffee. That is a luxury I have never had and will enjoy. There will be water everywhere. There will be so much nature to THRIVE off of that I won't even need tv anymore. (I am so sick of watching tv!) I don't even know if she has internet there and I dont' care. I will be in BC - by the ocean - enjoying life!!!

I emailed my lawyer again asking when i can go. I'm sure he wants me to stay in Ontario for this case so I need him to let me know when I can make plans to move. I think I would like to be there for June or July.

I am not bringing anything but the clothes I wear and my devices. All else can be bought once i get there. The rv is furnished so I wont need furniture. I may put some things aside to ship out later. But for now,... I can't wait to get the hell out of Ontario. I am making all the plans.

Only 2 things will make me sad. I have to put Maggie down. She is too old to bring with me. She wouldn't survive the plane ride. And at 18 years old she is ready. Old and creaky just like me. I joke that we are the 'two old ladies'. This will break my heart but it is the kindest thing for her. 

And of course, I am leaving my children behind and the granddaughter that I have never even met. It's not like I am moving to Ontario where they can visit if things change in our relationship. Now we are four thousand kilometers apart. It's a five hour plane ride now if they want to see me. The liklehood of that is not promising. So I will probobly never see my children again.

But,... I cannot dwell if I want to move forward. I have to think of the positives. I have been saved. I have been given another chance at life. I need to hold on to that with both hands and take it. I am shrivelling up and dying inside here - I am not surviving.

I need this change to survive. 

Crofton, Vancouver island, BC
Paradise

I think my angel may have just been sent to me

In my desperation I wrote some very real facebook posts. I literally said I am done and moving to BC to end my life,...

Only ONE person reached out. And I think she was heaven sent because the more we chat,... the more we realized we may be able to help each other out.

Waaaaay back in the 1980's My ex and I were friends with another couple. I cannot even remember his name now,... but her,... I liked and we kept in touch over the years sparatically. Her name is Dianne. And she lives in BC. And she reached out with the most generous offer I have ever had. First she offered to pay my way there but I explained I do have money of my own I have been saving. Then she offered me her basement or trailer ot rent for cheap. And get this,... my renting from her,... may help her save her family home. 

Is this not fate??? 

I do not want to live in Ontario anymore. My birth parents lived in BC and my adoptive extended family all lived in BC as well. It's a place I have been to numerous times adn absolutely love.

I could get out of Ontario Housing forever,....

I could get off of disability forever,...

And I would never have to worry again about Tonya fucking Halls calling the police on me and housing for imagined grievances.

In short,... I could have a REAL life,....

Dare I hope?

Homelessness or suicide?

 To the kind people who have gotten in touch to ask me to reconsider,...

This is not MY choice. When I found myself living in the system and then losing my ODSP,... that was the beginning of the end.

I am not CHOOSING to end my life ~ lets make that crystal clear

I am ending my life because my only income after February is $851.51

NOONE CAN LIVE ON $851.51 a month And everyone reading this knows this. I have been priced right out of living.

I just refuse to be homeless and to not be homeless means to end my life

But if I was given enough to live comfortably or I had a home I could afford? I would not be dying

But lets be clear

My country only believes I am worth $851.51 a month ~ which is not enough to survive ~ so therefore they don't give one shit about me and my situation.

WHY should I be homeless because my government doesn't believe I'm worth surviving? WHY should I suffer?????

I REFUSE to be homeless and the ONLY ALTERNATIVE to being homeless now is DEATH

So please do not think this is MY choice because if I had a doctor and atleast $3000 a month to live I would be content and want to live.

But I have NOTHING

So please don't judge me ending my life - I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

Unless YOU or someone is going to take me in - for free - then I have no choice but to die ~ I have been thrown away to rot,...

                     *************************************

I do NOT WANT TO DIE - I want a life ~ but my life has been taken away from me and I have been left with 2 choices,....

homelessness or suicide ~ which would you choose?

The email to my lawyer telling him I am done

 This is the email I left my lawyeres law clerk

I am so fucking done and don't even WANT to live anymore

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I have decided that I have lived with this severe pain long enough. The doctor I was referred to from the walkin clinic STILL HASN'T EVEN CALLED WITH AN APPOINTMENT. 

So I have made alternative plans.I am now going to Vancouver, BC. There is no life for me here in Ontario. I don't have enough money to survive. 

