I just need to "go away"

I am not even close to the same person I was 5 years ago. Life has changed me and not in a good way.

Infact I would argue there isn't even any of "me" left. I disappeared years ago. Today I am in survival mode. And I have been for a very long time.

I have also learned that my family wants nothing to do with me - I'm a mentally ill  monster. That is something that effects you right to your core,... I thought I was a good preson all my life. But now I realize I was not and nobody likes me. That too is something that effects you right to your core,..

And my pain and where I live have me in desperation Not a very proud thing to be in but thats how m y life has turned out. 

Living in survival mode,... Learning I am not wanted,... Having to cope with so much pain,... Living in this compound,... not being able to do simple things anymore and needing help,... have eaten away at me and eroded everything good inside of me that used to be there. I am now empty.

All of these things have changed me drastically. What used to be important no longer is. Surviving has been most important the past few years. But it's the desperation I have had in the past 6 months that have made me a recluse. I have never felt this feeling before in my entire life. But homeless is scary,... it makes you desperate. Pain is relentless. It makes you desperate. And when your desperate you don't care what people think anymore. You just need to survive. I became a recluse ~ completely hiding away from society. And in doing this, you tend to lose all your social graces. I no longer know how to "be" in social event. But more to the point ~ I never want to anymore. People have hurt me so much I just want to be left alone.

But the survival mode and the desperation have left people thinking I'm crazy,... and then they completely write you off. Now, your just a buden,... an annoyance,... and you can feel it everytime you deal with someone,... so you close off the world and hide. 

But in the end,... even if I was/am crazy,... is that any less reason for me to be helped? I'm still a person in pain who needs medical attention,... 

I've been written off as crazy ~ I just need to go away,..... I told you there was no place on this planet for me,... this is just another thing to prove it.