Sunday morning feeling sad

 This is where I wish I was today,...

This is my reality,....

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It's been a weird weekend. Usually Saturday is game day and Sunday is "Watching YouTube off-grid videos" day. But Manchester doesn't even play until tomorrow so it's kind of thrown my schedule off this week. Yesterday was instead spent trying to sort out all my social media by deleting most of them but the ones I kept I had to change all my passwords. I also had to phone all my streaming sites as someone is piggy-backing my account. They all helped me CLOSE my present accounts and open brand new ones so hopefully that is the problem of my hacker resolved. (fingers crossed)

I have been up all night. I haven't been feeling well the past week or so. Nothing obvious,... just feel off. Tired, weak,... not myself. My Blood Pressure has been high again. Maybe thats it. But because of this, I dont' feel like doing anything. So today I am just sat here watching my off-grid videos. Wishing I was there,... In Newfoundland, on an island, in an old saltbox house with my all my pets,... But instead I am living vicariously through other people just to stop myself from going insane from the boredom of my own life.

I'm feeling even more cut off from everything today. I am starting to become restless and I think cabin fever is setting in. I never leave this building now. I rarely even leave my unit. To say I have become a recluse would be an understatement. I find not being around people anymore much less stressful. Just keeping to myself.

But it's lonely. And it's a lonliness that I can't describe. It's etched right into your soul. Noone to talk to,... just 2 kittens. I watched a movie last night called "Train Dreams" and it is the closest I have seen to describing the life I am living now. Alone,... lonely,... but it's more than that. It's having no purpose. I could really relate to this character who had lost everything early in his life and then wandered around hoping,... but never finding love again. It was quite sad and it left me feeling empty. 

I look out my window and the snow falls,... it's beautiful. But it just leaves me sad as I never go out there anymore. Way back in the 1970's there was a song out called "Jackie Blue" by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. The first line of the song is " Oh oh,... jackie Blue,... Lives her life from inside of a room,..."  Who knew how prolific that song would be for me 50 years later,.... where I am living my life inside a room,....

sad