The pain is too severe to cope with and I cna't seem to get any help for it.

So I am ending my life.

I am getting a plane ticket to BC and going to visit/meet my half brother and then saying goodbye to my parents graves there.

Then I am going to the downtown Eastside and I am taking a fatal fentanyl overdose.

I have told anyone who will listen I am in severe pain but none is listening.

So now i need money to get to BC.

I have no medical records for my injuries. I have no people to vouch for me as I am a recluse now and have no friends or family. So I know I will not get what I need from this case.

NOT HAVING A DOCTOR HAS TOTALLY RUINED MY LIFE AND MY CASE

So now I just want to close out this case and I will take what little I l=get as I can't win with no medical records. And I am going to BC.

So please tell my lawyer that I want to end this case now. 

I dont care about getting better as it's never going to happen with no doctor. 

I cannot live without the use of my hands

So I am choosing to die

Please tell me what I need to do to finish this case so I can go to BC to die

My mind is made up. Nothing can help me now I am too poor to survive

I think a person can just fall so deep into poverty and 'the system' that there just isn't a way out. No matter how far they climb,... something pushes them back down to poverty. And that is where I am. 

If I am to realistically have a chance at a half descent existence I need more money a month. WAY more money a month.  With my insurance payments and my CPP benefit I bring in $1591.51 a month right now. ~ $851.51 CPP ~ which I now hear the government wants to change this too,... and my two monthly insurance payments from my accident of $370 makes the total $1591.51. There is NO ODSP anymore. So next January is my LAST insurance payment. THEN I will be bringing in ONLY $851.51 a month. 

There is no way in hell anyone can exist on $851.51 a month.

I am already living in poverty with $1591.51 a month. 

I think realistically if one needs to pay rent food and other basic needs they need $3000 a month. 

I refuse to live here in this building any longer. But my situation makes it so I dont make enough to leave. NO CHOICES.

So my poverty alone is enough to have me suicidal.

Now add on the pain from the accident with no doctor and I just can't cope. I have not slept properly in months. The pain is too much. Last night I broke down and just cried. I just walked around my aprtemtn crying. Becasue laying down hurt,... sitting in my chair hurt,... nothing I did made the pain lesson. And I hit my breaking point and just cried.

So even if I get more money a month- I refuse to live any longer in this pain. And even if I do get a doctor and they can fix these injuries to eleviate all my pain,...,... I just get well to live a life of misery. It's a vicious cycle once you fall down here to the bottom.

I just don't see any reason to go on.

I am back to m y original plan.

It will take longer as I need a lot more money. Going to Vancouver for a week is quite expensive. Even only one way,...

And becasue I am so humiliatingly poor,... I have to save more. But I don't know if I have what I need to wait. This pain really is unbearable and I really can't take it one more day.

I don't think I deserve a painful death of jumping into the gorge or running infront of a truck. I don't think I deserve more pain,... I just want a peaceful quiet death of a fentanyl overdose. And I will stop at nothing now to make that happen.

Life just isn't worth it anymore. YOU try living on this amount. It's humiliating and miserable and I refuse to do it any longer. Not one family member cared. THAT told me all I need to know,...

If noone can help with these two things then life isn't worth living to me and I WILL end it.

How sad I have to die becasue my governemtn doesn't pay me enough to SHIT!

can't take this pain goodbye

 Just got a text form my 'help'.

There is NO help. 

All he came up with was what I have known about for 8 years. Canadian MENTAL HEALTH Association

are you fucking kidding me??? 

I have tried them numerous times and have been thrown in homewood 4 times by them ~ so NO absolutely NO FUCKING WAY

If that was all his help. Then I guess I have been let down again

I hate when people think they have the answer and they get your hopes up

THERE IS NO FUCKING ANSWER

I need MONEY and a family doctor -

 I don't need to be forced into the fucking CMHA again. I will NEVER, EVER go to them ever again. EVER!!!!!!!

So that is it

NO HOPE

FUCK THIS WORLD I AM SO FUCKING DONE

Can't take this pain

Good-bye

 I don't think I am ever going to sleep again. There is NO postion left anymore that gives me relief. Every positon I try and sleep in is too painful.

