I decided to reach out to my friend T***h today and ask if she would like to go on a holiday with me this summer. I am declining mentally because I am couped up in this apartment 24/7 and it has left me bored. My Nana used to say "A change is as good as a rest" and she is right. I think that if I can just get away from this place, it will do me a world of good.
It goes back to the cup theory. You can't pour from an empty cup,... and my life has been bone dry empty. I need to DO stuff. Start experiencing things again,... participating in life again,... For the past 25 years I have had no money for doing anything. My life was about surviving ~ not enjoying. But now I have the opportunity to do stuff.
I still have a lot of limitations. Transportation being my biggest obstacle. I live in a small town with no bus service and ONE taxi. It's near immpossible to do anything out of town either. So I end up feeling trapped at home unable to go anywhere. It gives me severe cabin fever and my mental health gets effected.
But here we are just days away from Christmas. I am not doing anything for it and have zero plans. But over the past few days I have had to watch it on tv. So I am aware of it's existence no matter how hard I try not to. Missing my daughters is just too painful so I try and avoid anything that reminds me of them.
I have been absolutely fed up with life the past year. And this has left me mentally and emotionally drained. I have come to a wall and just cant go on. I have completely given up. I am making end of life plans and feel so empty and hurt I am looking forward to an end,...
But heres the thing. Over the past few days something has been changing. It's so minute I can barely feel it. Maybe it's a tiny sprinkling of Christmas spirit? All the 'feel-good' Christmas episodes of my favourite shows,... having Murphy and Molly around,... ?? whatever the reason I have decided to book a vacation. I am very limited here as I dont have a car. But my friend T***h does. So I messaged her and asked if she would like to rent a cottage with me. She agreed and we are starting to make plans.
This is a big deal for me. It is the first time I have shown any interest in my future. In being around for my future. It's like a door opened,... just a sliver,... letting me see a tiny bit of light. And that light gave me a tiny bit of inspiration.
If I can just get away from this compound,... I could start to fill up my cup a bit. I am concerned about getting scammed again of course. So I am trying to find someone I know who has a cottage to rent from but the one lady I know I think hers is all booked already. (Have we left it too late for this summer???). So now I am just reaching out to anyone I know for suggestions.
A lakefront cottage/cabin in Ontario. I don't care where as long as it has water and trees and a whole lot of nature.
Dare I hope?
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