I can't go on

I can't go on

I can't go on

This is fucking ridiculous that I am suffering 

I just need to take a scalpel and slit my throat and DIE

I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKING PAIN ANYMORE

I JUST NEED RELIEF AND TO GET RELIEF I NEED TO DIE

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME TO DIE!

Hope?

Over the past few weeks, I have been contacted by someone who seems to want to help me. A professional,... not some random off the street lol,... I had told them no because in my past experience I just end up getting disappointed. And over the years, each time you get disappointed you sink lower than you were before it. Until you find yourself with no hope at all. And now, your just afraid to be disappointed once more. With each disappointment, it just gets harder to pick yourself up off the floor each time. 

But today I got another message saying they would really like to help and can we meet. So I agreed. He signed off with a positve get back to you. Now I wait,...

Dare I hope? I need so much I just don't know if any of it is achievable. A Doctor,... help with my accident pain,... my hands are like claws right now. And if I dare to do anything that requires their use,... the next day I am in so much pain I can't think.

I need to get out of this apartment and preferrably right out of Fergus altogether and into a city with more resources for me. Bus service,... etc,... But moving out of this apartment has proved futile. I just can't find anywhere else as I am already living at the bottom. The next rung is living under a bridge. My rent budget is $500. You can see the problem there,... rent starts at $1500 now. I am too poor to move. 

So many things have gone wrong. I feel like I am falling apart and can never get fixed.

But it is spring and with spring comes new beginnings. Maybe this is a new beginning?

I was watching "Call The Midwife" yesterday and one of the characters summed up my life perfectly,...

"I don't fear dying. I fear living death with no purpose"

That is exactly my life right now. Living with no purpose. And I just can't go on this way any longer,... I really, really need a new beginning,...

https://globalnews.ca/news/11145422/poilievre-police-more-power-end-tent-cities/

                   ************************************************************

I saw a post on Facebook from my "Doug Ford Must Go" page on this. So I left THIS comment,...

As someone who has been homeless (luckily only for a short time) but it taught me that the homeless are invisable to society. When I was homeless I atleast had a car to live in. But I kept getting 'window knocked' by the police to 'move on' I often asked them "where do you want me to go?" and their answer was usually a shelter or something,... but they didn't care. With more and more peopole becoming homeless (and I again might be one of them) let me ask you this,... WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSE TO GO? Becasue as much as we would love to - we can't just disappear. We physically have to be somewhere,... It's bad enough Doug Ford has failed the folk on ODSP and OW, but when it makes us homeless we are just otld to "move on and go be invisable so noone has to see you,..." thats inhumane. This province is desperate for AFFORDABLE housing. AFFORDABLE housing!!! Not big homes for the rich. It has left me feeling worthless and suicidal. NOONE ASKS to be homeless - it happens TO us,... for Gods sake don't tell us to move on and be INVISABLE.

 

 still getting harrassed by Statcan

still getting harrassed by debt collectors,...

FUCK OFF WORLD and leave me the fuck alone

I will be dead by the end of May anyway

This isn'ta life

It's harrassemnt

All I wanted was a little vacation before I go

Yesterday was a complete disappointment. But I have not given up. I have drawn a line under that and have started with a new plan. I don't give up - I just get mad and dig deeper for an answer.

I have not had a vacation in 25 years!! YEARS! So I wanted to have a bit of a holiday before I took that fatal fentanyl overdose. I have had a life of struggle and pain and poverty and I really just wanted a little break before I go. But poor people do not have the same advantages as regular folk.

I don't own a credit card. My drivers license has expired. The only ID I have with a photo is my OHIP card. Apparently this isn't good enough. They won't accept my drivers license as it's expired. (But it has my photo and data on it). I don't understand this need for a credit card to do everything, My daughter back-packed across Europe no no credit card and she managed. So,... so can I. I just have to go about it a different way. 

But I will get my vacation. It may only be 2 days. But it's still something.

This world has priced me right out of living. I can't afford rent anymore,.... I can't afford groceries anymore,... I never could do stuff for entertainment. I never did have the money for that,... 

All I wanted was a fucking vacation before I go,... 

But poor people do not get the same advantages as the rest of the folks. We are just told no,... no,... no,...

This has not stopped me. When you live a MISERABLE existence - you will do anything to get out of it.

You know those sayings people say,.... there is one that instantly irritates me and that is,... "If you don't like you life - change it" like it's that easy. I want nothing more than to change my life. But I am in a prison of 'the system' and once you are in the system - you don't get out. And they OWN YOU. You have no choices now,... 

I cannot leave this apartment due to these circumstances. But i refuser to live here. So if I can't move - I die. 

And as you can see - I am a stubborn old girl and in the end,... I will get that peaceful death and a vacation. I WILL  escape this humiliating existance of being thrown away and left to rot,... this existence of pain,... and poverty so bad I go hungry,... I am done living that life. 

I either get more money to live which is never going to happen as our government hates disabled people and just thinks of us as a drain on the system they wish would 'go away'. Funny,... I would love to go away but ironically,... I am too poor to even die and I have to save up to even do that. 

No doctor,... no home after my insurance money runs out,.... I am fucked.

So no I have not given up. Infact I am even more determined to finally get this fentanyl and overdose so I can FINALLY feel peace.

Noone wants to help me live ~ so NOONE has the right to stop me from dying!!!!! 

I HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE after next February. And I refuse to be homeless again,....

If only there was a sweet little cottage out back

I wish,...

Way back in 1972 my family and I drove from Ontario all the way to BC to visit my fathers family. We stayed at my Granddad Morgans home. He had 2 houses on his property. The 'big' house and the 'little house out back'. When he arrived in Canada from England, he built himself a tiny little log house to live in until the big family home could be built. Much like the pioneers before him. I remember loving this cute little house out back. It was a cross between a cottage and a log cabin. The ceilings were low giving it a cozy feel. By the time I saw it, it hadn't been lived in for year. The cousins all used it to play in. My Granddad used to say when I grew up big I could come and live in that house and he would look after me. The fairy tale of a little 9 yr old girl.

But now my dream isn't that far off,... Now I wish,... if only,... someone, somewhere told me to pack my bags. They have a little cottage on their property. It was very tiny but it had running water and heat. There family had grown up and all moved away and now there little farm sat quiet and still. They wanted me to come and live in their cottage behind their big house on their farm. It had a wrap around porch just like I have always wanted. I would get a dog. And live happily ever after,....

But I don't have Granddads cottage. He left this earth many, many years ago and truth be told I don't even know what happended to his house or property. 

I know it's only a dream. But if I dont' get out of this building soon,... my dream will turn into fentanyl,...

And never have I ever felt such pressure to "get her done"

To bad theres no sweet little cottage on a farm,.... 

This is so typical of my life.

I booked the hotel and took a taxi all the way into Guelph. I go to check into the hotel and guess what? My debit/credit card was not accepted.

They only accept credit cards. I don't own a credit card. So now I am not even allowed to stay in a hotel or fly to Vancouver becasue I don't own a credit card. I asked to pay cash but they said no. They don't take cash????

I had the whole fucking thing planned. And now - I can't go. I paid $110 (round trip) for the taxi to Guelph. Only to be told I can't check in. WHY WOULD THEY NOT PHONE ME YESTERDAY when I made the booking???? I had already taken the taxi into Guelph when the text came through the booking was cancelled due to no credit card.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

I can't even die!!!!

I guess I keep trying to book until a hotel excepts my card and I can finally go to find fentanyl and purposely overdose and die.

Nothing is ever easy for me. But I will not give up. If I have to be homeless downtown Toronto to get my fentanyl I will. I sure would fit right in won't I? I have "welfare whore" written all over me. I will blend in to the homeless seamlessly.

I am not giving up though. Pain out-weighs doing nothing. This pain has gotten worse over time - not better - and the only answer is death. So I will not give up until I can get that damn fentanyl so I can overdose and find some peace.

My plans were slowed down today - not stopped.

I refuse to live in pain and poverty - I've done it as long as I can take but now it's time to die.

It's time

 On my way to Guelph to catch the Go train into Toronto

I feel nothing but relief and happiness it will soon all be over

No regrets,....

Comments

 I usually only get positive comments on this blog. It isn't your typical blog because I don't write it for others to view. I only started it on a blog site because I had no word program on my computer. I just used it for convenience. It was just a place to write. I didn't expect anyone to read it. But over the past 15 years or so I guess people found it. But it has mostly been other folks with mental illness. ALL of them have been kind and sympathetic because they too go through a lot of what I do. So I unintentionally found myself with a small handful of followers. It wasn't until Tonya Halls found this blog that all hell broke loose and it ended up being ruined. But I didn't let her win. I write on here anyway. If she chooses to use something on here to hurt me like she has in the past ~ that's HER issue. Not mine. She needs help because of her stalking. There is literally nothing I can do to prevent her form reading this. But I can hold my head up high knowing TONYA is the low life scum who uses this to abuse me. So SHE is the one who needs help. I just try and ignore her now and pretend she doesn't exist and I keep on writing. But this is the time when the blog became too big. Now strangers were reading it. Not other mental health sufferers,... just normal people. And still it was ok. I got a few nasty comments over the past few years but generally it has all been good sympathetic folk. Onesmallvoiceamoungmany has been a lovely person and comments every once in awhile with sympathy and encouragement. Thank you onesmallvoiceamoungmany. Some days your comments keep me going,...

Last blog entry I showed you a comment from someone. After I wrote the entry hhe commented again. It's only fair I put that in here:

I am sorry I wasn't clear. Blood pressure goes up when in pain of course. I didn't mean pain was because of blood pressure. I will try to be more clear. Anybody that goes to the walkin or ER for pain falls under a protocol. This is the world we are in now. When it is discovered, by your own admission, that you refuse blood pressure medication, you will be flagged as a drug seeker and unable to follow drs orders. That is the reality. It was not my intention to upset you. You say nobody will help. That could be a piece of the puzzle. That is all.

To me he just made it worse. Now he is saying it is futile to even bother trying to get help. Apparently I am blacklisted??? A drug seeker??? whatever dude,.... you hasd your say. YOU ARE WRONG,... but I thought it only fair to put your two cents in here.

The weather is suppose to be good today. maybe I should do it today. I am so desperate and spiralling I won't make it until May. It needs to be done now. Today looks like it might be the day. Book that plane ticket and hotel and get this fucking show started. I have had it.

I am in so much pain today I can't brush my hair,... cook,... have a shower,... I am suffering and I refuse to suffer any longer.

Roll on vacation I never return from,..... I've already started packing

bye bye,... you all had your chance ~ but instead I got blamed. And according to this Tam - I am blacklisted and never getting help anyway.

So it's time

See you on the other side

Lets see how long it takes before anyone realizes I am gone,....

I give up

I 

fucking 

give 

up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I had a gun or fentanyl right now I would be in peace ~ dead

~~~~~~~~~

But instead I am suffering in pain

~~~~~~

Not anymore

I fucking give up

I give up noone understand now they blame

Here is the comment from the person who thinks he is a doctor and although he has never met me thinks its ok to BLAME ME for my pain ~ I fucking give up

My pain is from fibromyalgia and being hit by a car. So imagine how pissed I was to receive this comment from a reader. This infuriates me as what this person has said is THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT so just deal.

To the commenter: You are WRONG. My pain is not from high blood pressure. My pressure rises BECAUSE of the pain. I have been told this by several doctors. Writing to me and BLAMING ME????? Maybe if your not a doctor,... and you don't know my case,...just keep your opinion to yourself. Because you are WRONG.

Just proves nobody gets it so they just blame me.

FUCK YOU ~  this has just proven noone understands and I just need to end it as no help is coming. Why would it now? It's all your fault!!!

JUST BLAME - no help - just blame

THIS is why I need to die - I will never be understood

 

 Can someone PLEASE tell me what to do. The pain is now so unbearable I can't think strait.

I go the walk-in clinic - band-aid care,...

I go to the ER after calling 911 - band-aid care,...

This pain needs to be looked at. Find out why it is there and then FIX IT! 

But it is painfully obvious to me that without a doctor 

I AM NEVER GETTING THE HELP I NEED

I WILL ALWAYS BE IN THIS SEVBERE PAIN I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE

So tell me society,.... 

what the fuck am I suppose to do?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

DIE I just need to die

and forget vancouver,... forget fentanyl,...

I cant take this one more day

I need to take a taxi to Elora and jump into the gorge

WHAT TNHE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

I hate Ontario and I hate Canada and I hate my family for allowing me to suffer so severly

Fuck you all 

I hate you all

I'm done

I'm dead

cant take one more minute of pain

 I cannot deal with this anymore. My arm feels like the circulation is being cut off. It's completely NUMB with pins and needles. And now it's so bad there is a deep ache I just can't bear.

I am so fucking desperate I want to die. But in my despereation I say I want to die so instead of physical medical help ~ now I'm crazy and losing it.

PAIN DOES THAT TO YOU

You get to a point you can't take one more minute.

I can't wait for Vancouver,... this is UNBEARABLE.

I need to do it today. I just cant stand this damn arm and hand pain. It's like having a tree trunk hanging from your body you can't use.

Why can't anyone fucking HELP ME!

It's too late now. I have to find peace today.

Just too painful

Please just let me die ~ I can't take this pain anymore

I went to bed at midnight. It is now half past 2 and I am beside myself in pain. BOTH of my arms have gone now. I can't deal with this!

What the fuck does the world want from me? Because I am suffering and I have had ENOUGH!!! 

I just need to be dead.

The pain will go away when I am dead 

So I just need to be dead 

because I can't deal with this pain!!!!!!!!

It is getting WORSE not better and I can't take it ANYMORE!!!!

PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE!

Just let me go and help someone you CAN help

 A few weeks ago one of the politicians running for election reached out to me after I had made a comment about poverty on a facebook post. He said he would like to help. But, here's the thing,...

Over the past few years other people have reached out too. Multiple people,... Kind people,...and they have made a great effort to find resources or benefits to help me. They ask me a ton of questions and then they optomistically go out in search of 'help'. Noone has ever come back with any constructive help. Why? Not because these kind people didn't look hard enough. There just aren't isn't any significant help out there. Believe me,... I have looked. But the answer is NOT more benefits and charities!!! I am so sick of living off of benefits and charities.

I am proud person and if i can't live paying my own way ~ I don't want to live. I do not benefits and charities. I'm so done being the poor old woman who never has enough,... If Doug Ford won't pay us the money we are WORTH,... why should I struggle in his poverty? He doesn't have to,...

I challenge anyone reading this to live off of $1380 a month which has to pay rent AND food as well as everything else. It's IMPOSSIBLE. 

RENT COSTS MORE A MONTH THAN I GET!

So I feel a bit bad for this guy reaching out because I know I will just be disapointed one more time. And I can't take that.

I am old,... alone,... broke and in pain.

Just let me go,....

Alone for another holiday

 It is holiday Monday of an Easter long weekend. And yet again - I am alone. I spend every holiday alone now. I'm getting so usesd to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore. It's just another day to me.

But the one thing that does bother me on holidays is the smells in this building. The smells of cooking festive dinners. Christmas dinner,... Easter dinner,... Thanksgiving dinner,... When you are poor - you can't afford to cook elaborate meals like that. It would eat up your entire monthly budget and you'd have nothing left for the rest of the month.In short,... I just can't afford holidays. But just because I can't, doesn't mean others can't. So every holiday I have to put up with the delicious, festive dinners that I can't have. So a few months ago I bought a thick curtain and a tension rod which I put up in the frontdoor hallway. I don't think it does a lot of good keeping those smells out - but I try. And today, being Easter,... I just know I am in for a day of lovely cooking smells that I won't eat,.... It really does suck being alone every holiday.

While the rest of the world was enjoying their holiday, I continued cleaning out this apartment. I got rid of three garbage bags full of stuff. After I am gone, I don't know who will be left to deal with this - ME - the burden - but whoever it is, I will have as much of it done as I can. I have always felt like the biggest burden all my life, so I don't want to go out being a burden too. I will have as much of this place empty as I can before I go. 

I am actually feeling such relief now that I have made the plans. Now that I know exactly what is happening, I feel relief. What does it say about my life when I feel RELIEF knowing I will be dying soon. And nothing makes me happier,...

Last night was a terrible night. The pain unbearable. I got no sleep. I can't - won't - REFUSE - to live in this pain any longer.

Roll on summer weather,.... I can't wait to get to Vancouver and DIE

It's all planned now

All my plans are coming together. I have enough money now once I get paid the first of May. I know where I am going and where I am staying at. I know how to get there. It's all planned. I just need good weather. I don't want to travel in cold weather or snow or rain. I want to wait until the forecast predicts warm, sunny weather where I am going. I have everything planned right down to the ID I need and the ways I can pay (as I don't own a credit card). I have thought of every single detail. So hopefully, by the end of May I will just be a memory,.... Gone,...

Having made the plans and knowing I have enough money now has left me almost,... happy. I feel such relief just to know all this bullshit of poverty and pain and Tonya Halls bullying will soon be gone,... I can't wait to die and be free of it all. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

There is now a REAL end in sight. And soon,... I will be out of this misery.

I don't want to actually die,... but I can't live in this misery,...

One more month and I will be in heaven

My two passions

 After my life fell apart when my girls were taken away, I survived doing 3 things. One,... pretending I had no children. I had to compartmentalize my life into sections. And to protect myself I only opened the compartment I needed to. I missed my girls so much I couldn't function. I had to put that compartment away. Then I could try to pick up the pieces of what I had left and try to move on.

For the past 25 years I have lived on my own. I didn't have many friends, I was busy working and trying to keep my head above water. Life was very tough on one income ~ and a low one at that. But I managed. I immersed myself into my two passions.

Music & Football

I have always loved music. I used to play the piano. (The Royal Conservatory of Music) I listen to everything from classical to rock. I have tried to pick my favourite song ever but I can't. There are just too many I love. Before I really hit hard times, my apartment showed this passion. I had canvases on the walls of all my favourite artists. Led Zepplin, Janis Joplin, kurt Cobain, Bruce Springstein, Amy Winehouse,... (Most of them are gone now. I've been selling them off to get money for Vancouver). Every single day I made sure I put aside one hour just to listen to music. Sometimes I am doing chores and sometimes I just sit quietly and listen. I have a lot of anxiety and music instantly calms me. Playing the piano did the same thing. I could lose myself in the music. It made the whole world go away. I would just let it envelop me. It felt like it was right in my soul. Now that I am old and my body has seized up in pain, music is my escape. When I am fully immesed, my body is young, supple,... and I am dancing,...

My second passion is football. (Soccer to North Americans). For many years I supported Manchester United out of the English Premier League, as well as the England National Team. But then in 1996 the MLS formed over here in North America. By the year 2000 I had started supporting Toronto FC (My birth place). The Canadian Mens National Team wasn't all that established yet so I didn't start watching them until about 10 years ago. So all-in-all I supposrt 4 teams. I struggle financially but I put other things aside to buy my football streaming sites. They are expensive but worth it. I watch about 10 games a week. And when FIFA is on,... don't even talk to me. I will be lost in the world of footy,...

If I hadn't have had these two things in my life over the past 25 years,... I don't think I would have survived. These two things were my escape. Music and football seem to be deeply engrained in my soul. And some days, they are all I had.

 

Dear Michelle & Hayley

 It was with sad realization after my car accident that I knew no one liked me. Before that I had felt it, but didn't know if I was just being over sensitive or not. But after my accident when NOONE came to see me ~ I knew. When Hayley dropped me off at home I thought all was great and I was happy she had come to the hospital. When she dropped me off at home, we hugged and she said I'll come by Friday and see how you are,... and she left. I thought things were good. But two days later she never showed. I was in a bad state physically and I really needed help. She had let me down. And I knew,...

If people want to be in your life ~ they make the time

If people wanted to invest in your life ~ they would make the effort

If people had any feelings for you at all ~ they would defintely be there for you after an serious car accident

Noone was making the time. Or the effort,... I was left all alone to fend for myself and thats when I knew,... I am different. I am mentally ill. And navigating life was very hard for me. I had a very difficult time reading people. So I often said the wrong thing I think. But I really don't know,...

After I knew,... I isolated myself away. I was embarrassed. Humiliated to think I thought I was liked. All those people in my life were really just pretending. That hurt. So I choose not to interact with people anymore. Too painful. After my accidnt I hid away in isolation. I talked to noone. I never left my apartment. It was so lonely. But I didn't want to burden anyone with,... me.

But I couldn't do it. I can't live without my children in my life. But for your happiness -I choose not to be in it anymore. It killed me because to me, that is life,... my children. Nothing else will do. All the money in the world can't replace you girls. I don't want a man or partner,... I don't want anything but you girls. THAT's why I had you. To fill up my life. Without you, I am absolutely lost,... nothing to live for.

I have severe abandonment issues. I had so many in my life. That now I can't bear to lose anyone else. So I am choosing to be the one to leave.

I don't know why we couldn't get our relationships back when you came back into my lives. I never felt that REAL natural closeness I had with you girls ever again. I always felt guarded around you afterwards. I think I was afraid of losing you again. Manifesting reality. What you fear is what you attract. And I very much feared abandonment. Losing you again,... I also feared your father. It seemed everything I did with you guys was wrong. I felt afraid of doing something wrong or saying something wrong to you that would annoy him. I think the bottom line is,... I never felt a part of this family ever again. I was always on the outside looking in. Never invited to any events. Completely ignored like I didn't even exist. Out of sight - out of mind. That was very hard for me to take. NOONE LIKES YOU!!! I never got invited anywhere

So in the end I just felt it best to let you girls go. Giving you the gift of peace. My mother did it for me (eventually) by giving me to The Morgans. Then I had a good life. If I give you up by not being around,... you can have a good life.

But that doesn't mean I am happy about it. It broke my heart. And in the end I just couldn't live without you girls. Absolutely no purpose what so ever. YOU ARE MY LIFE

I wish I had been born with better tools to have gone through life. Been a better person. A person who people REALLY liked. Not just put up with. I wish I had been a better Mom. I'm sorry. I did try my best. I was often confused at how to behave or what to say. But I did try. And one thing I did get right was you girls. Both of you are beautiful.

I hope you both have great lives and you get everything you wish for.

My heart is broken

I have been tying up the loose ends of my life. I have already decided I am leaving my apartment behind as is. I have never done that in my entire life. I have moved 23 times in my lifetime and each and every time I left a place I scrubbed it top to bottom so it was spotless for the new owners. But I don't have the money for storage. So I will just be packing up what I can carry and the rest I will leave behind. Furniture and all,... I will not be giving Ontario Housing notice that I am leaving. From all the crap they put me through over the years I have lived here - they don't deserve it. All the times I needed help and I got ignored or worse yet - threatened with eviction!! Never seen as a human being. And this last time was the last straw. The NEW employee that came and offered me all sorts of help. I will get "our team" to contact you,... that was nearly 3 weeks ago. It doesn't take that long to make one referral,.... I have been forgotten about again. So fuck them,.... no help,... when I end my life. THEYcan deal with the aftermath of what I leave behind. I don't have a car or money to get any of my belongings in storage or packed away.  And I am in too much pain to do it anyway. So I am just packing a bag and leaving all the rest behind,... fuck 'em

Unfortunately the sad part is I have to put my little Maggie May down. I can't take her with me. So I will be leaving behind a note with some money to have her put down. I do not have the heart to be there. I feel like I am being FORCED OUT of my home so this is making me really angry that I have to put her down. But if I'm homeless,... so is she,... and I can't bear that. So I will leave notice and she will be taken care of. I am so fucking angry that things have turned out this way.

************************

If ONE person could take me in and rent me a room I could survive. Just one person,... 

************************

But noone can and I just don't have the money for rent AND food AND basic needs. Theres not even NEARLY enough to live on. And I refuse to live on charity and benefits. 

Everything is done and planned. Now I just wait and appreciate every second I have with my Maggie before it all goes down.

As I was throwing things away and getting things done I came across some of Hayleys things. So I wrote her a very quick text. The first one in over 14 months. I just said I am leaving but I have a few items of yours I can't take with me. If you want them you'll have to come and get them. I will be out of here by ************** so you will have to pick it up before then.

No how are you,... no concern about my situation,... her answer? "OK I'll let you know. Where are you going?" 

I answered "Vancouver" and then ~ all went quiet ~ no answer

Hours later I got another text "Ok, I'll let you know when I can get it"

and that is that,.... my kids really don't have any attachement to me at all. She doesn't care why I'm going or where or with who if anyone,... not interested in it.  

I can't force my children to take an interest in my life. They either want me in their life or they don't. So now this has made my decision 100% real now. My kids don't even care I'm going.

I am going to die of a broken heart.

Good-bye my sweet baby

Hayley, Jacquie and Michelle

My sweet little granddaughter 

was born around Easter

So I call her "My little bunny"

But I've never even met 

my precious granddaughter

So she'll never know 

I'm her Mee-mah

Good-bye sweet baby girl

I thought of you every single

day you were alive